


Monochrome

by scorpiusismypatronus



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: 'where's connor' HE'S NOT HERE. DONT ASK, (in ch 17 yeet), Abusive Relationship, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Bulimia, Bulimia Nervosa, Canon Compliant, College AU, Denny's, Depression, Dissociation, Fake Dating, First Kiss, First Kisses, Flirting, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Gaslighting, Getting Together, Graphic descriptions of violence, Homophobia, I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE THIS UP 3 MONTHS AGO SORRY, I'm a simple man: I write alana? I write her trans, I'm far too lazy to figure out how the days wld rly be in 2018/2019 don't @ me, I'm not projecting ur projecting, Implied/Referenced Self Harm, Innuendoes, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Panic Attacks, Pining, Post-Canon, SO MUCH FLUFF, Self Harm, Slow Burn, Taylor Swift References, Trans Alana Beck, and so does jared, evan has long hair, fake dating au, fight me, if u think I don't have an emotional breakdown every time I take a shower ur wrong, looooots of references, self hatred, so much pining, there’s so much italics sorry idc, they go see star wars even tho it’s may leAVE ME ALONE, this took So long to write help, this??gay.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-04
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2019-05-18 04:10:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 43,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14845466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scorpiusismypatronus/pseuds/scorpiusismypatronus
Summary: He’d been in love with Evan since seventh grade and it hurt. He didn't know how it could get worse. Until, of course, he had to pretend to be pretending to be in love with him.(In other words, fake dating AUs are the bane of my existence)





	1. in which jared's idea backfires

**Author's Note:**

> y’all there’s a serious lack of long Kleinsen fics on this website so here, a very cliche fake dating AU.

> tw: bulimia mention, abuse mentions
> 
> _I'm so furious at you for making me feel this way - Gorgeous // Taylor Swift_

* * *

 

Jared sighed, staring down at his phone and the dozens of texts from his abusive ex-girlfriend Kaylin. He wished he’d never dated that manipulative asshole. He’d made a shit ton of mistakes in his life, but that had to be one of his worst.

 

**[Wednesday 15 May 21:02]**

**Chat: COOL and Kaylin**

**Kaylin:** Jared, how could you do this?

**Kaylin:** I knew you didn’t love me.

**Kaylin:** No one loves me.

**Kaylin:** Jared, please come back.

**Kaylin:** I can’t live without you.

**Kaylin:** I’ll kill myself if you don’t come back

**[Wednesday 15 May 21:45]**

**Kaylin:** Jared, I thought you loved me.

**Kaylin:** I thought you cared

**Kaylin:** You were my angel.

**Kaylin:** You’re the only person I could ever trust.

**Kaylin:** The only person I needed in my life.

**Kaylin:** You were everything.

**Kaylin:** You were my life.

**Kaylin:** Without you I’m nothing.

**[Wednesday 15 May 22:16]**

**Kaylin:** I’m trying to decide, pills or knife?

**Kaylin:** Not that you care.

**[Wednesday 15 May 23:17]**

**Kaylin:** Jared

**Kaylin:** Jared

**Kaylin:** Jared please…

**Kaylin:** Come back

**Kaylin:** I need you

**Kaylin:** You’re my life

**Kaylin:** You’re the blood in my veins, the oxygen in my air

**Kaylin:** I need you

**Kaylin:** I can’t believe you said that about me.

**Kaylin:** I’m not clingy or abusive

**Kaylin:** You’re the only person I have!!

**Kaylin:** Come back

**Kaylin:** I’m so alone

**[Thursday 16 May 00:53]**

**Kaylin:** I’ve decided on pills

**Kaylin:** Ibuprofen to be specific

**Kaylin:** Jared answer me

**Kaylin:** Please

**Kaylin:** Don’t you care?

**Kaylin:** Of course you don’t

**Kaylin:** You’re nothing.

**Kaylin:** Nothing to me.

**Kaylin:** Nothing to anyone.

**Kaylin:** You were only someone when you were with me.

**Kaylin:** No one cared, otherwise

**Kaylin:** Neither of us can exist without the other

**[Thursday 16 May 01:14]**

**Kaylin:** I’m still awake…

**Kaylin:** I’m still breathing…

**Kaylin:** Hopefully not for long…

**Kaylin:** Maybe then you’ll care

**Kaylin:** Goodbye, Jared

**Kaylin:** Goodbye.

**[Thursday 16 May 04:19]**

**Kaylin:** Why did you leave me? You sick selfish fucker

 

_This is why I left you, Kaylin_ , he thought, intentionally leaving her on read and checking his other messages.

 

**[Thursday 16 May 05:22]**

**Chat: COOL and Acorn**

**Acorn:** Heyo we had spanish homework right ?

 

This, he deemed worth answering. 

 

**[Thursday 16 May 10:08]**

**COOL:** yeah q 13 to 19 on pg 244

**COOL:** why were u up so early?

 

Briefly, he wondered why Evan’s message hadn’t woken him up. He’d set Evan’s ringtone to always override “do not disturb” mode and to play at the loudest volume. He must have been really tired.

 

**[Thursday 16 May 08:53]**

**Chat: COOL and Denim stars**

**Denim stars:** hey has alana texted you recently??

**[Thursday 16 May 10:11]**

**COOL:** yeah she did a few days ago abt intro to web design, why?

 

He sighed and put his phone down, staring out the window at the tree branches before reaching under his desk for his stash of food and grabbing the first thing he felt, which ended up being a jar of Nutella.

He really _wasn’t_ in the mood to eat an entire jar of Nutella and then become intimately acquainted with the toilet bowl.

 

 

**[Thursday 16 May 10:16]**

**Chat: COOL and Acorn**

**Acorn:** Because we had class ?

**Acorn:** You’re supposed to show up sometimes you know =P

**Acorn:** I’ll send u my notes later

**Acorn:** why weren’t u there ?

**COOL:** i was asleep

**COOL:** there was Bull Shit

**Acorn:** What happened ?

**COOL:** u want an explanation of the Bull Shit, screenshots of the Bull Shit, or a f2f explanation of the Bull Shit?

**Acorn:** I can be over in ten ?

 

Jared glanced at his jar of Nutella. Yeah, he probably needed someone to keep him from eating the entire thing.

It just looked so _good_.

 

**COOL:** sounds good

**COOL:** just woke up tho so,, im not quite ready for our date

**Acorn:** _?_? _?_

**COOL:** evan im kidding

**COOL:** you’ll be here in ten?

**Acorn:** Yeah

**COOL:** mkay

 

He slid his phone into his pocket and rushed over to the other side of the room, grabbing a toothbrush, deodorant, and a change of clothes before shoving his way into the conjoined bathroom. He shoved his sweatpants off and pulled off his t-shirt, fighting with the cap of his deodorant and trying to figure out which armhole was which. He wanted to look _nice_ but not like he was _trying_ to look nice, meaning he’d have to use water instead of hair gel in order to have time to get everything done.

He pulled on his jeans and swiped the toothbrush around his mouth before shoving the door open with his shoulder. He dropped his stuff on the foot of his bed before dropping _himself_ on the bed along with his Nutella and his phone.

He slowed his breath as he waited. _In, out, in, out, you didn’t just rush to look somewhat put-together to make an impression on the_ _boy you’re_ definitely not in love with, _get it_ together _,_ _Jared_.

Two minutes. He ate another spoonful of Nutella and found himself craving more — _more_ being the entire bottle.

He was _not_ going to eat the entire jar of Nutella. 

“I will not eat the whole jar,” he mumbled to himself. “One more scoop. That’s all.”

He was in the process of unscrewing the cap when Evan knocked at the door. He threw it under the desk and jumped up, leaping over to the door.

“Hey,” he said, thumbs hooked in the belt-loops of his jeans. He hoped he appeared relaxed and not like someone who’d run around trying to make himself look nice.

“Hey yourself,” said Evan. He was so much more confident than he’d been this year and last. Some combination of therapy and medicine and maybe (hopefully) realizing how amazing he was had helped him. “So. The bullshit?”

“Ah, yes, the bullshit,” said Jared, collapsing in his swivel chair and pulling it over to the bed, where he flung his feet. “Sit down, I don't bite. Well, I mean…” He cleared his throat as Evan smirked. “So remember Kaylin?”

“I remember Kaylin," said Evan. He sounded like he through her name was a curse word. It kind of was.

“I broke up with her, 'cause she’s a dick, y’know? You can’t claim someone’s your everything but also tell them they’ll never amount to anything.” He threw his arms up in the air, exasperated. “So I broke up with her.” He pulled out his phone, scrolling up to where the most recent messages started. “So she texts me throughout the course of last night, ‘Jared, how could you do this?’ ‘I thought you loved me’ ‘without you I’ll kill myself’ and then she goes on to fake killing herself and responds a few hours later like—” he scrolled down to the text in question “‘—Why did you leave me? You sick selfish fucker.’”

“Not a good way to get back together with someone,” Evan pointed out. Jared nodded enthusiastically. “Exactly! _Thank_ _you_ , Evan, this is exactly what I’m trying to say. So I was up till four reading her texts as she sent them, when they popped up on my screen, binge watching TV and eating popcorn, trying to figure out what to do.”

“What show?" Evan asked, and he seemed to be actually curious.

“I’m… eighteen episodes into H2O: Just Add Water,” he admitted.

Evan grinned. “That _does_ sound like you. Is it for Lewis? Because we both know you’re more into mermen than mermaids.”

“Definitely for Lewis,” Jared confirmed.

“Why did you date her?” Evan asked, and there was genuine confusion in his voice. “Kaylin.”

Jared sighed. _Because I want to get over you, you beautiful, oblivious, goddamn idiot_. “Partially to please my parents. They want me to find a girl, y’know? And partially just to see if I could be straight, if I tried hard enough.”

Evan didn’t seem to know what to say. Jared wouldn't either in his situation; he couldn't blame him. “I—T-that can’t be good for, for you or your mental health,” he stuttered out.

“Probably not,” Jared shrugged, and thought about making a joke along the lines of _but neither is consuming a good 2,000 calories in one sitting and then throwing it all up,_ but he ultimately decided against it. Before Evan could say anything, he continued, “And in conclusion, I’ve got a crazy abusive girlfriend following me around who says I'm not ‘really gay’ ‘cause I’ve never dated a guy. Like, she doesn’t need to rub it in,” Jared groused. 

Evan shook his head. “God. She’s so gross. You could always make up a boyfriend?”

“I’ve tried that — she said she wouldn’t believe me until she met him. My mom’s kinda like that too, actually — ‘You can't know you’re gay until you sleep with a guy.’”

“Get a fake boyfriend,” Evan suggested, and the idea slapped him straight in the face as one of the most obvious solutions.

“God, you’re right,” he mumbled.

_Fake-date Evan._

The idea planted itself in his mind and once it did he couldn’t let it go.

_Ask him out. It’s not like it’s for real_.

“Are you…” he coughed awkwardly. The tension was palpable. “By any chance, are you in need of a fake-boyfriend?”

Evan grinned. “I mean, I wasn’t actively thinking of it, but if it’s — if _you’re_ in need of a fake boyfriend…?”

“Sure," said Jared. “There’s a lot we’ll need to work out, though. Wanna meet for lunch at the finest establishment in town?”

“Are you going to suggest Five Guys?”

Jared winked, his heart positively melting at how well Evan knew him and growing cold remembering how Evan could never know how he really felt. “You know me well."


	2. it would never be real.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared Kleinman is HETEROSEXUAL and he does NOT have a crush on Evan. Nope, no way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: skin picking, self-hatred

 

_Talk to the mirror, choke back tears, and keep telling yourself that “I'm a diva” - there’s a good reason these tables are numbered honey you just haven't thought of it yet // panic! at the disco_

* * *

Jared stared in the mirror, mentally cursing himself.

It wasn’t like it was a real date, it was just two guys _pretending_ to date, to keep him away from his crazy ex-girlfriend Kaylin.

It was just fake. It was all pretend. He could only shoot Evan wonderfully sappy looks and complement every inch of him in _public,_ because this was fake. And that was all it would ever be. It would only ever be fake because _in what alternate universe_ was he good enough for someone like Evan? Not this one, that was certain. 

He leaned into the mirror, brushed hair out of his eyes with his gel-covered hand. _You look fine, Jared, let's go,_ he thought, but at the same time a darker voice inside him began to taunt him and _okay_ , maybe his hair was stupidly swoopy, and maybe muffin tops weren’t what guys typically found attractive, and maybe the freckles that dotted his skin weren’t something Evan was into, and maybe Evan wanted to date someone who was actually stable, and maybe he was a total jerk and not at all pretty… But Evan was still his friend, right?

_He doesn’t care._

Jared pulled a hoodie on over his shirt and ran his fingers through his hair again.

_He couldn’t care about someone like you, not anymore, not after what you did._

He shoved open the bathroom door and took the few steps he needed to get to his room.

_No one could ever care about you._

“JUST SHUT UP!” He shouted, flinging his fist into the wall and leaning against it.

What kind of fuckup was he? Shouting out loud when no one was there. Punching his bedroom wall. 

He glanced at his hand. His knuckles were red. _Of_ course _, and now Evan will know how much of a disappointment I am_.

He sat down on his bed and bit his thumbnail absently, bouncing his leg. He wasn’t leaving until he got his emotions in check.

_You like Evan, Evan doesn’t like you. Accept it. And move on with your goddamned life, Jared._

But he’d tried that. He’d dated Kaylin with the sole intention of getting over Evan, and look how well _that_ had ended up.

His thumb stung and he looked down at it. Blood bubbled up and he rolled his eyes, grabbing a band-aid from his desk and sticking it on, then grabbing his phone and going out before he could change his mind or have an anxiety attack. 

They were meeting at the Five Guys in between both their dorm buildings. It was easier that way, and Jared found that walking around outside helped him calm down.

He grabbed his earbuds and hit shuffle. The song that came up was Taylor Swift’s _Gorgeous_. _Bad timing, shuffle_ , he thought, clicking ‘repeat’ because, okay, even if it reminded him of the crush he’d never get to act on and should probably get over already, it was still one of his favourite songs and also a total fucking bop.

“ _I can’t say anything to your face — ‘cause look at your face_ …”

Jared shook his head, trying not to think about Evan and his freckles and his blonde hair and blue eyes and stupid fucking perfect cheekbones and soft-but-also-sharp jawline and the freckles on his neck and every single thing about this boy that made him so perfect.

Nope, he wasn’t going to think about the adorable stuttering he did when he got nervous or the way he bit his tongue slightly when he was thinking or his weird obsession with trees. He didn’t remember that one time Jared lent him a sweater and almost had a heart attack when he saw Evan wearing it. It didn’t matter that he’d stayed awake with him to talk and how he had gone through so much to reconcile their friendship during their gap year.

It didn’t matter.

He wasn't in love with Evan Hansen.

And if he was, he wouldn’t think about it.

He shoved open the door to the restaurant and looked around, spotting Evan at a table by the window.

“Hey,” he said, collapsing in the chair across from him and tugging out his earbuds. _And I'm so furious at you for making me feel this way_. _But what can I say? You’re gorgeous_.

“Hey,” Evan said, brushing his hair out of his eyes. “So I ordered the Oreo milkshake — your favourite — and a small fry for you. That okay?”

“Yeah,” said Jared. He already wanted to cry. Evan remembered his favourite milkshake flavour from the one time he mentioned it in their sophomore year of high school. What the _fuck_? How was he so charmingly, heartbreakingly sweet? “What’d you get?”

“Peanut butter milkshake and a fry,” he said.

“They make peanut butter milkshakes? I don’t know how to feel about that,” Jared laughed.

“Neither did I, but I tried it and it’s amazing. Trust me.”

Jared shook his head disbelievingly. 

“No, really! You’re trying it once it comes, it’s so good,” Evan said. “Anyway. We have an entire fake relationship to discuss.”

“Ah, yes. It all started because of my stunningly beautiful looks, I suppose,” Jared quipped. 

Evan rolled his eyes. “Yes, your dreamy blue-and-brown eyes reeled me in.”

“You should collab with Taylor Swift.”

“I totally would.”

The man behind the counter called out, “FIFTY-SEVEN?”

“That’s us. I'll be right back,” Evan said. 

True to his word, he was back quickly, with two bags of fries, two milkshakes, and two straws. Evan took a sip of his and then handed it to Jared. “Don't knock it till you try it,” he said.

Jared shook his head, ignored the butterflies in his stomach because _he wasn’t a sixth grade girl_ , and took a sip.

“…Shit, you’re right,” he said. Evan laughed. _Aw, man, his laugh is my favourite song_.

“Told you,” he smirked as Jared handed his milkshake back and took a sip of his own.

“So,” said Evan. “How long have we been dating for?”

“Maybe a week?” Jared suggested. “We waited to tell everyone because we weren’t sure.”

“When’d you break up with Kailyn, though?” Evan asked.

“A week ago,” Jared confirmed.

“Okay,” Evan said, “that works.”

“So we got together last week. Let's assume I asked you out ‘cause you’re too chicken.”

“It’s true, but you shouldn’t say it,” Evan quipped. “Where’d we get together? And why?”

“Why do I have to decide?”

“You asked me out, remember?”

“Shit, you right. Uh… photography class?” He suggested.

“Sure. And why?”

“Why’d I ask you out?”

“Yeah.”

“I realized I had to keep your eyes in my life?” He quoted Hamilton, trusting that Evan would get the reference without him having to name the musical.

“Did you just quote Hamilton at me?”

“Yes.”

“I’m so glad my fake boyfriend is actually a late-18th-century young lady.”

“I am, aren’t I?” Jared quipped. “Nah, I asked you out because… I realized after what happened in senior year that I needed you around?”

“But why _then_ , in photography class?” Evan pressed. “I know you’re here for my confidence and ability to talk to strangers without shaking.”

“No, I'm here ‘cause you’re a great person. Maybe I was taking pictures of you and I was like _shit, I gotta ask him out_?” He continued quickly to cover up any affection he might have let slip through his façade of ‘just friends.’

“Sure, let’s go with it,” said Evan. “Where have we gone for dates?”

“Seriously, why am _I_ answering all the questions?”

“Okay, so we went to the movies. Nice and cliché,” said Evan.

“Oh! Who are we going to be telling?” Jared asked. “Like, is it just my mom and Kaylin, or…?”

“I think we should tell everyone?” said Evan. “So Kaylin won’t figure out that it’s a lie.”

“True,” said Jared.

“All right,” said Evan. “What else might people expect us to know?”

“I dunno, man, I’m chronically single.”

“Okay, mood,” said Evan. “Uh, our first kiss?”

Well, _fuck_. At least Evan’s cheeks were flushed too.

“After our first coffee date?” Jared suggested.

“Okay. Uh, when was our first coffee date?”

“Um, two days after we got together? And we went to Starbucks.”

“Okay. How long have we liked each other?”

Finally, a question he could answer honestly. “Let’s say I'd liked you since… seventh grade,” he said.

“That’s a long-ass time,” said Evan. “I’ve liked you since tenth grade.” He paused and blushed again. “I mean, like, in, in the fake-relationship, not, y'know, in real life — you probably already knew that, sorry — and now I’ve made it weird, fuck — sorry—”

_I know. I know I know I_ know. _You could never love me. I know_.

“Yeah, no, it’s okay,” said Jared. “I knew what you meant, it’s okay.”

_This could never be real, I know_.

“We should make it really close to what's real, though, so it’s easier to pretend,” Evan mused. 

“Should we go on actual, like, _dates_ , then?” Jared asked, and immediately regretted it. His stupid heart couldn’t handle going on a date with this boy if it wasn’t _real_. Other people might have been able to deal with it. Jared couldn’t. He _wanted_ to be able to deal with it. But he couldn’t and he knew from experience just how horrible he was when he was hurting. He took a long sip of his milkshake and wondered if he was going to have to take a break to cry in the bathroom. He sure hoped not.

“Sure,” said Evan. “We can just hang out, but no one has to know that.”

“Where d’you wanna go?” Jared asked him.

“Bowling? The movies? I dunno, man, I’m bad at this kinda thing,” he said.

“A concert?” Jared suggested. “Troye Sivan’s coming, but tickets are expensive as shit.”

Oooh, yeah, but — yeah, tickets. The orchard?”

“Sure. You can tell me about trees,” Jared said.

“How long are we gonna be fake dating for? It can’t go on forever,” Evan reasoned.

“True,” Jared said. “Maybe a month or two? Long enough for Kaylin to realize I’m not running right back to her.”

“Okay,” said Evan. “We’ll work on that later. Wanna go to the movies on Saturday?”

“Sure,” said Jared. He laughed and batted his eyelashes. “Anything for my boyfriend.”

“Shut _up_ ,” Evan laughed, flicking a French fry at him.

“Oh, real mature, Hansen,” Jared grinned. He took a sip of his Oreo milkshake. “I'll get you for that. Mark my words.”

“Oh, I’m absolutely terrified,” Evan teased. He grinned and dipped a fry in his milkshake, glancing up between strands of hair at Jared, who shifted his eyes to his own milkshake.

“Of course you are, I’m terrifying. I’m a ball of fury.”

“You’re like, four foot eight, but okay.”

“I’ll have you know I’m four foot ten," Jared defended, but it sounded weak to even his own ears and he laughed.

“You’re really not helping your case,” said Evan.

“Okay, Hansen, you know what?”

“What?”

“…I haven't gotten that far yet.”

Evan snorted. “Lameass.”

“Dork.”

“Dumbass.”

“Nerd.”

“Loser.”

“Heterosexual.”

“Okay, that’s where you crossed the line,” said Evan, mock-furious, sticking his tongue out before biting down on a fry.

“You’re right. That was mean,” Jared said, trying to straighten out the smile that was fighting to spread. (Not that any part of him was straight, of course.)

“I dunno how I can forgive you for that one,” Evan continued, tilting his head to glance under the table before resting his feet on Jared’s lap. Jared fiddled with his shoelaces, trying to covertly untie them.

“I completely understand; I wouldn’t be able to forgive me either,” Jared said, succeeding in untying one shoe and getting to work on the next.

“It just can’t be reconciled,” said Evan. “You passed the point of no return.”

“The phantom of the opera is here, inside your mind,” Jared quipped. The other shoelace came untied and he grinned, leaning over Evan’s feet to sip on his milkshake.

“Did you… did you untie my shoes?” Evan asked. 

Jared laughed. “Possibly?”

“Oh my god,” Evan said. “You’re such a dork.”

He was so beautiful when he smiled. Jared didn’t know how to cope. Luckily he didn’t have to embarrass himself stumbling through a response, as Evan asked, “How much couple-y stuff are we gonna be doing?”

“Well, a lot around Kaylin so she gets the point,” Jared began, “and, I dunno, if no one’s there what’s the point? But we should around other people just in case, especially if they're friends with her.”

“True,” Evan said. “So we act sickeningly romantic around her and just a little romantic otherwise.”

“Exactly.” It was so hard not to think about Evan. Not when he was right there with his beautiful hair and beautiful smile and beautiful voice.

He began scratching at the skin around his nails, trying and failing to peel back the broken skin.

“And do you th—”

“Fuck," said Jared. He’d peeled back too much skin and blood was dripping down the side of his thumb.

“Aw, shit,” said Evan. “Lemme see if I have a band-aid…” 

He dug through his pockets while Jared poked at the wound, knowing he shouldn’t but still squeezing it to make it bleed more.

“I don’t have one,” said Evan apologetically.

“It’s okay. I’ll get a paper towel from the bathroom,” Jared said.

“All right,” said Evan.

He stood up and cupped a hand under his finger in case it started dripping and resisted the urge to pull the skin back some more. _That’s a bad fucking idea, Jared_ , he told himself, shoving open the bathroom door with his shoulder and grabbing a paper towel.

Evan wouldn’t ever love him back. It was unrealistic.

_Why are we thinking about this again_? He asked his brain. His brain didn’t answer him, instead continuing on its mission to make him feel like shit.

_He will never love you back. You're not good enough for him. It’s stupid to even think of him anymore. He is good and pure and light and you are cruel and selfish and dark_.

He leant against the wall and dragged his fingertips down it like some overdramatic seventh-grade girl in a teen movie.

God, he couldn’t do _anything_ right.

He brushed back the tears that had started to fall with the sleeve of his hoodie but it wasn’t enough and he found himself choking on tears.

_Pull yourself_ together _, Jared_.

Why couldn’t his heart have chosen someone else to love? Someone who wasn’t Evan?


	3. in which Jared has a gay crisis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared gets violently kinkshamed by the squad™

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is 87.2% texting sorry dzjkfhsd please just take it

_I'm always tired but never of you - hate u love u // Olivia O’Brien_

* * *

 

 

Their “date" had ended shortly after Jared returned from the bathroom with slightly puffier eyes than he’d left with. Jared moped his way home, skipping the songs that reminded him of Evan — which was almost all of them.

 

**[Thursday 16 May 13:22]**

**Chat: COOL and 500 bees in a trenchcoat**

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Jared i can see you from the library, u okay?

 

He glanced up from his phone and looked over at the nearby building, where Alana sat on the window seat. She waved. He waved back.

 

**COOL:** je suis, comment dit-ons, ça va, Alana, et je semble triste? désolée. 

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** That was horrible

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** I’d correct your French but I’m not much better

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Whats going on?

**COOL:** oh before we talk about that zoe asked me if u’d texted recently???

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Shit yeah she’s worried cause I've been “working too much”

**COOL:** you probably are

**COOL:** anyway

**COOL:** you know how u had the biggest gay crush on Zoe for so long

 

Jared sat down and leant against a tree — a motherfucking _tree_ , like the one Evan had jumped from. Would this boy never stop haunting him?

 

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** [it’s_true_but_he_shouldnt_say_it.jpg]

**COOL:** how'd yall get together???

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** She asked me out???like normal people who communicate healthily

**COOL:** HA THAT’S FUNNY

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** We were at an ice cream shop and these two girls were kissing and she just pointed at them and said “hey….alana….what if that was us?” and yeah

**COOL:** your gf’s got moves

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Why did u ask?

**COOL:** well there is a human whomst I like

**COOL:** and I can't ask him out

**COOL:** bc in a cruel, self-inflicted twist of fate

**COOL:** WE’RE ALREADY FUCKING DATING

**COOL:** bUT IT;S FAKE

**COOL:** and I've liked him since 7th grade

**COOL:** mother _fucking_ seventh grade

**COOL:** and we jst went on a fake date so we could talk about our fake relationship and I just?? realized it’lL NEVER BE REAL and he will never care and idk

**COOL:** it's ouch

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** That’s gotta be shitty ://

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Let me guess u don't want to ask him out bc it could ruin the friendship?

**COOL:** spot on my gal

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Well u have two options here

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** (Fall out boy voice) hold me tight or don’t

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Nah you could either ask him out and either make things weird for a couple weeks at most (he’s the softest boy™ he can't be mad for more than like 2 days) or you could suffer in silence for a long time before making urself leave him and give up the friendship permanently bc of ur feelings. But jared, Evan hasn't got a mean bone in his body. If he rejects you he’ll still be your friend, I promise

**COOL:** when did I say it was Evan

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Noah fence jared but it’s kinda obvious

**COOL:** do u think he knows???

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** I dont think so

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** But I think u should tell him

**COOL:** no.

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** You don’t have to but

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** ¯\\_( ツ )_/¯

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** At the risk of sounding like a sixth-grade boy, you only live once

**COOL:** i mean yeah but

**COOL:** i really don't want to fuck this up

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** I get that

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** But I dont think he'd leave u bc of this

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** You’ve both worked so hard to heal your friendship

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** He wouldn't throw it all away because u have feelings for him

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** if you don’t want to I respect that

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** But I still think u should

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Do u wanna have a gay crisis now and talk about how much u love evan or do u have to be drunk to do that

**COOL:** OH BOY

**COOL:** WELCOME TO MY TED TALK

**COOL:** first of all his eyes?????made me gay. they're so pretty Alana listen to me. listen. to. me. so gorgeous. they're this gorgeous deep ocean blue and i fkdjhkjdsfs gay

**COOL:** secondly have u noticed how fucking adorable his stupid hair is it’s so cute rip I am dead

**COOL:** it’s all blonde and kinda curly and long and I wanna run my hands through it till the end of time

**COOL:** he has rly nice eyebrows which is gay culture btw i've never met a het with good eyebrows

**COOL:** he has these sTUPID PERFECT LIPS I WANNA KISS THEM KDFHKJHJS THEY LOOK SO SOFT

**COOL:** like God Damn dude did i say that was ok???no???stop???

**COOL:** alana he’s so beautiful fkjhgdjkxfvd

**COOL:** [evan.jpg] he. owns. my. gay. goddamn. heart.

**COOL:** OH he has freckles and they are???????yeah yes AND yep. i'm gay. im so gay. gayest gay I wanna Kiss All Of Them they're so cute kfdjhgvkdjfgvdjfgv 

**COOL:** his eyelashes???? Sign Me The Fuck Up they’re so long jfdkghl

**COOL:** i cld talk about his hands forever so i'll keep this short but whOAH WOW they're so?????????? I don't even know just his fingers are so long and perfect and I want them around m

**COOL:** anyway

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** ORSDHFVKDFHGUVYDFGXCJGVJHSDKFJHCJKJ

**COOL:** anyway

**COOL:** motherFUCKER HIS ARMS???THE REASON IM GAY

**COOL:** brb having a homosexual crisis

**COOL:** his jawline?????????????yeah 

**COOL:** i dont know the most polite way to say “wow I would fuck him if he asked” but yeah thats how I feel

**COOL:** anyway I am extremely gay

**COOL:** thats all kids bye

**COOL:** WAIT there’s MORE

**COOL:** his voice has me Weak whenever he speaks I have a heart attack

**COOL:** he’s so sweet like I was ranting to him about Kaylin and he was like "dude we should fake date” 

**COOL:** and he’s so selfless

**COOL:** god I love him sm

**COOL:** ok sure he’s kind of a pathological liar but he’s getting better about it???

**COOL:** like he’ll say “oh yeah I had ramen for dinner last night” and then go “…no I didn't i had mcnuggets”

**COOL:** oh and he cares???about people???so much??? I just

**COOL:** one time he wore my sweater and I almost had a heart attack

**COOL:** he bites his tongue when he’s thinking and it should be illegal im;;

**COOL:** you may have noticed he likes trees. I know about 3 things about trees but cld listen to him talk about them all day

**COOL:** one time I had a bad day and he stayed up all night texting me and. gay

**COOL:** done for real this time kjfhckjfd

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Back to that one part

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Let it be known that jared kleinman has a hand kink

**COOL:** I DO NOT

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** sounds fake but okay

**COOL:** I TELL U THESE THINGS IN CONFIDENCE AND U MAKE FUN OF ME?????!

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Im laughing so hard slfkxhgvkdlfxlfvk

**COOL:** im being bullied :((

**COOL:** fuck I just thought “evan would think this is funny” and then I was like WAIT

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** “Hey ev i was talking to alana about how much I would like to have wild sex with u and we had a Funny Interaction”

**COOL:** i dont deserve this :(

**COOL:** im a good gay :(

**COOL:** i pay my taxes :(

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Well next time don't tell anyone about ur hand kink

**COOL:** I

**COOL:** DON’T

**COOL:** HAVE

**COOL:** A

**COOL:** HAND

**COOL:** KINK

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Ok hon whatever helps u sleep at night

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Oh wait

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** I take that back u probably spend ur nights thinking about evan’s hands

**COOL:** [it’s_true_but_she_shouldnt_say_it.jpg]

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** KAJHVDFLXCKFVSDBIXCULVJJFDXCBVJHKN

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Thank u for ur honesty

**COOL:** im jst a humble gay tryna live my life

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** im telling the gc

**COOL:** ALANA NO

 

**[Thursday 16 May 13:47]**

**Chat: two gays, a bi, and a pan walk into a gc**

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** This jsut in jared has a hand kink

**COOL:** OH MY GOD

**Denim stars:** JKSFHGKJHVDFJKXHVJKHDFKXJCHVDX

**COOL:** PLEAS E LEAVE ME ALONE IM TYRIJGN MY BETS ALANAS MAKIG THIS INTO SMTH IT;;S NOT

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** You... really can’t deny it anymore jared

**COOL:** I DO NOT HAVE A HAND KINK

**Acorn:** What the hell ???

**COOL:** alana’s blwoing things out of proportion ://

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Not the only thing I'm blowing ;) ;)

**Denim stars:** Alana you are literally a lesbian

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** As opposed to figuratively a lesbian

**Denim stars:** fuck u  ♡

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Yeah u seem to enjoy that?

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** bUT ZOE we’re trans. w. we’re trans.

**COOL:** can we get back to the issue at hand

**COOL:** no pun intended

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** sdzfsdSDJFCSDJ

**Acorn:** You have a hand kink ??????????????

**COOL:** OH MY GOD NO I DONT, TREE KINK

**COOL:** ALANA LOOK WHAT U’VE DONE

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** [look_what_you_made_me_do.jpg]

**COOL:** in other news I love taylor swift

**Acorn:** I kNOW

 

**[Thursday 16 May 13:56]**

**Chat: COOL and Acorn**

**Acorn:** Yo are we pretending to date w/ our friends or should we be honest ??

**COOL:** let’s jst be honest i dont want to lie to them

**Acorn:** okay

 

**[Thursday 16 May 13:47]**

**Chat: two gays, a bi, and a pan walk into a gc**

**Acorn:** Oh btw jared broke up with kaylin last week so we’re fake dating now

**Acorn:** To get her to leave him alone

**COOL:** she’s been hORRIBLE so I needed to get rid of her

**Denim stars:** oh I've read enough fanfic to know where this is going

**Acorn:** Zoe,,,

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** [why_would_you_say_something_so_controversial_and_yet_so_brave.gif]

**Denim stars:** JHCJHD TRUE

 

Jared grinned down at his phone before sliding it in his pocket and walking towards the dorm building. His chat with Alana had made him feel much better (even if it did mean he was now, judging by the constant buzzing of his phone, being subjected to intense kink shaming in the group chat).

The air was crisp and cold for May, so he pulled his sleeves over his hands and broke into a jog, not stopping until he reached the building.

He wondered what Evan was doing. If he was doing okay. If the groupchat was entertaining him adequately. 

Apparently, it had been. The first notification on his lock screen was **_Acorn:_** _I can't fuckin wait till jared reads this kngjkdfgvndf_

Laughing, he unlocked his phone and began reading through the texts.

It was nice. Just having his friends and being able to feel this at ease with anyone. _And that, Alana_ , he thought, _is why I won't tell him how I feel._


	4. twelve dollars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ft. jared is gay
> 
> In which Jared has a panic attack and winds up at Starbucks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: abuse, gaslighting, panic attacks, mention of past self harm at the end

 

_You were always there for me when I needed you the most - Say You Won’t Let Go // James Arthur_

 

* * *

Kaylin found him in the halls between classes and cornered him, trapping him between the wall and herself, staring down at him.

“You abandoned me!” She punched the wall over his head.

“You were manipulating me,” said Jared. The words came out weaker than he’d like.

“I was not! You left me for no reason at all!”

“I left you because you were abusive.”

“Give me one more chance,” she pleaded through puckered, poisonous, purple lips.

“I have a boyfriend,” he blurted.

_Why did he say that_ —

“Oh, so you’re gay now?” Kaylin asked.

“I always have been,” Jared said.

“Then why’d you date me?”

“I—”

“‘Cause you sure seemed straight when we made out at Denny's!”

“We never went to Denny's,” Jared pointed out, wracking his memory, because he sure didn't _remember_ going to Denny's.

“We went to Denny's and made out! Why don’t you remember?”

“That never happened,” Jared said, a little less sure of himself. Maybe he’d just forgotten.

“We went to Denny's. You don’t even remember our fucking date to Denny's? God. You’re such a shitty boyfriend.”

“Ex-boyfriend. I’m your ex-boyfriend.”

“No, you’re my boyfriend. It was my _birthday_.”

He blinked at the sudden shift in conversation before replying, “I thought your birthday was in August? We started dating in October.”

“ _No_ , my birthday is in November! Holy shit. You’re so horrible, Jared.”

“See! This is what I’m talking about!” He yelled back. “You can’t insult me all the time and then expect me to stay with you!”

“I’m not insulting you!”

“You literally just said I was horrible.”

“I’m—that’s different! You can’t leave me. You’re all I have,” she pouted.

Jared glanced down at his phone, pretending it had vibrated. “Hey, babe… Yeah, no, of course… Good… Can’t wait to see you… Love you… Bye, babe.” He slid it back in his pocket. “Gotta run. My _boyfriend’s_ gonna meet me at Starbucks.”

“Don’t leave me again,” Kaylin whined.

“I gotta leave—” He tried shoving past her but she wouldn’t move, bracing her arms on either side of his head.

He felt his heart rate pick up. The halls were silent. No one would be there to help him if she tried to make a move.

“Kaylin, I…” he ducked under her arm and sprinted for the door as fast as he could.

She didn’t follow.

Once he felt he was satisfactorily far away he collapsed underneath a tree and began to sob.

God, he was so weak. So fucking weak.

 

**[Friday 17 May 10:14]**

**Chat: COOL and Acorn**

**COOL:** evan idk if yyoure in class but please answer

**Acorn:** hey I’m here, what happened ???

**COOL:** so fucking kaylin ffound me

**COOL:** it ddnt go well??????

**COOL:** im under a tree outsde of th Stephens building

**COOL:** by the art wing side not the music side 

**Acorn:** I’m technically in class rn but I’ll come find u

**Acorn:** I’m sorry dude

**COOL:** it’s not ur fault

 

True to his word, two minutes later Evan was there, panting slightly, and _oh god, Jared,_ don’t _think too hard about that_.

“Hey,” said Evan, collapsing next to him, flinging his bag to the side. “What happened?”

“Kaylin found me and kinda trapped me against the wall and kept insulting me and said she wasn’t and—” He took a breath ( _yes, breathing, that’s a thing humans have to do sometimes, Jared, get it together_ ) and continued, “—she kept saying we made out at Denny's? But we never went to Denny's, or at least not that I remember? I might have forgotten. And she said it was on her birthday but she'd said her birthday was in August and we weren’t dating then but when I brought that up she said it was in November so maybe I forgot and I’m confused but—”

“Jared. _Jared_.”

Jared glanced up. He hadn’t realized he’d put his head between his knees but at some point he had.

“You’re okay. You’re fine. She’s gaslighting you. You never went to Denny's.”

“But how do you know?”

Evan sighed. “Because you text me every fucking time you’re at Denny's that you went to Denny's, even if I’m sitting across from you, because you fucking love Denny’s.”

“Maybe I forgot, maybe—”

“With all due respect, shut up,” said Evan. “You _know_ you didn't go to Denny's.”

“I could have gone to Denny's—” He tried getting his breathing in line but it was getting harder and his vision was getting blurry.

“Hey, hey,” said Evan, grabbing both his hands and turning so the two of them faced each other. _Not helping my gay crisis, Evan_. “Breathe with me, okay?” He started taking deep, over-exaggerated breaths so Jared could, and he took several with him before beginning to hyperventilate again, because _what if she was right and he was crazy_?

Jared ducked his head and Evan pulled him into his chest, wrapping one arm around Jared. Jared flung his over Evan’s shoulder, keeping his other hand in Evan’s.

_This is… literally… so gay_ , he thought.

_What if he was crazy_

_What if he was crazy_

Evan smelled like pine needles and soap.

_What if she was right what if he was just as horrible as she said_

Evan shifted and took Jared’s other hand again, placing it over his heart. (Jared? Having a homosexual heart attack? It’s more likely than you think.)

_What if what if she was right she was right I’m crazy_

He tried to breathe with Evan, focusing on his breathing and the feeling of his hand on Evan’s chest.

It took a few minutes but once he had his breathing back to normal, Evan brushed Jared’s hair out of his eyes and sat back. “You feel any better?”

“Yeah.” _That was gay_. “Thanks, Ev.”

“Of course,” Evan said. 

“Did you… did you run here?” Jared asked, only just noticing the beads of sweat on his forehead.

“Maybe?" 

Jared felt his heart melt. “Thanks, man.”

“What can I say except you're welcome?” Evan half-sang.

Jared recognized the Disney song immediately. “Don’t quote Moana at me,” he groaned. “ _Please_.”

“Not my fault I’m actually a six-year-old girl,” Evan shrugged. Jared snorted.

“Hey,” said Evan. “Wanna go to Starbucks?”

“Sure,” said Jared. “Right now, or later?”

“Right now, I mean, I’ve got my stuff,” Evan said. “There’s one that’s like a ten minute walk away.”

“Let’s go,” said Jared.

The walk there felt short. Maybe it was. Maybe it felt short because he was with Evan and everything was faster and brighter and louder and _better_ with Evan.

He ordered a pineapple black iced tea and a chocolate chip cookie and Evan ordered a peppermint mocha and a brownie — and oh _fuck_.

“Kaylin’s here,” Jared whispered to Evan, standing on his toes to do so, and _okay_ , maybe it was a little selfish of him to use the excuse of whispering to brush his lips against Evan's temple but no one could really call him out on it, now could they?

“Shit,” Evan whispered.

“I told her I was going to Starbucks. To get away from her,” said Jared.

“We’ve gotta be _disgustingly_ couple-y," said Evan.

The two of them wandered over to the longest table and sat down on the bench end, Evan flinging an arm around him and dramatically kissing his forehead. Jared blushed.

Kaylin saw. He knew Kaylin saw and she scowled at them, looking like a kid who had a prize stolen from her at the fair.

“What do couples even do?” Jared whispered, panicked.

“I don’t know, man, I’ve been in exactly one relationship.”

“Can I just — feed you this cookie?”

Jared found himself blushing even more but leaned against Evan’s chest and pretended he was completely at ease. “Go ahead.”

“You know,” said Evan as Jared took a bite of the cookie, “public sex is always a deterrent.”

Jared choked on the cookie. “Evan Hansen, I swear to god. I — I will _lick your fucking fingers_.”

“Is that gay enough for her, you think?” Evan asked, grinning.

“Public sex? The cookies? Licking fingers?”

“Licking fingers,” Evan clarified, and Jared could tell he was shaking with laughter. This was some of the most physical contact he’d had with anyone in years. He loved it.

“Eh, it’s still a little heterosexual.”

Kaylin marched over to them, a water in one hand and a doughnut in the other.

“So. Is it true? You’re his boyfriend?”

“Yep,” said Evan. He slipped two fingers under the collar of Jared's shirt and Jared was sure he was about to die. His heart would beat out of his chest and he would die.

“Prove it,” said Kaylin, planting a hand on her hip.

“Prove… that we’re dating?” Jared asked.

“Mhm.”

“How the hell do you expect us to do that?”

Suddenly Evan’s fingers were on his chin and he turned in Evan’s lap to be able to see him.

And then Evan was kissing him.

And he tasted 

like peppermint,

like brownies,

like coming home after a long day.

He tasted like coffee and oranges.

It wasn’t bad at all.

His lips were just as soft as Jared thought they would be.

Evan smiled at him when they broke apart. He didn’t know what to say. What the hell do you _say_ in this situation? When your fake boyfriend and long-term crush kisses you in front of your abusive ex-girlfriend?

“Anything else?” He said to Kaylin instead.

“Fucking liar,” she spit, and turned on her heel.

The two of them waited until she was out of sight before untangling themselves. 

“Wow,” he mumbled.

“Yeah,” said Evan.

Jared’s face was growing steadily warmer. “Please don’t make this awkward,” he begged. 

“I won’t if you don’t,” said Evan. “Want me to get you another cookie?”

Jared hadn’t even noticed he’d finished it. “Sure,” he said, beginning to dig in his pocket for money. Evan grabbed his wrist. “Nope, I’m pay— what happened?” He ran his finger over the light diagonal scar that ran down his wrist. Jared was just glad he’d taken that arm and not the other.

“Eighth grade I got called down to the principal’s office and got really anxious and accidentally scratched my skin off,” he shrugged. “Fun fact.”

“Holy shit,” said Evan. “…I’m definitely paying for your cookie.”

Jared laughed. “Eighth grade me says thank you.”

After Evan had gotten up he leaned back against the wall.

He had kissed Evan Hansen.

And Evan Hansen had kissed him back.

 

**[Friday 17 May 10:28]**

**COOL and 500 bees in a trenchcoat**

**COOL:** alana alana alana

**COOL:** ALANA

**COOL:** I kissed him

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** YOU WHAT NOW!!!

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** HOW WAS IT!!!

**COOL:** he…is a very good kisser

**COOL:** lips as soft as I thought

**COOL:** 500/10 would do again

**COOL:** it was only cause kaylin was there tho

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** How are his hands?

**COOL:** oh my god,,,

**COOL:** they’re very nice actually. feel great in mine.

**COOL:** gtg love u

 

Evan sat down next by him with a cookie in one of Starbuck’s paper bags. Jared leaned against him, using his chest as a pillow again. 

“You’re soft,” he said in answer to the unasked question. “And I'm really tired.”

“I read that having a panic attack takes away as much energy from you as running a marathon might take from the average heathy person,” Evan said.

“That’s probably true,” said Jared.

Evan started running his fingers through Jared’s hair. _That’s gay, Evan. That’s_ really _gay_. “If you need anything, I’m here.”

“Mental stability?”

“Yeah, I’ve got like twelve dollars,” Evan amended.

“Twelve dollars and a pretty face,” said Jared.

Evan laughed. It was his favourite song. He’d listen to it forever if he could. He wanted to always be the one to make him laugh like that. “It is a very pretty face. You’re right,” he said.

“The prettiest one you’ve got,” said Jared.

“What the actual hell?”

“Unless you’re collecting them, I mean.”

“… _What the actual hell_?”

“I dunno, man, I never fuckin’ sleep.”

“You are _so_ lucky I’m still your fake boyfriend. All the other guys would’ve run screaming by now.”

“Best fake boyfriend I've ever had,” Jared confirmed.

Evan grinned and pulled out his phone. “Wanna watch a Wicked bootleg?”

“Oh, hell yeah,” he grinned.

If this couldn’t be real, at least they would still be friends. At least he didn’t have to let go completely.


	5. flower crowns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An open field that’s framed with JAR E D I S G A Y

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: past self harm

_I'm so into you, I can barely breathe- Into You // Ariana Grande_

* * *

 

 

The wind blew softly but it wasn't nearly as soft as Evan’s lips had been the other day at Starbucks. Thinking about it made Jared blush a bit more than he already was.

Evan was rambling on about every tree he saw — “Jared, look at this one, I know it looks like an oak tree, but it’s not, see!” — and Jared was _listening_ to him and actually _learning_ because apparently he had fallen far too deep.

“--And did you know apples are a part of the rose family?”

“You’ve said that like five times," said Jared, but he was smiling. Evan grinned back at him. “You’ve gotta admit that's cool.”

“It is,” Jared agreed. Evan tossed an unripe apple up and down as he walked. 

“Look, there’s an oak — and a maple — holy shit that’s tall — oh, and there’s a cypress, I wonder why the types of trees here are so diverse!”

“Maybe seeds blew over from other places during a tornado or something?”

Evan pointed at him. “See, my boyfriend is smart!” He said this loudly, as if there were a chance of anyone from their school hearing.

“Yes I am,” Jared affirmed at the same volume.

“Wanna lie down and pretend we’re in a super cliché high school movie?”

“Hell yeah,” said Jared.

Evan grinned and sat down cross-legged in the grass with all the eloquence of a little kid. It was one of the cutest things he’d ever seen.

He sat down next to Evan, who promptly rocked back and smiled at him, lying on his back. “C’mon, lie down with me,” said Evan.

He did, turning onto his side so he could grin at Evan before remembering how fake this all was.

It was going to ruin him. It was going to destroy him from the inside out, being in love with this boy.

He sighed and picked a dandelion, moving to tuck it behind Evan’s ear before hesitating. “I'm making a flower crown,” he said decisively, reaching for other flowers and beginning to knit them together. Evan watched, fascinated, for a couple seconds before grabbing some flowers and making his own.

Jared’s hands stilled as he watched the way Evan’s fingers carefully knotted each stem. They were gorgeous fingers, in all honesty. His nails were perfectly manicured and his nail beds weren’t bleeding from biting them and picking at them like Jared’s. His hands were soft, Jared knew from experience, but also rough from all his tree climbing. He had a scar on his left thumb from sixth grade when he tried to cut a bagel and failed horribly.

He realized he’d been staring at Evan’s hands for far longer than was socially acceptable and went back to his flower-crown knitting. It took longer than he remembered, but only because his head was bigger now so he needed more flowers. Not because he was a little distracted by Evan and his hands and the way he bit his tongue when he got to a particularly hard knot to tie. It was just because he needed more flowers now.

Once he finished he grinned and placed it on Evan’s head, balancing it over his soft blonde curls.

“Beautiful,” he said, grinning so Evan didn't know how serious he was being. Because god, that kid was gorgeous.

Evan smiled back at him for a second before going back to making the crown. Jared slid his phone out of his pocket and snapped a couple of pictures, the first few of Evan still focused, the last few of him looking up and grinning at the camera. The grin faded into a sheepish smile and Jared felt like he might die right there on the spot.

“Does it look good?" Evan asked.

“It looks great,” said Jared, and continued, because he was an idiot, “it looks really good, I mean, _you_ look really good, it’s, it’s, I like it. A lot. Sorry.”

Evan smiled a little more. “Thanks,” he mumbled. He glanced down to tie the last few knots on his and then picked it up, placing it on Jared’s head, grabbing his phone and taking a couple pictures.

“Gorgeous,” Evan said, grinning. 

“Copyright Taylor Swift, studio album number six entitled ‘Reputation,’ stylized as ‘reputation,’ November 2017.”

Evan snorted. “Why are you like this?”

“I don’t know, but you love me.”

Evan’s voice softened, or at least Jared liked to think it did. “Yeah. I do.”

Jared stared down at the lone dandelion he was holding. “Love you too.”

Evan smiled, and Jared couldn’t really see him from where he was intently staring at the flower, so he took a risk and glanced up and _yep, worth it_ , because Evan’s smile was beautiful.

Evan grinned at him and rested his head on his arms, his eyes fluttering closed.

Jared gazed at him, at this boy with the tan (well, tanner than usual — so still very pale) skin and long eyelashes and light freckles and soft lips — his lips had been so soft — god —

He glanced away but his eyes were drawn back to the beautiful boy lying next to him. Evan’s eyes fluttered open.

“I should really buy a pair of dark jeans.”

“What?” Jared laughed.

“For the aesthetic. Since I'm such a bad boy.”

Jared snorted. “And I’m a child of Jesus.” Although he had to admit, the mental image of Evan in dark jeans and one of his stupid blue button-downs with a cigarette in one hand was _not_ a bad one.

“Okay, true,” Evan said. He smiled again. 

His lips were barely five centimeters away from Evan’s. Everything inside him was screaming for him to kiss the other boy. They were so close.

“I missed you. When we were fighting,” he mumbled instead.

“I missed you too,” Evan said, just as quietly.

“It was… It was really hard,” Jared said. And maybe this was the closest he would ever get to admitting what had happened that year without Evan around.

“Yeah?” Evan asked, in the tone that meant _I can tell you want to explain but if you're not comfortable explaining what that meant than I'm not going to force you_.

“I was… it was not a good time. It…” Jared reached up and ran his fingers through his hair, his baggy hoodie sleeves falling down, which was intentional, because there was no way in hell he could make his mouth form the words he wanted to say.

Evan bit the side of his lip and took a breath. “We must’ve had similar years, then,” he said, and the words took a second to sink in.

“Shit, man.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.”

“Maybe yeah can be our always.”

Jared snorted. “Did you just _fucking_ quote John Green at me?”

“Only the best for my fake boyfriend.”

“Cheeseball.”

“You love it.”

“Yeah.”

“Maybe yeah can b—”

Jared slapped a hand over his mouth. “NO.”

“I will lick your hand,” Evan threatened, voice muffled.

“No you won’t,” laughed Jared.

A second later he felt Evan’s tongue on his hand and let out a shriek. “OH MY GOD, EVAN, YOU CAN’T JUST _LICK PEOPLE’S HANDS_ WHEN THEY BOTHER YOU!” Evan grinned at him as Jared wiped his hand on his jeans. “We’re twenty, not twelve.”

“You’re the one who told me to.”

“I did not—! I just said you wouldn’t!”

“…Which is basically telling me to.”

“It’s true, but he shouldn’t say it.”

Evan snorted and then his face lit up. “Oh! You know the song you like, Do I Wanna Know by the Arctic Monkeys? I found a 3D audio edit and you gotta hear it, man, it’s so good,” said Evan. “I heard it and I was like ‘Jared’s gotta hear this right now.’” He continued as he scrolled through his phone for a couple more seconds before — “found it!” He tossed Jared his phone and earbuds and Jared put them in, hitting play.

“You’re right,” he said about thirty seconds in. “Oh my god, it’s better than being high. It’s like — it’s like jerking off with your ears—"

_Jared, why the_ fuck _would you_ say _that?!?_

Evan ripped one earbud out of his ear. “WHY WOULD YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!”

“Well, it’s true,” said Jared, unwilling to back down but really wishing he’d kept his thoughts in his head so he wouldn’t have to think about jerking off. _Himself_ jerking off. Evan jerking off. Him jerking _Evan_ off. Nope, no thanks, brain, not today, _no_. Not necessary, not wanted, not needed.

“IT’S TRUE BUT YOU SHOULDN’T SAY IT,” Evan sputtered out.

Jared laughed. The bright red blush on Evan’s cheeks almost made it worth the arguing he was currently engaged in with his mind. “I'm just trying to tell the truth!”

“Goddamnit, dude,” said Evan. 

“But I’m right.”

“I mean, yes? But you can’t—”

“That’s where you’re wrong, kiddo,” said Jared.

Evan rolled his eyes. “ANYWAY. I can’t believe I’m hanging out with an actual seventh grader.”

“I will fight you, right now,” said Jared.

“Oh, you will?” Evan asked, and his voice was both dangerous and honey-sweet. Jared would have given anything for Evan to just pin him to the ground and kiss him until he passed out. “All four-foot-ten of you is gonna fight me?” _A man with lesser restraint would have came in his pants by now_ , Jared contemplated. _Jesus Christ._

“Hell yeah I am.”

“Go ahead,” said Evan, and Jared knew he was way too weak to actually fight him. Instead he grabbed Evan’s hand and held it. 

“If this is fighting, kissing must be a war,” Evan quipped.

“If it takes fighting a war for us to meet it will have been worth it.”

“If you quote Hamilton at me one more fucking time—”

“Hey, Evan? Talk less.”

“Okay, fuck you.”

“I'm suing.”

“With what money?” Evan teased.

Jared stuck his tongue out. “Yours.”

“I’ll bite your tongue off.”

“Kinky.”

Evan winked and Jared laughed. “You’re a huge fucking dork, you know that, right?”

“You love me.”

“I do.” _I love you,_ and _I wanna kiss your neck_.


	6. it wasn’t on purpose (he thought he was okay)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Jared both had bad nights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: bulimia, vomiting, (almost) suicide attempt, self harm, blood

 

_I'm wondering where the apathy and urgency is that I thought I phoned in - Camisado // Panic! at the Disco_

* * *

**[Sunday 19 May 23:00]**

**Chat: COOL and 500 bees in a trenchcoat**

**COOL:** Alana im in some deep shit

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:**???

**COOL:** im super hella fucken deep in love with him 

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Yeah??

**COOL:** [evan+sunshine=gay.jpg]

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Aww he’s so sweet

**COOL:** we made godfuckingdamn flower crowns alana

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Gay

**COOL:** do u see my problem

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Yeah you're scared to tell ur best friend that u’ve got a mASSIVE emotional boner for him

**COOL:** I disapprove of the use of the phrase “emotional boner”

**COOL:** no thanks

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** It's true though

**COOL:** oH!! I DIDNT GET TO TELL YOU HOW I FUCKED UP THIS TIME (#3 will SHOCK you!)

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Did u just clickbait a conversation

**COOL:** yes

**COOL:** so he showed me the 3d audio version of a song I like (gay) and me being the dumbass I am ,,

**COOL:** i yelled out “it’S LIKE JERKING OFF WITH YOUR EARS”

**COOL:** dont worry I regret my birth too

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** AKHVDLFOGPJVJDNFGIF8ERLIUNFKVN DF

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** I am HOLLERING this is the best thing I’ve heard all day

**COOL:** story time I was bullied

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** LJFSFDLJSDKFJLKSDJKJSDFKJSDKFJCLK

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** So ur in love with him. Whats new

**COOL:** hey

**COOL:** [it’s_true_but_(S)he_shouldnt_say_it.jpg]

**COOL:** he is. yeah

**COOL:** oh also he licked my hand

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** WHJAT THE FCUK

**COOL:** HE WAS QUOTING JOHN GREEN AT ME SO I PUT MY HAND OVER HIS MOUTH AND HE WAS LIKE “I’LL LICK UR HAND” AND I WAS LIKE “LMAO NO” AND HE

**COOL:** HE LICKED IT

**COOL:** HE LICKED MY MOTHERFUCKING HAND ALANA

**COOL:** oh also he

**COOL:** has this really hot voice did u know

**COOL:** he used it to yell at me today

**COOL:** im so gay alana

**COOL:** so so gay

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** That's really fucking gay jared

**COOL:** im rly fucking gay

**COOL:** i rly wish i was fucking a gay ://

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** …I should've expected tgat tbh ksjdksdkjsjdkj

**COOL:** yeah well we’re not all cool

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Hey I'll have u know my gf thinks i'm cool

**COOL:** sources?? :/

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** [zoe_am_i_cool.mp4]

**COOL:** ok fine

**COOL:** wait

**COOL:** are you guys. are you guys wearing shirts

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** No i interrupted a round of intense combat fucking to text you

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Of course I'm wearing a shirt u fucking dumbass

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** [shirt_proof.jpg]

**COOL:** …i feel stupid now

**COOL:** also

**COOL:** “combat fucking”?

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Yeah well u _are_ stupid

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Combat fucking. what don't u understand

**COOL:** hey :(

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Ask him out

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Please

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Ur pining is killing me

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** PLEASE

**COOL:** no

**COOL:** anyway did u know im in love with the most attractive human on this earth

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** You’re in love with my gf?????????

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** hi this is zoe i'm so sorry about my gf sdlkfjsklf

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Alana is back zoe stole my goddamn phone

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Now she wants to know who ur in love with

**COOL:** your mom HAHAHAH

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** You can't see it but Zoe is now googling “hot dog slicers overnight shipping”

**COOL:** HVFDOIGUVENRDFIHVLDJSNFHIUREDSLKFKVNDFHCUXVJNFC

**COOL:** anyway I wanna do sex with mystery boy

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** SFUKLGVKDFJV

**COOL:** it’s true //shrugs//

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** mnhjvgli;oiuyftcy

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** You’re so incredibly obviously sexually frustrated it’s funny

**COOL:** HEY

**COOL:** BYE I DONT NEED THIS TOXICITY SDKSLKDLKLDASD

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** love u too

 

He threw his phone on the floor in a huff and laid down, staring at the wall.

_Why_ did his stupid heart have to fall for Evan Hansen?

Jared reached under his bed, the corner of the mattress digging uncomfortably into his ribcage, looking for food. He pulled out the first thing he felt, which was a box of Oreos, and tore it open, the ripping of the plastic overly loud in the silent room.

He bit down on the first one and oh _god_ it tasted _really_ good. _Really_ _fucking_ _good_.

He ate another and then a third and a fourth and found he couldn’t stop because he kept saying “just one more” and then having two more and there were so _many_ , he couldn’t/shouldn’t/wouldn’t do this.

He only stopped when he dug his hand into the box and realized there were no more.

That’s when he realized he’d fucked up. He’d fucked up so badly.

_Jared you can't do this Jared Jared Jared_ —

Still, he found himself getting up, grabbing a toothbrush, opening the door, walking down the hall, and locking himself in a bathroom stall.

_Don’t do this Jared, don’t do it_ —

But his stomach _hurt_ , he was so full and he’d fucked up everything, recovery, eating, his friendship with Evan, he’d fucked it all up. 

It wasn’t a _mistake_ to lean over the toilet bowl and make himself throw up.

_But it wasn’t on purpose, right?_

(It was on purpose. He wasn’t fooling himself.)

He coughed, his throat scraped raw from what he’d just done.

It had been months since this had last happened. Months where he thought he was doing better, where he thought he was okay.

He brushed his hair out of his eyes with his clean hand and shoved open the door, not letting the tears behind his eyes fall.

He brushed his teeth like nothing was wrong. If he tried hard enough he could pretend it wasn’t.

Jared washed his hands. Drank a cup of water from one of the disposable paper cups. Went back to his dorm.

He felt sick.

He pulled his favourite headphones on, the white ones that were comfortable enough for him tosleep in, and clicked play on one of his favourite songs, Camisado by Panic! At The Disco.

He was about to go to sleep — had laid down and closed his eyes, his phone set to turn off the music after fifteen minutes — when he heard the loudest text tone in the world — _Evan’s_.

 

**[Sunday 19 May 23:41]**

**Chat: COOL and Acorn**

**Acorn:** You’re probably asleep right now but 

**Acorn:** I hope you know I care about you?? no matter what happens

**Acorn:** Like even if i do smth Bad or that seems Bad it doesn't mean i dont care???idk

**COOL:** that’s a scary thing to hear from someone with a mental illness are u okay

**Acorn:** Oh fuck you're awake

**Acorn:** I thought u'd be asleep

**Acorn:** Not that it’s bad to talk to you just

**Acorn:** kdjdjksjksjdkjasj never mind sorry I'm sorry 

**COOL:** seriously dude are you okay?????

**COOL:** im getting worried my guy

**Acorn:** Ok so I maybe shouldn't be alone rn

**Acorn:** bUT IT’S FINE U NEED SLEEP SORRY

**Acorn:** IM SORRy

**COOL:** are you coming over here or am I going over there??

**Acorn:** I'll come over there

**COOL:** is that gonna be safe??????????

**COOL:** dude you’re seriously ffreaking me out rn

**Acorn:** jksdhfjsjdhsjh I thought u were asleep I didn't mean to scare u

**Acorn:** it’s fine I promise i’ll be right there

 

Jared bit his lip and got up, flicking on the lights and adjusting his Spiderman t-shirt. He paced around his room. It was about a twenty minute walk between their dorms. Maybe ten? He wasn’t sure, couldn’t remember over the worry.

It was a text someone might send before hurting themselves.

The knock at the door came fifteen minutes after Evan’s last text and he jumped up, unlocking the door.

“Evan,” he said. “Come in, never fucking scare me like that again, what’s going on?”

Evan was wearing a Westerburg High School Tennis Team shirt, running shorts, and his hurt like a sweater over himself. He closed the door softly behind him and enveloped Jared in a hug. Jared buried his face in Evan’s shoulder.

“I'm sorry,” Evan mumbled.

“No, I already told you, it’s okay, you didn’t mean to scare me—”

“No, I mean, I’m _sorry_ — I was going to jump.”

The meaning of his words took a moment to sink in. “You were going to — but _why_?” His voice cracked and he pulled Evan even closer.

“Please just yell at me,” Evan mumbled into his hair, “it’s so much easier when people don't care.”

“I know,” Jared whispered back. “Sit down, talk to me,” he said, disentangling himself from Evan and sitting down on his bed, patting the spot next to him. Jared took his hand and rubbed soothing circles into the back of it, to calm him down and to keep his hands busy. Evan had a habit of picking at the skin of his neck when he was nervous.

“It just hit me,” Evan mumbled, rocking back and forth, one hand braced on his knee. “All of a sudden, how I'm not going to be good enough and everyone hates me and, you know, the usual, and I — I knew the way to get the voices to stop was to just… die. Or get hurt enough that I can’t think of anything else. So I started texting people, telling them I cared, ‘cause it all said they were offline, except Alana, but she’s always online and never checks her texts. No one was supposed to answer.”

“I don’t hate you,” Jared said. He wiped his eyes with the back of his free hand before any tears could fall. “I could never hate you.”

“I don’t know how,” Evan whispered. His voice was rough with unspilled tears.

“Because you’re an amazing person and I love you,” Jared shrugged. “Please, just stay, okay? If not for yourself, for me?”

“I also relapsed,” Evan admitted.

“Me too,” Jared said. He snorted with no happiness. “It’s been a shit night.”

Evan’s eyes darted to his wrist and he shook his head. “Bulimia.”

“Oh, shit.”

“Why are you wearing shorts?”

“Because it’s really hot in my dorm room.” Evan, apparently, didn’t notice his lame attempt at changing the subject. Or maybe he just didn’t want to push.

“Ah, okay.”

“Is there, uh, anything I can do to help?”

“That’s sweet, Ev, but I’m not the one who almost died tonight.”

Jared’s eyes were trained on Evan’s thigh, not just because his thighs were _really_ _hot_ , but also because he thought he saw…

“Yeah, but you still—”

“You’re bleeding,” he said, finally realizing why Evan’s leg might be bleeding.

“What?”

Jared gestured unnecessarily to his leg.

“Goddamnit,” said Evan.

“Do you need bandages or anything?” Jared asked. 

Evan wiped the blood off of his leg and sighed. “Probably. Do you need… emotional bandages?”

“So, like, support? Always,” Jared said dryly as he crossed the room, digging through the bottom drawer of his cabinet. He pulled out the first aid kit and said, “Am I gonna need to make sure you don’t strangle yourself with the medical tape?” He was only half kidding.

“That’s really not how I’d prefer to go,” said Evan. “I… don’t want to get blood on your bed.”

“That’s what she said.”

“What the fuck?”

“I don’t know. There’s a bathroom like three steps away if you want? But I really don’t care. They’re _dark_ _blue_ _sheets_ , Evan.”

“You’ll be okay though, right?” Evan asked. “You aren’t gonna faint or slip into a deep depression and climb a tree?”

“I'm _fine_ ,” Jared lied. “Don’t worry about me.”

Evan sighed, giving him the universal “I don’t believe you” look before sighing and unzipping the kit and pulling out the box of cotton pads and comparing two sizes before going with the bigger one.

“Please don’t freak out,” Evan said.

“I’m always freaking out. Just sometimes more than others. At this point freaking out is my okay.”

“Okay, mood,” Evan said, pausing his unwrapping of the gauze to smile at him.

There was a lot of blood. More blood than Jared had seen in one place since… a while ago. Last April, probably. He had to shift his eyes to Evan’s knees (which were, for the record, just as perfect as every other inch of him) and take a breath before going back to making sure Evan wouldn’t mess up. And that his fingers were still really gorgeous. Even though this really horrible timing to for thoughts of Evan’s hands to surface.

He finished wrapping the cuts and sighed, tossing the wrapper at the trash can and (amazingly) getting it in.

“Evan: 1, trash can: 0,” Evan joked. Jared laughed.

“I’m sorry,” said Evan.

“You don't need to be.”

Evan just shrugged. “Anyway. I'm in the mood to love and appreciate a bro.”

“Funny, ‘cause so am I.”

“The only class I want to go to tomorrow is ‘Loving And Appreciating Jared Kleinman' class. Oh, wait. I’ve already aced that.”

“Aww,” said Jared, only mostly kidding. “I graduated ‘Loving And Appreciating Evan Hansen’ class a long time ago. See, the test was to list all your best qualities, and we had five hundred sheets of paper, and after I’d used them all I realized I'd broken my wrist from writing too fast.”

“I thought it was from jerking off too much.”

Jared tried and failed to stutter out a response, laughing.

“Just showing you how it feels,” Evan grinned.

“Are you seriously holding me accountable for that? It’s been over two years, Hansen!”

“Your reaction was so funny, though. I'll start doing it more often. Kleinman.”

Jared stuck his tongue out and Evan said, “I swear to God I will bite it off someday.”

“You better not.”

“Oh, you’re so cute,” said Evan, and Jared was too busy fighting down his blush to come up with a response.

“I-it's late,” said Jared.

“You could have a good twelve rounds of sex before you absolutely _had_ to go to sleep,” said Evan.

“How… how fast have your hookups been _going_?” 

“I said _you_ , not me,” Evan grinned.

“I wish I didn't enjoy getting dragged by you,” said Jared mournfully, suppressing a smile.

“Kinky. But you're right. We should go to sleep.”

“You can stay over,” Jared said, because Evan had that look on his face that meant he knew he needed to say something but he didn’t want to say it.

“Are you sure?” He asked.

“Of course.”

_It's like a bad fanfic on Wattpad_ , he thought upon realising he only had one bed. “So, big spoon or little spoon?”

Evan blinked several times. “Um, big spoon? I'm over a foot taller than you.”

“Fine,” said Jared, crossing his arms. “Use my height to benefit me, see if I care.”

Evan shot him finger guns and Jared slipped his headphones off from around his neck, tossing them on his desk before flopping on his bed with all the gracefulness of a whale on crack.

“Hey, Evan,” he said as the other boy got into the bed much more carefully. “Did you know that the average blue whale’s dick is eight feet long?”

“Why the fuck do you know that?”

“I read a lot,” Jared said, and winked.

“I don’t think I want to know what you've been reading.” Evan shook his head and adjusted his body, lying on one of his arms and using it as an extra pillow while the other one he kept at his side, obviously scared to brush against Jared, and the space felt so much bigger than it should have.

Jared turned so he was facing Evan.

“You’re thinking,” Evan said immediately.

“Yeah, most people do at some point.”

“About?”

“How I value you as a friend and a person in general and how many people would miss you if you were gone.”

“God,” Evan said, “don’t ease into it next time.”

Jared smiled a little, then said, “Seriously though, I’d miss you so much.”

“Gay,” said Evan. “Everything was a lot in that moment. It wasn’t… premeditated or anything. And if someone gave me a button right now that would erase me, I wouldn’t press it. Probably.”

“Probably _not_ dying is better than probably dying,” Jared said. “I'm glad you're here.”

“Thanks,” mumbled Evan. He reached up and pulled off Jared’s glasses. “Don’t sleep in those. They’ll break.”

Jared smiled at him. The domesticity crushed his heart into a million pieces.

He sat up and reached to the end of the bed to hit the light switch, lying down next to Evan as the lights flickered off.

“G’night,” he said, but he made no move to turn away from Evan.

The other boy's eyes fluttered closed and Jared sighed, finally turning away from Evan.

“Oh, damn, I forgot to tell you,” Evan whispered. “I might move around in my sleep. If I’m bothering you, just hit me.”

“It’s fine,” Jared said. “I do too.”

“Good night,” Evan mumbled, and Jared could feel his breath on the back of his neck and shivered, just a little.

“Good night.”

Jared sighed and wrapped his right arm around himself, trying not to think too much about Evan or how close he was to Jared. Tantalizingly, achingly close.

_Jared, don’t think about it_.

He buried himself deeper into his pillow and Evan shifted, just slightly, and then he shifted again. Jared was hyper aware of the fact that his back was now touching Evan’s chest and —

_Holy fuck_

Evan had put an arm over Jared, holding him closer, and Jared had no way of knowing if he was awake or not.

He slid closer, near-perceptibly, until the two of them were curled up against each other.

Maybe it was selfish of him. But he could be selfish for one night. He could slide closer to Evan for one night. He could pretend he was okay for one night.

He could fall asleep in Evan’s arms for one night.

But come morning he would let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I sweAR TO GOD THIS WAS GOING TO BE A HAPPY CHAPTER AND THEN MY SHIT BRAIN WAS LIKE “HEY U KNOW WHAT’S EVEN BETTER?? SUFFERING” sO I GUESS WE’RE GOING WITH THAT!


	7. good morning Jared’s gay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> maybe it’s gay, maybe it’s maybelline

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is really gay
> 
> tw: mentions of suicide, self harm, and bulimia

_Set my heart aflame, every part aflame - helpless // hamilton_

* * *

Jared was awoken by the sound of Zoe Murphy’s voice and immediately began planning her murder.

“RISE AND SHINE, HOMOS,” Zoe sang out.

“What the fuck?!” He grumbled.

“Good question,” Evan said, and he seemed to realize that he was curled up right against Jared because he sprung back a second later.

“Fun night?” Zoe asked, and Jared could hear the wink.

“Not really,” he grumbled.

“Oh,” said Zoe. “Sorry. It’s a new day, though, you guys! Good morning to my favourite bi and my second-favourite gay!”

“If you want me to be your girlfriend just ask,” Jared quipped. He felt the bed rise and knew Evan had stood up. 

“Why are you here at — nine in the morning?” Evan asked.

“Alana and I texted you like twenty times to ask if you wanted to go to the movies today and see Star Wars.”

“My phone’s on mute, how would we know?” Jared grumbled.

“Sure, but why’d you have to wake us up?” Evan asked.

“Because the eleven-thirty showing is cheaper, that’s why. You guys in?”

“If Evan’s in, I’m in,” Jared said.

“Evan’s in,” Evan said.

“Sounds good,” said Zoe. 

Evan grabbed his phone and Jared’s phone lit up a second later with a “we’re in” text from Evan, and then another, “alana imma kill ur gf.”

With the second text came _the loudest fucking text tone on his phone_.

“Your phone’s on mute,” Zoe repeated flatly, smirking.

“No, I — I — It’s on mute — I have the thing — It’s — It’s set so E-Evan’s texts — so Evan’s texts are louder—!” He protested, his heart rate spiking. “And they r-ring if he texts twice — e-even — even if ‘don’t disturb’ is on—!”

Zoe laughed. “No, it’s fine, it’s just your stuttering is really funny,” she grinned, not unkindly.

“Hey—!”

“You have my texts on ‘emergency bypass?’” Evan asked, sounding touched. 

Jared stuttered out something that wasn’t really an answer or probably even vaguely resembling a word.

“I'm going to let you do your weird gay bonding ritual thing,” Zoe said. “Meet me and Alana there at eleven-fifteen _at the latest_ or I’ll slap Jared.”

“Why me?!”

“Because Evan’s actually nice.”

With that, Zoe turned on her heel and closed the door. 

“Well,” said Jared.

“You… have me on emergency bypass.”

“I don’t know what that means? But probably, yeah.”

“It’s the thing,” said Evan, gesturing lamely to Jared’s phone.

“Oh,” said Jared.

The awkwardness was palpable.

“Why?” Evan asked, and the word came out breathlessly, almost whispered.

“In… In case you needed me? Like last night?” Jared swung his legs back and forth, staring intently at the blankets.

“That’s… actually really sweet,” Evan said.

Jared tried and failed to not blush. “Can we go back to sleep now?”

“No, we’re doing a ‘weird gay bonding ritual.’” Evan laughed and Jared did too. “But I guess we can lie down. As long as you don’t fall asleep. Zoe would kill you.”

Jared laughed. “No, that’s true. Okay, c’mere.” He flopped onto the bed and Evan followed a second later, propping his head up on a fist and looking down at Jared.

Evan bit his lip, then. “Why did you do it?”

“Relapsing?”

Evan nodded.

“I was pissed at myself for having emotions so I decided to have Oreos. And then I… ate the whole box,” he admitted.

“What emotions?”

Jared turned red. “I might have fallen for someone but it’s okay I — it’s fine — verbal key-smash.”

“Did you just say ‘verbal key-smash?’”

“Yep.”

Evan laughed. “Wow, okay, I’m fake dating the biggest nerd in the universe.”

“That’s you,” Jared shot back without hesitation.

“Oh, _ouch_.”

“It’s true,” Jared said cheekily.

“Say that one more time, young man, you’ll be in big trouble.”

_Oh,_ don’t _say that_.

“Oh yeah? Nerd.”

“I’m not letting you braid my hair anymore.”

Jared mock-gasped. “No. Anything but that, _please_.”

Evan laughed, breaking character. “It’s fine. You can still braid my hair. As long as you know I am _not_ a nerd.”

“You are, but okay.”

Evan huffed. “Can I braid your hair?”

“Hell yeah,” said Jared, only realising after he said it how much physical contact it would require.

“M’kay,” Evan said, and he sat up, and Jared did too, turning towards Evan so he could braid the front. His hair was, objectively, too short to be braided, but he was scheduled for a haircut in a week and as any sixth grade boy can tell you, you only live once, right?

Evan took a lock from the front of his face and started braiding. God, he was so close — if he really wanted to, Jared could kiss him.

He really wanted to.

But he wouldn’t.

Besides. That would ruin the moment and Jared really, really liked watching Evan when he was focused on something, and he wasn’t at all complaining when Evan tugged his hair.

He wondered how many animals he’d need to sacrifice to the No Homo gods to make up for that thought.

“Shit, I don't have a hair-tie,” Evan said.

“Damn it, neither do I,” Jared said.

Evan let the tiny braid fall and Jared tucked it behind his ear. “What time is it?”

Evan checked his phone. “ten-twenty-four.”

“We should probably get going so Alana doesn’t kill us.”

“Does it really take an hour to get there?”

“We gotta be there by eleven fifteen, remember?”

“Ah, right,” said Evan.

“Oh fuck,” Jared said. “You don’t have any of your stuff with you — no, you know what? Just borrow some of my clothes.”

“You sure?" Evan asked.

“Yeah, it's fine,” said Jared, although he was already low-key having a heart attack over the mental image of Evan in his clothes. “I buy a size up so hopefully things will fit.”

“They might fit, but will I look like a tacky lesbian?”

“You already do, honey,” Jared joked.

“Harsh,” Evan commented, but he was grinning.

Jared bounced up and dug through his dresser, pulling out a darkish orange-red tank top and the largest pair of jeans he had.

“Here, hopefully that fits,” he said.

He still hadn’t figured out how/where/when they were going to be changing but _whatever_. It didn’t matter.

For himself he grabbed ripped black jeans and a white tank top, and his lightest flannel to put on over that. He pulled his favourite red Converse out of the closet too.

“Your shoes are gay," Evan said.

“Yeah, they just came out of the closet.”

“I was gonna say because they’re Converse,” said Evan.

“You right, you right,” Jared said.

“So how are we gonna do this?” Evan asked.

Jared finger-gunned at him. “Not sure yet.”

“I won’t look if you don’t,” Evan said, but it was more of a question.

“Okay," said Jared.

He pulled on his clothes in a daze: his entire mind was screaming _Don’t look, don’t look, don’t look, don’t think about Evan, don’t think about Evan and the fact that he’s probably changing right now, don’t think about him or his body or how you could just turn around right now for just a second and he wouldn’t know, don’t look…_

He tugged on his flannel and pushed his arms into the sleeves. Which he had to turn his head slightly to do. Not intentionally. Who in the _world_ would do something like _that_? Not him, not the insanely gay Jared Kleinman, nope. 

Evan’s back was tan and freckled and muscular and oh _god_ maybe it was a mistake to accidentally look. He wanted to kiss the life out of this boy.

He bent down to tie his shoes and stop _fucking_ thinking about Evan Benjamin Michael Hansen.

“You ready?” Evan asked.

“Yeah,” he said, tying his second shoe and turning around and oh, he was _fucked_ , he was _so_ fucked, he was _so so so fucked_.

Evan. Was. Gorgeous.

The shirt only emphasized his muscles and the contrast from his normal blue was absolutely stunning. The jeans fit him and hung off his hips in a way that just really tempted Jared to get down on his knees and pull them off. He was wearing those stupid fucking shoes and all Jared really wanted was to go over there and kiss him.

He took a deep breath.

Evan ran his fingers through his hair.

_Fuck_.

“Do I look okay?” He asked and Jared wanted to tell him _just how_ okay _he looked_ , but instead he just said, “Yeah,” because he didn’t trust himself to speak.

“Thanks,” he said, and then, “you look good. Nice.”

“Thanks,” Jared echoed, and _oh god now things were awkward_ —

“I’m just gonna go to the bathroom,” said Evan.

“If you see two guys in there making out it’s probably Michael and Rich. Just ignore it,” Jared advised.

Evan laughed. “Noted.”

The second he’d left the room Jared let out a frustrated groan and collapsed on his bed. This was _not_ okay. This was not at all acceptable. _What dumbass let Evan wear my clothes? Oh wait, fuck, that was me_. 

He grabbed his headphones and hit play on Helpless from the Hamilton soundtrack and grinned as the first notes of the song began. 

And then groaned as he remembered his best friend was unfairly attractive and he couldn’t do anything about it.

Because what could he do? Make Evan wear a paper bag over his head? Somehow he didn't think that would go over well.

There was only one thing left to do.

He texted Alana.

 

**[Monday 20 May 10:29]**

**Chat: COOL and 500 bees in a trenchcoat**

**COOL:** alana idk whta to do he’s so cute pelase help

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Hahaha ur fucked dude

**COOL:** no I mean he's really fucking cute today

**COOL:** hE’S WEARING MY CLOTHES ALANA

**COOL:** WHAT I WANNA DO IS THROW CONDOMS AT HIM TILL HE GETS THE IDEA BUT I MEAN THATS NOT CONSIDERED SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR APPARENTLY

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Ok first of all stop panicking

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Secondly you're so fucked my guy

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Whats he wearing

**COOL:** oh my god okay so he’s got this tank top. it’s orange. it’s mine. he slept over and didn't bring clothes cause it wasn't planned right. and it shows off his muscles and it looks rEALLY REALLY HOT ALANA IM FUCKED and he’s got my jeans on????????and it’s so hot?????? alana I'm dying I am DYING, also fuckign he has nice hair okay like it’s rly cute HELP I GAY

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Hfskgdfjgvfdgv

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** See I asked partially just to see your response but also to see if it was something a Normal Person would freak out over… and it’s really not kjsdfhcksfcs

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** You, my guy, are in some deep shit

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Oh also!!!

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Last night apparently evan texted me like “hey you're amazing I'm so glad we’re friends” etc etc etc which ok I love him but ?????? It’s kinda odd for him to do that??????

**COOL:** oh I know why but,,,, it’s not rly my place to say,,, bUT he’s ok now??? 

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Thanks lmao I was a little bit worried kjhgjdskjhf

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Back to ur gay crisis

**COOL:** he’s cOMING BACK GTG

 

He’d heard Evan's footsteps as the song faded out and shoved his headphones down to his neck.

Evan… still looked amazing.

_Shit_.

It was _not_ going to be an easy car ride.


	8. heartbeat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared William Kleinman whom? I only know Jared Gay and Sexually Frustrated Kleinman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ME? USING LYRICS FROM JARED’S CUT SOLO IN A FANFIC? YEP!
> 
> tw: a little bit of homophobia

 

Lyric: _I know you know that I like you / but that’s not enough / so if you would / please fall in love / I think it’s only fair / there’s gotta be some butterflies somewhere, / wanna share? — Would you be so kind // Dodie_

* * *

About halfway through the peaceful drive (if watching Evan drive and going _batshit fucking crazy_ trying not to think about how goddamn hot he looked could be considered _peaceful_ ) he received a text from Zoe.

 

**[Monday 20 May 10:56]**

**Chat: two gays, a bi, and a pan walk into a gc**

**Denim stars:** yo uhhh apparently kaylin told the entire fuckin’ school about jared and evan while we weren’t listening and Alex and her gang are here so be prepared to act gay  
**Denim stars:** not that u aren't already ♡  
**COOL:** shit ok thanks

 

He relayed the message to Evan, who groaned. “Goddamnit, Kaylin.”

“You had one job, Kaylin,” Jared added.

“THERE WERE RAPTORS ALL UP IN THE GODDAMN KITCHEN!”

“THIS WASN’T AMATEUR HOUR!”

The two of the found themselves in peals of laugher a few seconds later, Evan leaning back in his seat and hitting the gas pedal, and Jared found his breath stolen from his lungs.

Evan grinned at him and Jared checked the speedometer. They were going seventy in a forty-five mph zone.

“Nice,” he said.

“Mhm,” Evan said, and Jared tried to burn the image of Evan in his clothes with that carefree smile on his face into his memory forever. Because _holy fuck_. Evan’s — or, well, _Jared’s_ — tank top was slipping off one shoulder a little and showing a slight tan line. It was a little short on him and when he stretched, Jared could see the soft skin of his stomach. The jeans Jared had lent him were tight on him — it’s what happens when you borrow clothes from someone a foot shorter than you — and Jared was ready to have a homosexual heart attack and keel over dead right there in the car.

They were there ten minutes later. Alana and Zoe were already there, sitting at a table on the side of the open room.

“We bought your tickets,” said Zoe. “Now be gay. Alex is right there.”

Jared and Evan both turned to see Alex, Jordyn, Amelia, Mikayla, Sami, and four or five other girls who hung out with Kaylin standing there, half of them looking towards Evan and Jared.

Jared grinned up at Evan and grabbed both his hands. “We’re saying very gay things to each other,” he mumbled. Evan glanced over his shoulder and back to Jared. “They’re all watching us,” Evan informed him.

“Kiss, kiss, kiss,” Alana chanted from behind them.

“Alana’s a third grader,” Jared said. But he stood on his toes and pressed a kiss to Evan’s lips, heart racing so fast he thought it might beat straight out of his chest.

Gay out of his chest. Nothing about him was straight.

“They’re still looking,” Evan said after a second as Jared rocked back onto his heels. “No, wait, I'm putting you on the table.”

“You’re _what_?”

Evan grinned at him and picked him up, placing him on the table and kissing him again.

He’d never been kissed this many times by the same guy before. It was… a lot. Especially because it was _Evan_ and he was _wearing Jared’s clothes_ and he really couldn’t get over that and _oh fuck Jared no don’t react pretend you don’t care, fuck_ —

He pulled Evan closer to him and the boy was a surprisingly good kisser, using just the right amount of tongue. He tasted like mint today. Jared hoped his breath tasted okay — he hadn’t even thought of that, shit.

He thought he might spontaneously combust when one of Evan’s hands slid from his hips, where it had been, to his thigh, and the other boy _kept kissing him_. How was he keeping calm?! Jared was about to moan and embarrass himself and have to move to California and change his name.

He shivered and tried to pretend he hadn’t, pulling Evan closer by his shirt instead, every noise in the room a reminder that this was all fake, but _oh god_ even if his heart had almost gotten the message his body sure hadn’t. When he rested a hand against Evan’s chest, the other boy gasped, just a little, but enough to make Jared’s heart triple its speed.

He pulled away and smiled sappily at Evan, who smiled sappily back at him with cheeks so red Jared thought he might be on fire. His were probably the same colour, though; he couldn’t judge.

“They’re still watching,” he said incredulously.

“That’s enough making out,” Alana said, grabbing Jared by the back of his shirt. “Find some other disgustingly gay thing to do.”

“The only disgusting thing is heterosexuality,” said Zoe.

“You’re so right,” Alana said.

Evan grinned at them and hopped up on the table next to Jared, and was soon joined by the girls.

“Should we go in?” Jared asked.

“No, you need to get food,” said Zoe. “You gotta hold hands and argue over money and be a gross annoying couple.”

“Who's paying?” Evan asked.

“I will.”

“No, I am.”

“Why’d you even ask?”

“Politeness.”

“I'm paying.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yeah I—”

“Boys, please,” said Alana. “I meant argue _within earshot of our classmates_. And Evan pays this time, Jared pays next time. Okay?”

Jared sighed. “Okay.”

“Okay!” Evan flung an arm over Jared’s shoulder and jumped off the table. Jared slid down and grabbed Evan’s arm, pulling it off his shoulder and holding it as tightly as possible. He glanced over to the girls, who were _all still fucking watching_ , and one even had her phone out, probably recording. He heard Sami say “it’s like yaoi in real life” and gritted his teeth, shoving his hands in his pockets to avoid punching a bitch.

“They’re so nosy,” he hissed before putting on his fake smile and sauntering up to the counter.

“What can I get you today?” The lady at the counter asked, smiling.

“Can we get a large popcorn and two Mountain Dews?” Jared asked, knowing that although Evan’s social anxiety was getting better, he still wasn’t comfortable ordering food.

“Coming right up!” The lady said, then leaned over the counter and smiled. Her name tag said Chloe V. “My girlfriend and I think you’re really cute together, by the way.”

Evan ducked his head, smiling, and Jared grinned. “Thank you,” he said.

_I FOUND A GAY! IN PUBLIC! A GAY! I’M QUEER AND SHE’S QUEER! WE AREN’T STRAIGHT_!

Chloe came back with their popcorn and drinks and Jared disentangled his hand from Evan’s to grab the popcorn.

“Thank you,” he smiled, taking the change she handed him back.

“You’re welcome. Have a nice day!”

“You too!” Jared beamed, a sentiment echoed by Evan.

The two of them sauntered back and Jared grinned, bouncing on his toes. “She’s gay too!”

“That’s really statistically unlikely,” said Alana thoughtfully, but she was grinning. “Awesome!”

“Nerd,” said Zoe.

“I know,” Alana said.

“You two are sickening,” Jared said.

“At least we didn't make out on a table in public for like ten minutes,” Alana shot back.

Jared blushed. “That’s different, and you know it!”

She snickered. “Let’s go watch the movie.”

“Hang on,” said Evan, who had gotten sucked into his phone. “I'm telling my mom about me and Jared.”

“The truth?” Zoe asked.

“Nope. You two are the only ones that know,” Evan said, nose buried in his phone. "Jared, proof this, my hands are shaking.”

Jared took the phone from him, leaning against his shoulder.

 

**[Monday 20 May 11:14]**

**Chat: Ev and mom**

**Mom:** how have you and Jared been doing? I haven’t heard you talk about him in a while!

**[draft] Ev:** It’s a ffunny story actually because we’re dating now :) I was really nervous to tell you

 

Jared bit his lip and edited it. “This good?”

 

**[draft] Ev:** It’s a funny story actually, I’ve been a little nervous to tell you but we’re dating now :) [me_and_jared.jpg]

 

“How’d you get that picture?” Evan asked, clicking send.

“Magic,” Jared said.

“And with that, children, we go in!” Alana proclaimed.

 

+++

 

Alex’s gang was going to the same movie as them, _of_ fucking _course_ , so Jared had to keep his real gayness on the DL and his fake gayness all the way out there for the entire theatre.

It was hiding the real thing inside of the real thing. It was a real diamond inside of a fake diamond; it was reality hidden in a fictional, distorted view of itself. It was an inception of love, rather than dreams. It was some kind of hellish parallax he’d created for himself.

Evan grabbed his hand at one point and Jared felt himself melting.

Jared? Gay? Yep!

When Evan’s thigh pressed against his own and Evan didn’t move it he thought he might collapse in a puddle of gayness and sexual frustration.

That could be his middle name. _Jared William Kleinman_ whom _? I only know Jared Gay and Sexually Frustrated Kleinman_.

His phone buzzed with a text — he'd silenced it but left vibrate on just in case.

 

**[Monday 20 May 12:31]**

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Gay

**COOL:** u know what fucl u

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** “Fucl"

**COOL:** off yo phone we’re in a theatre

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Just had to point out that you’re gay

**COOL:** actually i'm changing my middle name to “gay and sexually frustrated” jsyk

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** What is it rn

**COOL:** William

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** “gay and sexually frustrated” is cooler

**COOL:** whats urs

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Kristolyn

**COOL:** thats pretty 

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Thanks I chose it myself

**COOL:** 10/10 good trans joke

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Thank u

**COOL:** now get off ur goddamn phone  ♡

 

He was about to take his own advice when his lit up again.

 

**Acorn:** my mom said “aww, about time. tell him i said hi” kjsfhxlkjdhdjhaskjdhkjshdsajhd

**COOL:** jhsdfskjhzfkjdshzjfhsdajd

 

Jared leaned back in his seat and kicked his legs up, accepting his upcoming death of overwhelming homosexuality as a fact and turning back to the screen.

 

+++

 

“Stormpilot should have been canon,” Evan said, shoving open the movie theatre door.

“When he says those five words that make your heart melt,” Jared quipped.

“No, those are ‘dude, let’s go watch Moana.’”

“That too,” he admitted, grinning.

“No, but really, there’s no heterosexual explanation for all that,” Alana said.

“Honestly? True. I feel like we got to know Poe more in this one and really, him and Finn? Yes, good. Also, Rose isn’t fucking valid anymore. Like, I love her, but it’d been, like, sixteen hours,” said Zoe. She glanced over to the counter. “Which one’s gay?”

“Chloe. She’s white with brown hair and she’s got a pink shirt,” Jared said.

“Oh, I see her,” said Zoe, grabbing Alana’s hand and running off.

“Are they asking for a foursome?” Jared asked.

“I think they’re asking for drinks,” Evan said pointedly as Chloe handed them two Gatorades.

Jared huffed and turned towards the two girls.

“She’s a lesbian, her girlfriends’ names are Brooke and Jenna, Brooke’s the one who works here, and she has three dogs,” Zoe said. 

“Alex is here,” Alana said. “Act gay.”

Jared knit his fingers in Evan’s. “Or should we make out again?”

“Are the only two options for you hand-holding and making out?” Alana asked.

“There’s also fucking but that’s looked down upon in public spaces.”

Evan snorted. “Wonder why.”

“No one can handle all _this_.” Jared gestured to himself with a swoop of his hand.

“Literally _anyone_ can handle you. You’re tiny,” Evan said.

Jared flipped him the middle finger. Evan kissed his forehead. 

“Aw, how sweet," Zoe said, her voice overly high pitched and sugary.

“What time is it?” Alana asked. 

“Showtime,” Jared said, quoting Hamilton. “It’s gotta be close to midnight,” Evan added, quoting RENT. 

“It’s two,” said Zoe.

“The lunchroom closes at three,” Alana said. “And we get free food there.”

“Let’s fucking _go_ ,” Jared said.

 

+++

 

“Alana, please, we all know you speak four different languages,” Jared huffed as Alana rambled on in German, eyes trained on a textbook.

“Shut up,” she mumbled before going back to her monologue.

“This is what I get for dating a huge fucking nerd,” Zoe said, but she was smiling and had an arm around her girlfriend. “Be gayer, Kaylin’s gotta get the clue.”

“Jesus Christ,” Evan mumbled, but he didn't sound mad. He grabbed both Jared’s hands and pulled him up, then tugged him onto his lap.

If it was possible to die from being overly gay, Jared would have dropped dead on the spot.

He leaned back, resting the back of his head on Evan’s shoulder, and rolled his eyes at Alana when she winked at him. Evan wrapped his arms around Jared’s stomach.

“Gay enough?” Evan asked.

“Wonderful,” Zoe said. “You still need a bunch of pride stuff — I’m just glad the school actually fucking enforces the anti-discrimination rules.”

“True, true,” Jared said. “I’d probably be dead by now at any other school.”

“Not to be depressing,” Evan said.

“Yeah, no, _depressing_ would be much worse.”

“Don’t enlighten us.”

Jared snorted. “See, first—”

“Nope,” Evan said, grabbing his hand, which was in the middle of gesticulating wildly.

“I’m proud of you,” Alana said suddenly.

“What?” Jared asked.

“For staying calm in the face of your hand kink.”

“Oh, shut the _fuck_ up,” Jared laughed. “I do not have a hand kink.”

Alana grabbed her phone and cleared her throat. “‘His fingers a—‘”

“I SAID THESE THINGS IN CONFIDENCE,” Jared shouted, knowing exactly what was coming next.

Alana laughed. “I wouldn't _actually_ read it. Only enough to get Zoe and Evan really curious so you have to explain it yourself.”

“You know what, fuck you,” Jared said, trying to ignore the hands that were currently touching his waist and his hand and the person they belonged to.

“It worked, I’m really curious,” Zoe said.

“I also would really like to know,” Evan said. “We’ve been hearing so much about this hand kink of yours with no context.”

“I _may_ have said something. _One thing._ And Alana refuses to leave me alone about it.”

“What was it?” Zoe asked, blowing indigo hairs out of her face.

“I—” it was all he managed to squeak out before he noticed Alana pointing her phone at him.

“I gotta get this. Your face is _inhumanly_ red.”

“I was just… suggesting… _implying_ … a place I would… appreciate… this person’s hands… to be placed…” he choked out. “I want to die. Evan, fucking kill me. Punch me in the neck.”

“Why can’t _I_ do it?” Alana asked as Zoe and Evan attempted to breathe through their laughter.

“Because I don’t want to give you the satisfaction.”

“Understandable, continue.”

Zoe slammed her face into the table, shoulders shaking. “I gotta… I gotta see this. _Please_ just let me read the text.”

Jared leaned back into Evan’s chest, laughing despite himself. He took a deep breath and said, “Alana, do you have the screenshots?”

“Of course I do,” she said, grabbing her phone and scrolling.

“But no pictures and _no sharing_ of any kind. ‘Cause once that shit gets tweeted, it _never_ gets deleted — like, to escape the embarrassment you gotta kill yourself or change your name.”

“He’s not wrong,” Evan said. Jared knew he was thinking of his letter. 

(When Jared had first read it he cried. Flat out fucking sobbed. He hadn’t known how much Evan was hurting.)

“Can I show them now?” Alana asked.

“What-fucking-ever,” Jared said.

 

**COOL:** i cld talk about his hands forever so i'll keep this short but whOAH WOW they're so?????????? I don't even know just his fingers are so long and perfect and I want them around m

**COOL:** anyway

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** ORSDHFVKDFHGUVYDFGXCJGVJHSDKFJHCJKJ

**COOL:** anyway

 

Evan and Zoe collapsed in hysterics. Jared covered his face with his hands as Alana cackled.

“ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!" He practically shrieked.

“Incredibly,” Evan choked out.

“Thank you so much,” Zoe wheezed.

“You’re so welcome,” he said, defeated. “Now can we stop talking about this? For, uh, forever?”

“Never,” said Alana.

 

**[Monday 20 May 14:52]**

**Chat: two gays, a bi, and a pan walk into a gc**

**Acorn has changed the chat name to “jared’s hand kink”**

**COOL:** mean :(


	9. in which Jared goes to Denny’s

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Jared go out to denny’s and it’s really gay but they prayed to the no homo gods so it doesn't count

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of the chapter is rated R or M or E or whatever idk don't @ me
> 
> yes roger and mark as in the guys from RENT krehfkjhsjdfclkjsd also they're visiting joanne and maureen ur welcome
> 
> Also yes Natalie like from n2n
> 
> and yes the boys from bmc. they’re in a poly relationship and i lvoe them.
> 
> tw: internalized homophobia, brief mention of past self harm, panic attacks, skin picking, suicide ideation, past suicide attempt, flashbacks

 

_If I told you what I was, would you turn your back on me? And if I seemed dangerous, would you be scared? - Monster // Imagine Dragons_

* * *

He was awoken by a pillow to his face.

“What the fuck?” He grumbled — it was becoming the question he asked every morning — and sitting up, and there was Evan, looking like some kind of gorgeous Greek god.

“Hey, asshole, we’re going to Denny’s,” he said.

Jared blinked several times, glancing out the window — it was still dark out — and then glancing at the clock. “It’s four in the goddamn morning,” he said.

“We’re going to Denny’s,” Evan said, sounding a little more determined, and it was enough to get Jared up out of bed.

“Okay, fine.”

“Yeah!” Evan pumped a fist in the air. Jared smiled fondly. He was so adorable.

He was looking especially cute today, in black skinny jeans — Evan owned black skinny jeans? — and a light blue button down shirt that was just a little too big for him.

Jared grabbed the clothes he’d worn yesterday and threw the shirt at Evan. “I'm taking a shower first, though.”

“Fine,” said Evan. “But make it quick. I really want pancakes.”

“Anything for you, my dear,” Jared quipped, grabbing a t-shirt and a towel from his closet. “I'll be back in like fifteen minutes.”

“Don’t know what I’ll do without you,” Evan said sardonically, already pulling out his phone. Jared rolled his eyes affectionately and blew him a kiss as he closed the door.

He threw his towel over one shoulder and shirt over the other. It was really early — no one else would be up. Jake, Michael, Jeremy, and Rich always slept in — probably because they’d been fucking all night — and Roger and Mark had gone out to visit a friend or something and wouldn’t be back for a week.

Jared took the biggest shower and slammed the door, dropping his clothes on the ground and grabbing his shampoo, conditioner, and soap.

_And now it’s time for existential dread and self hatred with a side of jerking off, crying, or both! Now on a two-for-one sale!_

He leant against the shower wall and tried not to think about Evan. Which was very difficult when he’d woken up with a hard-on and a very cute boy in his room.

Showering. Yes, right, showering. Not thinking about Evan. He was thinking about the shower. Thinking about Evan in the shower with him.

Jesus _Christ_ he was pathetic.

But he hadn’t jerked off in like a week and Evan was all he could think about so finally he gave in, stroking his dick the way he wished Evan would.

And god, Evan’s lips on his neck, Evan’s hands on his thigh, the way he’d kissed him on the table at the movie theatre — he imagined it was Evan’s hands and not his own jerking him off, he imagined he could be anything but lonely, imagined that this could ever be real.

It was embarrassing, really, that he only lasted about three minutes.

And it took less than a tenth of that for the shame to sink in.

_Ah, and here comes the rest of my showering ritual: the self hatred_.

He’d been raised by two conservative Jewish parents, his dad more so than his mom, both nearly unbearable. He didn’t talk to his dad anymore, as the man was violently homophobic. He made it clear that a gay son was not welcome in his household. He made sure Jared knew everything he did wrong. Not that he ever bothered to even pretend he didn’t do those things too. He also believed in the KKK’s “right to free speech,” which baffled Jared: they were _Jewish_. His mom was a little better, though. She wouldn’t kick him out for being gay, but she made it clear she thought it was a choice and wouldn’t believe someone was gay until they slept with someone their gender. She was transphobic but not violently so.

Even if his mom had gotten a little better since he came out to her at seventeen, the messages she and his dad had implanted in his mind stayed.

_You’re dirty._

_You’re wrong._

_You’re a sinner._

_You’re going to hell._

_God doesn’t love you._

_You are a freak._

_You need therapy_.

He compensated with loud statements of pride and being the most flamboyant gay he could be. But there were moments like these when the light was gone and he found himself collapsed on the floor of another public shower with tears in his eyes.

He didn’t really believe in a God anymore, although he agreed with the teachings of Judaism and celebrated the traditional Jewish holidays. But in moments like these he wondered if maybe his parents were right — maybe he _was_ a freak — maybe he _was_ gross.

He sure _felt_ gross at that moment. No amount of soap could wash away the guilt he felt for being attracted to Evan.

Fuck. Evan. He’d probably been having a mental breakdown for enough time and would need to rush to get back in time. 

He rubbed shampoo in his hair as he glanced at the clock behind the curtain — 04:09. He had six minutes.

Three minutes later he was out of the shower standing between the door and the curtain, watching the clock while he tried to towel off quick enough to get back on time. He pulled on his jeans first — not an easy task considering how tight they were and the fact that he was still slightly wet from bathing — and then his socks and shoes, before toweling off his hair again and pulling a shirt on. He draped his flannel around his neck — Evan had seen his scars; and besides, he didn't want to try to pull the flannel over his arms yet.

He glanced at the clock — 04:14 — and darted out of the bathroom into his room just as the clock switched.

“Impressive,” said Evan, looking from him to the clock and back again.

“Yeah, no shit, considering I interrupted my daily emotional breakdown for you,” Jared said, toweling off his arms again and then pulling on the flannel.

“I'm bad with sarcasm.”

“No, dead-ass, I was in the middle of crying and realized I had like six minutes to get my ass back here.”

“Are you okay?”

“I've never been okay a day in my life,” he said, looking dramatically over the rim of his glasses. 

Evan snorted. “You look like a grandma.”

“Maybe I _am_ a grandma.”

“You are,” Evan said. “I can confirm. Now let’s go, lameass.”

“All right, dumbass,” Jared shot back, jumping up and swinging an arm over Evan’s shoulders. “Let’s go.”

When they got to the car Jared grabbed his phone and scrolled through his Spotify playlists, finally choosing “pining but it’s ironic” and hooking it up to the speakers.

“What are you doing…” Evan asked, but it was more of a resigned statement than a question.

Jared grinned as Evan turned on the car. He kicked his legs up on the dash and hit play on the first song on the playlist — _The Crush Song_.

“Oh my god,” Evan said.

“You’re fake dating a meme,” Jared informed him.

“I'm aware,” Evan said.

“This is a fucking _bop_ ," he continued. “The lyrical mastery, the obvious control of the English language — to be able to manipulate the meanings of words this way! — it’s an iconic song and I wish more people understood that.”

“Shut up. Wanna talk iconic bops, let’s talk about _Sk8er Boi_.”

“You're so right,” Jared said, hitting play on that song.

They reached Denny's just as the song ended and Evan slammed the brake so hard Jared feared for his life. 

“That’s for playing The Crush Song in my good Christian suburbs.”

“You’re Jewish.”

“That’s why it’s funny. Are we getting pancakes now or will I have to suffer forever?”

“We’re getting mother _fucking_ pancakes,” said Jared, slamming open his door and jumping out.

The hour they spent at Denny’s was one of the best in Jared’s life.

He was so happy.

Evan’s smile could cure a terminal disease, he was sure.

In those moments it was just the two of them. In those moments he was light and warm and everything was good.

Naturally the happiness had to come to an end.

It was the two of them, sitting across from each other in a booth in the corner of Denny’s, artificial light shining on their faces, the sunrise barely beginning, Evan laughing at a stupid joke Jared had just told.

One second he was okay, one second his heart was beating fast because of Evan, and the next it was beating _too_ fast.

And his vision was foggy — 

And his hearing was fuzzy —

And the scents were too much —

And everything touching him was not enough —

“Jared?” Evan asked.

He shrugged and hoped that got the point across because holy fuck he could not talk — it was too much.

“Aw, shit,” said Evan, and he swung around to Jared's side of the booth and sat by him with his back against the wall and Jared, Jared wanted to cry.

He did not deserve this man in his life.

He bounced his leg, trying to ground himself, but it did nothing.

“Is it okay if I touch you?” Evan whispered, and in any other situation Jared would have made a joke or at least winked but not now, not while everything was so inordinate and so dense and so overwhelming. 

So he just nodded and Evan put his arm around Jared’s shoulders and pulled him closer and Jared rocked back and forth a little before pulling his legs up onto the bench and hiding his face

_Because what the hell, why was this happening_

_Why did he have to ruin such a good thing_

_Why did he ruin everything_

_Why did he have to remember the hospital with its warm industrial lights and the church with the same lights and the same floors but still so fucking different_

_Why did he have to_

_be born_

_Why was he here why couldn’t he_

_just_

_fucking_

_die_

_Why did he have to fuck everything up_

 

_Ground yourself Jared ground yourself let someone in do something just don’t waste away — fragments of things Evan had said the first time Jared had an attack in front of him._

Evan’s other hand took one of his and he started rubbing circles into the back of it, and god this guy was brilliant — he focused in on Evan’s thumb pressing into his skin, the feeling of his hands, anything but his panic and the fear and the screaming that was in his mind —

_Let someone in —_

_Don’t just waste away —_

_Don’t leave —_

He took a breath and closed his eyes. Opened them again. 

He was too close to the edge of panic to speak — he wasn’t quite in the attack, he was in the weird grey stage where he wasn’t okay but not quite hyperventilating yet.

_Something real —_

He started picking at the skin around the thumbnail of his free hand with his pointer finger and the pain brought him back a little.

_What if he didn’t matter at all—_?

The screaming in his mind was so loud.

Evan's arm around him, one hand on Jared’s, the other running through his hair.

He took several deep breaths and leant against Evan’s chest, grabbing his Mountain Dew and sipping it.

_Let someone in_.

“I don’t know what started it,” he mumbled, but then reevaluated the event. “No, actually, I think it’s the lights.”

“The lights?” Evan asked, and from anyone else he’d think they were making fun of him, but Evan was genuinely curious, he could tell.

“Remember when I was in a wheelchair in sophomore year?”

“You mean when you wouldn’t stop making jokes about how your legs were broken from having too much sex, and how the only things you could really do were play Tetris and jerk off?”

“Yep," said Jared, and he laughed a little — he laughed. Evan was probably the only person in the world who could make him laugh when he was this upset. “God, good times. No, did I ever tell you how I actually broke my legs?”

“I don’t think so?” Evan said. “What happened?” Evan asked. He'd probably realized, at this point, that Jared was stalling.

“I jumped off a bridge,” he said, shrugging like it was no big deal.

“You — what?”

He shrugged again. “Yeah. I’d been struggling with being gay and just general depression shit and it got to be way too much.” Subconsciously, he rubbed his wrist, at the scars under the flannel.

Evan wrapped both arms around him and Jared realized he was practically in his lap. He wanted to move closer and melt into Evan’s touch, but he also wanted to move away so Evan wouldn't get the wrong idea, so Evan wouldn’t hate him. 

Before Evan could say anything he continued, “And when I was in the hospital it — it was so — I didn’t tell them, you know, that it was intentional — and then I overdosed on pain meds and I was back and they — they — I know they didn’t mean to, but they yelled at me so much and — Jesus Christ. My parents were so pissed — and they made me go to our church and get prayed over or whatever the fuck — and I just remember them being so close to me? And it had the same lights as the hospital, and I don’t know… it brought — all the feelings from them? It’s not as bad but they're there and I — I’m sorry — I fucked up — I fucked this up and everything else too —” he collapsed into Evan’s chest and closed his eyes. “And I'm going to keep fucking everything up and I’ll have no one left and—”

“Hey,” Evan mumbled, moving one arm from around Jared's stomach to his shoulder, effectively keeping him close, and Jared’s heart ached. _This is what I'm talking about_. “Even if everyone else leaves you, I won’t.”

“And that would be enough,” Jared whispered. “But I’ll lose you too. If you knew how — what a horrible person I can be — if you knew how — gross — if you knew what a monster I — I am — there's a reason no one talks to me.” His voice broke and he tried to ignore the tears building behind his eyes and spilling down his cheeks. “I'm not someone who can be loved, okay? And everyone’s gonna leave me someday — once they see me — they’ll hate me just as much as I hate myself.”

Evan was quiet for a second, before: “Jared, I’m friends with you because I _like_ you. You’re funny, and sweet, and smart, and you make Hamilton references even when you’re having a breakdown. And I — I don’t know who told you, who made you think you weren’t enough. But I swear to God I’ll hurt them. You’re amazing, you know that, right? And I won’t leave you.”

_You will, once you know how I feel about you_. _If you ever find out how I've thought of you_.

“Okay,” he mumbled.

Evan didn’t buy it. “What are you thinking?”

“I don’t deserve someone like you,” he whispered. 

“That’s where you’re wrong, kiddo.”

Jared snorted at the meme reference. “See, I feel happier now, but I know it won’t last,” he said.

“I hope one day it will,” said Evan, and he sounded so sincere that Jared’s heart shattered again.

And if he hadn't been in love with Evan this would be when he got up and tried to either communicate or go back to joking around.

But Jared was selfish. Jared was selfish and he didn’t want to get out of Evan’s lap quite yet. 

“Thanks,” he mumbled.

"Hey, tilt your head up a little,” said Evan. Confused, he did so. 

And then Evan was leaning over him and brushing a kiss to his forehead, so light he barely felt it.

_Breathing? What's that? Is it necessary or can I go without it for a little longer?_

“Gay,” Jared murmured.

“This is bi erasure,” Evan said. “Wait, fuck, I forgot to say no homo.”

“You gotta sacrifice a virgin to the No Homo gods now,” Jared told him.

“Isn't the whole premise of virgin sacrifice and virginity in general really misogynistic and heteronormative?” Evan asked.

“I mean, yes, but it’s —” Jared checked his watch “—five-twenty in the morning, it’s way too god damn early.”

“It’s never too early to respect women. Sexism never sleeps, Jared,” said Evan seriously. Jared laughed — an honest-to-God laugh.

The waitress — Natalie — came back with the checkbook and smiled at the two of them. “I completely support this,” she said. “You two have fun respecting women today. And the total will be $22.19.”

“Oh, we will,” said Jared, digging three tens out of his pocket and handing them to her. “You can keep the change.”

“I like this form of respecting women,” Natalie commented, and both of them laughed. 

“Thanks, miss,” Evan said.

Jared was suddenly very aware of how close together they were — he was sitting in Evan's _lap_ for God’s sake. “Thanks,” he echoed. 

She smiled. “You’re welcome.”

Evan adjusted his hands and Jared tried not to think about it — now that he was out of panic mode he was hyperaware of every inch of Evan’s body. 

When Natalie left Evan said, “She thinks we’re dating.” Jared could hear the laughter in his voice.

“So does the entire campus, your point?”

“Touché.”


	10. it’s true but she shouldn’t say it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Four gay dorks go swimming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god i fucking love alana beck
> 
> tw: body image issues, thoughts of disordered eating, brief mentions of self harm scars

 

_You look just as good as the day I met you / I forget just why I left you / I was insane / stay / and play that Blink-182 song / that we beat to death in Tucson, okay? - Closer // the Chainsmokers ft. Halsey_

* * *

**[Wednesday 22 May 09:13]**

**Chat: jared’s hand kink**

**Denim stars:** yo evan and jared

**Denim stars:** I changed yalls name in my phone to “homo 1” and “homo 2”

**Acorn:** Ok but who’s who

**COOL:** obviously i'm homo 1

**Acorn:** Actually this is bi erasure

**Denim stars:** evan’s homo 1

**COOL:** what are u trying to say

**Denim stars:** that ur secretly a bottom

**COOL:** jared has gone offline

**Denim stars:** Evan ur a dreidel dont deny it

**Acorn:** ?????

**Denim stars:** a jewish top

**Acorn:** Oh

**Acorn:** Evan has gone offline

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Just got in here I have a question

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** _What the fuck_

**Acorn:** Good question Alana

**Denim stars:** I thought u were offline?????

**Acorn:** You know what fuck u

**COOL:** um this is harassment im suing

**COOL:** look there r lines that can and can't be crossed and nO ONE MAKES FUN OF ACORN

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Gay

**COOL:** hm

**COOL:** [you_got_me_there.jpg]

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** good meme placement! 10/10

**COOL:** thanks Alana!

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** you’re welcome! :)

**Denim stars:** too much purity ew

**Denim stars:** lets talk about how jared’s a diehard sub

**Denim stars:** haha “die hard”

**COOL has removed Denim stars from the group chat**

**COOL:** it’s true, but she shouldn’t say it

**COOL has added Denim stars to the group chat**

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** iM HOLLERING

**Acorn:** KJFHGLVOPDXNUHVI;FXJCVN

**Denim stars:** what did I miss?????

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** *thomas jefferson voice*

**Acorn:** IM WHEEZING

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** IM CHOKING

**Denim stars:** no I am

**Denim stars:** well I was last night

**500 bees in a trenchcoat has removed Denim stars from the group chat**

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** it’s true but she shouldn’t say it

**500 bees in a trenchcoat has added Denim stars to the group chat**

**Denim stars:** stop rEMOVING ME YOU FUCKS

**Acorn:** Sorry i can't hear you over the sound of my laughter

**Denim stars:** very mean :(

**COOL:** hey evan do I have your permission to say something mean to zoe?

**Acorn:** Yeah jared go ahead

**COOL:** if u don't stop kink shaming I will rip a tree directly out of the ground and shove it up your left nostril

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** did u just ask evan's permission to say something mean

**COOL:** yeah

**Denim stars:** kinky

**COOL:** ev????

**Acorn:** yep

**COOL:** okay zoe you know what i'm a humble gay minding my own business out respecting women and making friends and you come along and come into MY group chat that I created and call me out on my kinks and make fun of my acorn you know what fuck you fuck ur entire family I hope u choke on a lego

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** oh my god

**Acorn:** Did you just call me your acorn ???

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Gay

**COOL:** thanks for ur contribution Alana

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** you’re so welcome

**COOL:** and yes I did

**Denim stars:** is that some kinda kink thing

**COOL:** ,,,evan???

**Acorn:** permission granted

**COOL:** GO LICK A CAT ZOE

**Denim stars:** DSsjfkgclhs;ojGHJGH

**COOL:** anyway anyone else here just get a Super Gay Thought out of nowhere

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** What was it

**COOL:** no

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Is it cheesy gay, nsfw gay, or just generally gay

**COOL:** hm… no

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Now I'm really curious

**COOL:** kinky

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** No,

**COOL:** <3

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Please tell me I wanna know

**COOL:** no anyway

**COOL:** anyway lets go swimming

**Acorn:** Where did that come from ??

**COOL:** a desperate need to change the subject

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** I’ll go if zoe goes

**Denim stars:** I'll go

**Acorn:** Jared I assume ur going since u suggested it ?

**COOL:** yea

**Acorn:** all right gays we’re going swimming

**Denim stars:** I checked the hours

**Denim stars:** let’s go Friday 20h-23h

**Acorn:** Sounds good

**COOL:** coolio

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** K babe ~

**COOL:** stOp

 

+++

 

He had _not_ thought this genius plan of his through all the way.

So now he was in the pool — him and his insecurities and body image issues were in the pool — him and his scars were in the pool — and _Evan_ was in the pool — that was all he would say about _that_.

He was leaning against the pool wall, wet hair pushed out of his face, dripping into his eyes a little bit anyway, Alana next to him.

“What are you gonna do?” Alana asked. 

“Die,” Jared said.

“About Evan.”

“Did I not just tell you?”

“You can’t just say you’ll go die every time you have a problem, Jared.”

“I'll figure it out. I’ll get over him,” Jared said, watching Evan as he floated in the pool, trying to ignore his stomach and his muscles and his neck and his arms.

“You thirsty enough over there? You’re literally floating in a body of water.”

“Fuck you,” he said lightly.

“What are you gonna do?” She asked again.

“Probably jerk off and cry.”

It would be a conversation killer for most people, but not for Alana. “Also not an answer.”

“I don’t _know_ , Alana. Probably just die alo— _oh_.” Evan had finally stopped floating and flipped around, speeding through the water towards the other side of the pool where Zoe was, having just dived. But Zoe wasn’t who he was looking at. No, he was watching Evan — his back, which was tan, from his tree-climbing probably, and his shoulders, the muscles there flexing with every stroke, his thighs, his biceps, his quads — his entire body, really. He needed to do an in-detail study of this boy with his mouth.

“Wow,” he mumbled as Evan rose above the water at the other side of the pool, hair dripping, skin dripping, looking like a water God or something.

“ALANA,” he called. “JARED. COME OVER HERE.”

Jared dived straight into the water because Evan was using the voice that never failed to make him weak in the knees and rocketed over to him and Zoe, propping himself up on the wall again.

“Hey, love. Oh, hi Jared,” Evan deadpanned. Jared snorted. “Please. I’m the favourite and we all know it.”

“It’s true, but he shouldn't say it.” Evan winked. “Anyway.” Water droplets slid down his neck and Jared really, really, _really_ wanted to go over there and lick it off, to lick up the column of his throat.

His eyes tracked one drop as it slid down his neck, over his collarbone, down his chest—

Alana hit him not-so-subtly.

“Bitch,” he said.

“Thought you loved respecting women?”

“Asshole.”

“Dick.”

“Fidget spinner.”

“Cactus-fucker.”

“Both of you shut up,” Zoe said. “I don’t know if you heard _any_ of that…” she said pointedly, looking at Jared. He flushed. …So _maybe_ he could stand to be a little bit less obvious.

“…So for those of us who were busy calling each other cacti-fuckers, after this we’re going to Subway.”

“I heard,” Jared lied.

He had not heard — he was too busy thinking about kissing Evan. Maybe doing more than kissing. Not that he’d think about that in a public space.

“Back to the important issue at hand, though,” said Zoe, “how Jared feels about them.”

“How I feel about what?”

“Hands.”

“OH MY GOD.” He threw both of his said appendages in the air and flailed, panicking, until he managed to grab the side of the pool again.

“I am so sorry I told you about Evan’s hand kink,” Alana said to Zoe.

“I’m sorry I said anything to you that made you think I had a hand kink,” Jared said to Alana.

“I’m sorry I don’t know how the topic came up,” Evan said to Jared. “Except I'm not sorry. Tell me.”

_Dear Lord, kill me now_. Evan was using That Voice — the one that made him dizzy with need and had Jared fucking aching for him — and it was _completely_ unfair.

He dove underwater and stayed there for as long as he could before floating back up.

“…I still want to know,” Evan said.

“I was just talking about dudes, guys, and bros,” he mumbled.

“And their hands,” Evan supplied helpfully.

Jared let out a groan and looked towards Alana. “Help me.”

“Everyone stop making fun or Jared or I’ll kink-shame you too.”

“Oh, god, anything but that,” Zoe said dryly.

“What if my kink is kink-shaming?” Evan asked.

“Quoting memes? In my good Jewish pool? Out.”

Evan snorted. 

“Alana’s the real MVP,” Jared said.

“I know,” she said.

“You’re right,” Zoe said.

“Can’t argue,” Evan said.

“We all love Alana,” Jared said.

Suddenly Zoe was grinning. “Alana Beck. How do I begin to explain Alana Beck?”

“Alana Beck is _flawless_ ,” Jared said in falsetto.

“I hear her nails are insured for fifty grand,” Evan continued, looking at his _own_ nails for dramatic effect.

“I hear she does car commercials. In _Japan_ ," Jared added.

“Her favorite movie is The Breakfast Club!” Zoe said.

“One time she met Neil Patrick Harris on a plane!” Evan said. “And he told her she was _pretty_.”

“One time, she punched me in the face,” Jared said. “And it was _awesome_.”

“I hate all of you,” Alana claimed. “Every last one of you.”

“Flawless,” Jared repeated.

“I have a weapon,” Alana threatened. He was reminded quite strongly of an underweight Chihuahua who thinks they’re a guard dog.

“Where?” He asked incredulously, gesturing to her. She was in a _swimsuit_ in a _pool_.

“Alana, you can’t refer to your box braids as ‘weapons’ whenever someone pisses you off,” Zoe said.

Jared cracked up and Alana flipped him off.

“I have a confession,” said Evan, and the three of them shut up instantly. “…I’ve never seen Mean Girls.”

“OH MY GOD,” Jared yelled.

“WHAT?!?” Zoe shrieked at the exact same time.

“We HAVE to remedy this,” Alana said. “Any morning classes?”

“Tomorrow’s Saturday,” Evan said.

“As soon as we get out of this pool we’re watching Mean Girls,” said Alana. “Complete with junk food and nail polish.”

“I'll paint your nails,” Jared said.

Zoe coughed, but it sounded suspiciously like “hand kink.” Jared elected to ignore this.

“Glad that’s settled,” Alana said. 

“What colour polish do you want?”

“You know the colour of Troye Sivan’s _Heaven_?”

“…No?”

“It’s like a pale blue but with a touch of green. It’s really pretty. I could always just go for black, though…”

_Well, either would be good when you’re scratching up my back during —_

_I_ mean _…!_

“Whichever you want is fine,” said Jared, hoping his face didn’t betray his thoughts. 

“I'll go black this time, then, and blue next time.”

_Next time!!!_

“Sounds good,” Jared said.

“Personally I’m going blood-red,” said Alana, breaking into the conversation. “Or maybe pastel pink? What do you think, babe?” She asked Zoe.

“Oh, well,” Evan started, grinning.

“Oh, shut up,” Zoe said, splashing him. “Pastel pink — you went red last time.”

“Okay,” Alana said. “You’re doing blue. I don’t make the rules.”

“You just did.”

“This is transmisogyny and I’m suing. Jared, what colour are you doing?”

“I don’t know,” he shrugged. “Have I ever made a decision once in my life?”

“Good point,” Evan said. “Forest green. You’re going forest green. I make the rules.”

“Thank you for your honesty.”

“Goddamnit Jared, speak a little slower, I was gonna kink-shame,” said Zoe. Jared splashed her. 

“Evan, can I insult Zoe?”

“Please do.”

“Zoe, go choke on a jalapeño.”

She snorted. “Your insults are so creative. I love it.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Anyway who wants to race?”

“I will,” Evan said.

“I will, but I won’t win," said Alana, “so I’ll just swim behind and cry.”

“Mood. Me too,” Jared said.

“Ready? Set? Go,” Zoe shouted.

Evan and Zoe dove into the water. Jared and Alana watched, Alana shooting him her best “ur fucked lmao” look. He stuck his tongue out, and the two of them followed shortly after, going much slower than Zoe and Evan but not slow enough to be embarrassing. Yet.

“Story time,” said Jared once they got to the other side. “I once lost a swimming race to a four year old.”

“That’s pathetic, I'm so proud,” said Evan as the others laughed.

“How do you get in these situations?” Zoe asked.

“See, I was thirteen on a camping trip, and one of the leaders was like ‘hey let’s go swimming and also I'm bringing my kids,’ right? And so we were swimming in the river and this four year old kid decides to swim back to shore to find his dad. And I'm thirteen and just learnt to swim, right? So I'm like ‘hey, I can test how fast I swim by swimming next to this kid.’ And I was swimming as fast as I could — seriously, I was so out of breath, it was really difficult — and you know who won?! THE LITTLE KID! THE LITTLE KID WON!”

The other three were in hysterics, Zoe sticking her tongue out like a five year old — not that he had any room to talk.

“Haha, nerd," Evan said.

“Oh, ouch. Story time: I was bullied by my fake boyfriend.”

“Anyway,” said Alana, “let’s stop making fun of Jared and start making fun of Evan.”

“What’d I do this time?”

“I don’t know. Let’s just make fun of Evan. We haven't done it enough today.”

“Zoe made a fake PornHub once where all the videos were of trees. TreeHub.”

“Like I said,” Alana said. “Very creative, by the way.”

“Thank you,” Zoe said, “I worked hard on it. I had to learn to code. It got me a 100 in my web design class.”

“I’m actually really impressed,” Jared said.

“Me too,” said Evan.

“The question is, why was Evan on PornHub?” Alana asked.

“For oatmeal recipes, _why the fuck do you think?”_

Jared tried _really hard_ not to think about why Evan was on PornHub.

“Touché,” Alana said.

“Anyway, I’m being bullied.”

“Are you guys bullying my acorn?” Jared asked, trying not to sound like he was currently dying a thousand times over the thought of Evan.

“Yeah,” said Zoe.

“No one bullies my acorn and gets out alive,” Jared said.

“Oh, so scary,” said Evan. “All ninety pounds, four-foot-ten of you?”

“Wow, nice,” he said. 

But now he was thinking about his weight — he was 122 pounds — his BMI had to be, what, 25, 26? It was a stupid thing to think about — who cared, really? It didn’t matter. But he was in a pool now with his body visible and Jesus Christ, this was why Evan didn’t like him. Why no one liked him. He was lucky to get even _Kaylin_ to like him, for God’s sake. Maybe if he starved like he did back in freshman year he’d look somewhat okay again — why was he even fucking thinking about this? He was so stupid. It didn’t matter. It shouldn't matter. Jesus fuck. He was so weak, fuck.

Alana was saying something but he wasn’t listening, and suddenly she and Zoe had dived off into the water — were they racing? 

“Hey, Jared are you — fuck.” Evan's eyes widened. “I just fucked up, didn’t I?”

“It’s okay— I’m okay —”

“No — I fucked up I'm sorry — shit I didn't mean — I — I — fuck,” Evan breathed. He was panicking — Jared could tell by his rapid breathing and eyes focused on nothing.

Jared pulled himself onto the side of the pool and held out a hand to Evan, Aladdin-style. He took it and pulled himself up, and maybe this was a serious conversation and it really wasn’t the time but the sight of Evan pulling himself up with his muscles showing under his skin and water dripping down his body — _god_. He’d be lying if he said it didn’t make him a little bit dizzy.

“You’re okay,” he mumbled. “You’re okay. You didn't mean anything by it.”

“I shouldn’t have said that — I’m sorry — you probably hate me now and I mean that’s fine I totally get that I just wish I could have one relationship I didn’t fuck up by talking too much I’m sorry —”

“Evan.”

“And I'm sorry I’m such a terrible friend and it’s never been my place to—”

“Evan.”

“And it’s okay, if you want to stop being my friend, stop being my fake boyfriend, that’s okay, I mean you’re one of the only people I care about but it’s okay because you’ll find someone better and —”

“Evan Benjamin Michael Hansen.”

Evan stopped his panicked rambling. “Yeah?”

“I'm not mad at you. I'm not leaving.”

“I don’t deserve you—”

“No, _I_ don’t deserve _you_.”

Evan leaned his head on top of Jared's and put an arm around him. Jared was sure he was about to spontaneously combust. He was pressed against Evan in so many places and _Jesus Christ_ …

Evan sighed. “I just really don't want to hurt you.” Evan took Jared’s right hand with his own, running a thumb up and down his wrist. Jared leant against him, cheek pressed against his shoulder, hoping Evan couldn’t feel his heart beating out of his chest.

_I want to kiss you and kiss you and_ kiss you.

“I know,” Jared whispered. “But we’re human, and humans get hurt — I know I did my fair share of hurting back in high school — but we can recover, yeah?”

“When’d you get so smart?” Evan asked.

“After talking to you.”

“Cheeseball.”

“Maybe so,” Jared said.

“Don’t worry,” Evan mumbled into his hair. “I love it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...i fucking love alana beck


	11. trust me i'm gay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Evan watches mean girls and gets his nails painted, and Jared is (unsurprisingly) gay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao someone stop me from making references to other musicals in here jkhfjksdhfc
> 
> oh also when i wrote this i knew Nothing about mean girls so fun fact

 

_I over communicate and feel too much - Feelings // Hayley Kiyoko_

* * *

Alana handed the bowl of popcorn and M&Ms to Zoe, who was searching Netflix to find Mean Girls.

Evan sat on the couch, looking like an angel — hair still slightly damp from swimming, skin probably really smooth, eyes shining, lips a little redder than normal because he’d been biting them.

_Okay google: is it socially acceptable to jump on a guy’s lap and kiss him till neither of you know your own names_?

“Black nail polish, yeah?” He asked, even though he knew the answer.

“Yep,” said Evan.

Alana flopped onto the couch next to them. “If you get nail polish on my girlfriend’s couch she’ll kill you.”

“Oh, how terrifying,” Jared said sardonically. “I’m a millennial, Alana. A will to live? In this economy?”

“Okay, mood,” she said.

Zoe let out a whoop. “I FOUND IT!”

“Yeah!” Alana cheered.

Zoe selected the show and hit play. “All right, Evan, get ready to be amazed.”

“Getting ready,” he said, grinning.

“I’m painting yours first, right?” Jared whispered as the movie started.

“Yeah, yeah.” Evan held out his hand dramatically and Jared took it, saying, “Do you trust me?!”

Evan rolled his eyes. “Paint my fucking nails, Jared.”

He wanted to say it was a total dick move to use that voice on him but he didn't think Evan knew he was doing it, so he kept his mouth shut and held Evan’s left hand steady in his right as the movie began to play.

He started with Evan’s pinky and worked towards his thumb, trying his hardest not to smear it. When he got to Evan’s thumb he blew on it just a little, making Evan laugh, before moving to the other hand.

Now that he had found a rhythm it was harder to not think about places Evan’s hands could be other than Jared’s own.

The second he finished painting Evan’s other thumb he whispered, “Goddamnit.”

“Yeah?” Jared asked.

“I want popcorn now.”

Jared snickered and grabbed a handful, tossing a piece at Evan’s face. Unsurprisingly, he didn’t catch it, and it bounced off his cheekbone onto the couch.

“Jared, you’re so mean,” Evan said, holding out his hand.

With a shit-eating grin he placed his empty hand in Evan’s and flipped it around, bringing the back of his hand to his lips and kissing it dramatically.

“Popcorn, Jared, I want _popcorn_.”

Jared sighed loudly and gave him the popcorn, still smiling.

“ _Thank you_ ,” Evan said, exasperated.

“You’re so welcome,” Jared said.

After Evan’s nails had dried he grabbed the green from the floor.

“All right,” Evan said, “Which one first?”

“The left,” Jared said.

Evan started painting and Jared tried not to focus on the feeling of Evan’s hands on his. Somehow, it was a lot worse when Evan was painting his nails.

He focused in on the screen but every other sense was turned into Evan’s hands like some kind of shitty gaydar that only picked up on Evan. He tried to stay focused on his breathing — the movie was no help when it came to Jared’s upcoming homosexual death — but he couldn’t. He was tempted to take both Evan’s hands and kiss them.

How did just a little touch have him so distracted?

Alana winked at him from the other side of the couch, where she had her head on Zoe’s shoulder. The other girl was in her lap and was holding one of her hands.

_Gay_ , he mouthed.

_You too_ , Alana mouthed back.

Evan blew on his fingers over dramatically once he’d finished, grinning. “Beautiful,” he said. “Green suits you. Trust me, I’m gay.”

“Big mood,” Jared said, echoed by Zoe and Alana soon after.

The movie passed quickly — although it was hard to focus with Evan’s side pressing into his own and he found himself watching Evan more intently than the actual movie.

 

**[Saturday 24 May 00:32]**

**Chat: jared’s hand kink**

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** jared’s gay

 

Jared stuck his tongue out at her from the other side of the couch.

“Evan, bite it, please,” Alana said.

“I’M NOT BITING JARED'S TONGUE!”

“Things I never thought I'd hear,” Jared commented.

“All right,” Zoe said from the doorway, “I refuse context in any way. We’re still having a gay sleepover — copyright Hayley Kiyoko 2016 — right?”

“Obviously,” said Alana.

“Obviously,” Zoe echoed, laughing a little. “I'll get the spare mattresses out of the closet and we’ll sleep on the floor.”

She did and Jared slipped into the bathroom while she pulled the mattresses out — he could hear them bumping into things and Zoe occasionally swearing at the top of her lungs — and changed as quickly as possible, slipping into a t-shirt and sweatpants.

When he came out there were two mattresses on the floor, jammed together.

“Alana and I get the one on the left, you boys get the one on the right,” Zoe said. “I don’t make the rules.”

“…You just did.”

“Shut up, Hansen.”

“Yeah, Hansen,” Jared teased. Evan stuck his tongue out (because he was mature like that).

The next fifteen minutes went by in a blur of fuzzy vision and Evan being the most attractive person on the planet. He ended up lying next to Evan, the two of them facing each other. Evan drifted off almost immediately and Jared pulled out his phone, turning the brightness down so it wouldn't wake up the other boy.

 

**[Saturday 24 May 01:19]**

**Chat: COOL and 500 bees in a trenchcoat**

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Hey homo

**COOL:** hey lez

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** I see the looks ur giving evan are u ok?

**COOL:** my gal pal, my dearest alana with a comma after dearest, my girl, my woman, my girlfriend, my gal, ma chere, mon amie, mon petit chou,,, nope!

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Any reason why or

**COOL:** I am Sad and Gay

**COOL:** wish I had a guy, a dude, a boy, a man, a bro, a boyfriend

**COOL:** look at him in the light under yalls stupid christmas lights that are up in the middle of spring(/???/)

**COOL:** he’s gorgeous

**COOL:** jfc

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Are you. are you crying?

**COOL:** [have_you_ever_seen_a_man_so_beautiful_you_started_crying.jpg]

**COOL:** yeah but can u blame me??????????

**COOL:** he’s gorgeous and i'm lonely

**COOL:** he’s sleeping and he’s so peaceful and i.

**COOL:** jesus christ i can't believe i'm crying over a boy am i a middle school girl yet

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** You’re jewish u don't even believe in jesus

**COOL:** irrelevant. He’s so pretty alana listen to me,,

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Do u need a hug or something?????

**COOL:** idk is zoe awake

**COOL:** I dont want to wake her up

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** She’s asleep i think

**[draft] COOL:** what are u

 

Alana had crawled over her girlfriend and curled up next to Jared, throwing an arm around him. He buried his face in his pillow.

Had anyone told seventh-grade him that he’d still be crying over Evan in his freshman year of college, his younger self would have flipped the _fuck_ out.

After a couple of minutes he pulled his phone out of his pocket, typing one-handedly over Alana’s shoulder.

 

**COOL:** wow ur the first person i've cried in front of since fuckin uh 3rd grade??

**COOL:** big step up from that dickwad Ally lemme tell u

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Thanks i think? but why are u texting me i'm right here

**COOL:** dnt wna wake up the others,, or have evan hear me talk abt how pretty he is 

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Yes we know he’s very pretty and you love his hands we kNOw

**COOL:** fdfsdfcsdfsfds

 

He shifted so he could use both hands to text and grinned at Alana, whispering, “Millennial culture, amirite?”

“Absolutely,” she replied.

 

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** So you're gay?

**COOL:** maybe a little bit 

**COOL:** idk alana is it gay to be attracted to men

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** No cause u could be bi

**COOL:** wise words from a wise woman

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** thnak

**COOL:** weclmoe

**COOL:** he’s just

**COOL:** aaah

**COOL:** I would like to inform u that when we were kissing at the movie theatre he gasped into my mouth and I died

**COOL:** fjvhuiodygf;uKJDFGL gay

**COOL:** I want to kiss him???so bad???but I can't and it’s ugh

**COOL:** because jfc

**COOL:** he’s just

**COOL:** oof it sucks because ik i’m not good enough for him but!!!!!!!jesus ffukcing crhist

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Im gonna have to stop u right there good sir

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** This is a lie u are most definitely food enough

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** **gOOD I MEANT GOOD FKLJGHDFGVLDX

**COOL:** 10/10 for effort fjdfklsj

**COOL:** but no thats fake news

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** No it aint you're wrong

**COOL:** no ones ever gonna love me? but ok

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Thats not true whomst the fuck told u that

**COOL:** my dad lmao

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Imma beat him up

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** He wrong as fuCK youre wonderful and I love u

**COOL:** thanks I've still got severe self image issues

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Okay mood

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Also uhh

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** If evan told me he liked u, would u want me to tell him u like him???

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** He’s real gay in pm’s which is why I ask

**COOL:** has he said who????

**COOL:** cause if it was me

**COOL:** than sure

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** He hasn't said yet

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** But if he does & it’s someone else i’ll hyu

**COOL:** god ok so when we went to Dennys

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** You’ve been typing for a long time & this text started w/ a mention of denny’s should I be concerned

**COOL:** well part of my morning routine when I shower is having an emotional breakdown right? it happens every day ngl I've kinda started planning on it. id been having that day’s emotional breakdown over being a Bad Friend™ for liking him and my internalized homophobia was getting to me so that too. well I had to cut my breakdown short cause we were gna go to Denny’s. so when we were there I had this panic attack cause mental illnesses r a bitch and he was comforting me and I was trying to explain that if he NKEW HE WOULD LEAVE BUT I OCULDNT SAY THAT XAUSE HE DOESNT KNOW and god it’s sofuckign gross holy shit but he was? so ??????nice????????????like he actually fukcin cares and I don't want to fuck that up with my stupid fucking emotions but I care about him so somuch

**COOL:** if dennys is mentioned u shld be concerned yes

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Jfc my guy,,

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Ok first of all I've said it before and i’ll say it again: he won't leave u over this!!

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Secondly!! you're not a bad friend for having normal human emotions ok

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Thirdly I have NO proof whatsoever but !!id be willing to bet he likes u back

**COOL:** ur a good friend

**COOL:** I dont belueve u but ur an agnel seriously 

**COOL:** wowo i cant believe ur my plationtc wife

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** What wedding cake do u want

**COOL:** we don't need a cake youre sweet enough

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** ohhhhh myyyyy godddddd

**COOL:** true mlm/wlw solidafity

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** solidafity

**COOL:** ok u know what u moldy loaf of bread

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** I thought u had to ask evan for permission to insult people?

**COOL:** yeah but he’s asleep

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** It’s still the funniest fucking thing to me btw

**COOL:** well I wldnt want to use up all the most creative insults or make him sad

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Gay

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** No but really next ur gna start “””platonically””” calling him daddy

**COOL:** if I ever do that feel free to crucify me

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Ok thank god

**COOL:** kjhsdflshdf 

**COOL:** anyway catch me crying in the club on this lovely saturday morning

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Go to sleep asshole

**COOL:** love u 2

**COOL:** only if u sleep too

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Gnight love u

**COOL:** my wonderful platonic wife,,

+++

Jared grumbled and sat up, blinking in the bright sun.

The clock read 07:14 — so he could be asleep for another six hours if he wanted — and he was about to do just that when he heard Evan stir.

“You ‘wake?” He mumbled.

“Unfortunately,” Evan replied.

“Why? ’s the middle of th’ night.”

“C’ldn’t sleep. ‘Can we confer, sir?’”

“Stop quoting Hamilton, oh my god. And all night?”

“Mhm. I slept for about a half hour but haven't gotten to sleep since.”

“Jesus.” Jared opened his eyes — not without a lot of effort, mind — and smiled when he saw Evan. Which was really gay.

The other boy was only a few inches away from him, his blonde hair tousled and messy, his shirt wrinkled and slipping off one shoulder.

_Wow, grade-A homosexual right here_.

“So I'm running on anxiety and no sleep,” Evan said.

“If that ain’t the mood of the year,” Jared said. “Anything that’ll help? That I can do?”

“Not really,” Evan mumbled. He licked his lips and sighed. Jared wondered if he’d reached Maximum Gay yet. 

“M’kay.”

“You can go back to sleep,” Evan whispered. “If you’re tired. I don’t want to keep you up.”

“No.”

“Okay.”

Jared sighed, propping his head up with his hand. “Why've you been awake?”

“Anxiety.”

“About?”

“Oh, you know, everyone hates me, I’m dying alone, the usual.” He rubbed his eyes with his palm and Jared shouldn’t have found it as attractive as he did.

“I don't hate you.”

“Makes one of us.”

Jared really wanted to kiss him. They were so close. He was right there. And he had lips, Evan had lips… it only made sense, right?

He didn’t lean over and press his lips to Evan’s. He didn’t whisper how much he loved the other boy or confess how he’d felt since seventh grade. He didn’t run a finger across Evan’s jawline or kiss his forehead. He didn't give into the emotions that were eating him alive from the inside out.

“Actually, you're not allowed to hate yourself, and no one else is allowed to hate you either. It’s against the rules that I'm making right now.”

“That’s a power move if I've ever seen one.”

“You’re so right OP.”

Evan snorted. “I can’t believe anyone could quote memes in casual conversation this much.”

“Yeah, well,” — He was struck with an idea. Tastes like a heart attack, symbol of the devil on the can — “Monster. You need a Monster.”

“ _What_?”

“Yeah. A monster energy drink. Let’s go to the store, convince everyone we’re boyfriends, and hiss when we see heteros being affectionate.”

Evan laughed. “Sure. Let’s go.”

“Wanna walk there? It’s—” he grabbed his phone from under the mattress “—69º Fahrenheit out, so hell yeah we’re walking.”

“I'm fake dating a 12 year old.”

“You signed up for this.”

“I don’t recall signing anything.”

“Once we get back I’m typing up and signing a document of our relationship.”

“Nerd,” said Evan.

“Takes one to know one. Anyway, are we going?”

“Hell yeah. God bless having a store literally ten minutes away from Alana and Zoe’s apartment.”

“Can you believe we have friends rich enough to own an apartment?”

“Nope. That’s capitalism for you kids.”

Jared laughed. “This is reverse sexism at its finest.”

“I'm a guy and it’s inconveniencing me.”

“Don’t let Alana hear us, she’ll go batshit.”

“I see why, though,” Evan allowed, still grinning. “She’s right. C’mon, let’s go get me some caffeine before I pass out.”

“That works for me,” Jared said. He recalled a line from Hamilton: _I trust you’ll understand the reference to another Scottish tragedy without my having to name the play_.

“Heathers?” Evan grinned.

_When you smile, you knock me out I fall apart — and I thought I was so smart_.

“Yep.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> u can thank my friend Charlie for the “we don't need a cake you're sweet enough” thing lmao I love them sm shOUTOUT TO CHARLIE LOVE U BB


	12. The Document

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ASKFJHGKJVLSDZX I CANT BELIEVE JARED (I) WROTE OUT THIS WHOLE THING FOR THE MEME

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it’s not rly a chapter but pleas ejust take it

Composed 24th May, 09:14AM

Henceforth, new factors in the dynamics of the fabricated romantic relationship between one Jared William Kleinman, who is as of now referred to as the Author, and Evan Benjamin Michael Hansen, subsequently referred to as the Recipient, shall be stated and consented to in the following Document.

The requirements to meet the criteria as a claimed partner, and to encourage the relationship to succeed, are as follows:

The Recipient is subsequently not allowed to speak negatively of himself unless he is prepared for the Author to correct him.

In the group messages between the Author, the Recipient, Zoe Laura Murphy, and Alana Kristolyn Beck, the Author has the right to claim the screen name of “homo #1.”

The Recipient must come to grips with the fact that the Author is, in all honesty, a meme.

The Author must come to grips with the fact that the Recipient is, in all honesty, a nerd.

It is within the parameters of proper conversation to make numerous references to musical theatre. However, alluding to too many memes is inadmissible and may result in the temporary termination of the relationship.

At any time at which it is possible, the Author must ask the permission of the Recipient to insult a third party. This rule, suggested by the Recipient, has been instated to aid the Author in refraining to hurt the feelings of others, and also to help prevent him from using all the best insults too quickly.

If the Recipient tells a third party of the true nature of their relationship, he must inform the Author as quickly as possible. This rule is also in place for the Author.

Signed:

_JARED WILLIAM KLEINMEME_

_Evan Hansen (this wasn’t a consensual signing Jared forced me to) (NO I DIDN’T) (yeah you did but okay)_


	13. the painting of a porch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared and Evan go to a concert but then jared feels a sad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jfc I can’t write anYTHING fluffy I s2g,,,
> 
> tw: severe depressive spiral, executive dysfunction, suicide ideation, self harm, relapse, blood. seriously y'all be careful
> 
> Also this takes place like?? Friday & saturday the week after chapter 11, end of may/early june (1 & 2 June)

_Low on self esteem so we run on gasoline / I think there’s a fault in my code / these voices won’t leave me alone - Gasoline // Halsey_

* * *

Evan and Jared shoved their way into a row, Jared grinning. “Last minute tickets? I'd sell my soul.”

“Luckily, you don't have to,” Evan said. “Since somehow you got them. I didn’t know you knew I liked Troye.”

“I follow you on Spotify; most of your playlists are half his songs.”

“You got me there.”

“Did we not just sign a document about this?” Jared grinned.

“That clause was entirely for you,” Evan said.

“Oh, fuck _off_.”

“Never,” Evan smiled, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. Jared glared up at him. “You’re so tall. Stop it.”

Evan sat down. “Climb up onto my back,” he said, laughing at Jared’s confused face. Jared jumped on one of the chairs and wrapped his legs around Evan’s waist and his arms around his shoulders.

“Move your left arm a little lower, you’re choking me — okay, that’s good,” Evan said. Jared tried not to think about all the places their bodies were touching.

Evan had to put him down a few minutes later, and the concert started just as Jared was sitting down.

He jumped up when Troye came onstage and may or may not have cried upon hearing him sing the first song.

The rest of the night passed in a blur. At once, he remembered every detail and none at all. It was both a blur of neon lights and Troye’s voice and Evan’s face illuminated in the lights.

He wanted to kiss him into oblivion. 

_I die every night with you_

_Oh my my my_

_Living for your every move_

At some point he slipped his hand in Evan’s and the other boy didn't move away. Which was the most surreal part of the night, honestly.

It was an ever-changing kaleidoscope of memories.

Every detail was burnt into his memory as well. Pulling Evan into a hug during HEAVEN because both of them were crying. Dragging a fingernail along the back of the chair in front of him during FOOLS. Holding Evan’s hand during My My My.

He remembered riding the taxi to the hotel and falling asleep on Evan’s shoulder — Evan shaking him awake, amused.

He remembered checking into the hotel, drunk off happiness and music, the lady behind the counter smiling at them and asking how long they’d been together — “only about 2 weeks now,” said Evan — and giving them room C403. 

He remembered riding the elevator up and smiling at Evan and Evan smiling back.

He remembered going into the bathroom and changing into his pajamas. He remembered curling up next to Evan in bed and the other boy kissing his forehead to say goodnight. He remembered that the blankets were white and fluffier than his own.

He did not remember how he felt holding Evan’s hand. He did not remember disappointment once the concert ended. He did not remember amusement or shame at falling asleep in the taxi. He did not remember anxiety or pride telling the lady about his and Evan’s ‘relationship.’ He didn’t remember detesting the quick accidental glimpses of his body as he changed. He did not remember his heart fluttering when he laid down next to Evan. He did not remember smiling or feeling lovesick when Evan kissed him. He did not remember the bedsheets being cold or having an opinion on them.

He woke up and did not move. He stared at the clock — 10:44. Not unexpected. He’d had a long night.

He closed his eyes but couldn’t get back to sleep. Opened them again. Stared at a painting of a porch on the wall until his eyes went blurry.

He wasn’t thinking about anything. 

Evan shifted next to him and he didn’t feel the need to turn and say good morning.

Even if he’d wanted to, would he be _able_ to?

He needed to go to the bathroom but felt as though he’d never again get out of bed. He was perfectly content to stare at the painting of a porch until he died.

His stomach grumbled. He didn’t register any hunger or pain. 

He knew it wasn’t normal but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

He felt the bed shift and heard Evan’s feet hit the ground. He closed his eyes quickly, not wanting Evan to know he was awake just yet — because then he’d have to explain why he wasn't moving and he didn't have the fucking energy for that.

He heard the bathroom door slam and checked the clock. 11:19.

He stayed there, eyes closed, as the door opened again.

“Jared? You up?”

He didn't answer. _Yes. I'm up. I love you_.

“I know you’re awake,” Evan said.

Jared shrugged, still not opening his eyes.

“Hey.” The bed sank a couple inches as Evan supposedly sat down. “You okay?”

He shrugged again. His shoulders hurt. It didn’t matter.

Evan brushed his hair out of his face. Where the hell was he sitting? Jared didn’t really care. A vague sense of curiosity gnawed at him, but it was subdued so horribly he barely recognized it for what it was.

“You gotta get up,” Evan said. “Or at least say something, all right? I’ll get you food.”

Jared nodded slightly.

“Will you sit up?”

In theory, yes. In practice? His limbs were stiff and heavy. There were so many muscles that had to be moved, so much weight to be lifted… he _could not do it_.

He took in a breath. Evan's shampoo smelt like coconut and vanilla. It wasn’t bad.

_I can't I can’t I can’t_. 

Everything was so _much_ — the seams of his t-shirt, the coolness of the blanket — and yet also nothing — he should feel something about Evan being so close to him. He should be scared. He needed to feel something but he didn’t, he couldn’t. So instead of fucking dealing with his problems like most people did — like _Evan_ did — he started fucking crying.

“Hey, hey,” Evan whispered. 

Maybe he was on the ground…?

“I can't do this,” he breathed.

“This?” Evan prompted.

“Anything.”

“Aw, Jared, angel,” Evan whispered. He didn't know what it meant to call someone angel but he couldn’t bring himself to fucking care.

“I can’t feel anything,” he mumbled. “And I should be scared but I’m not and I don’t know why.”

He felt Evan’s hand on his cheek, brushing away tears probably.

“I can’t — everything’s too much — I want to get out of bed but I can't — I —” his eyes flickered open and he stared through Evan. Any other time he’d have spent as long as possible memorizing Evan’s face, but not today.

“I'll get you food. Caffeine won’t help — if this is anything like my depressive spirals that’ll make it worse. Do you think you could sit up?”

“Maybe,” he mumbled.

_Don't disappoint Evan_.

“Blueberry muffin, extra soft and extra crumbly?” Evan asked.

“Yep.” Numbly, Jared wondered how Evan remembered his favourite type of muffin.

“I love you. I'll be right back,” Evan said.

“Love you too,” he said weakly.

_Sit up sit up sit up_

_Sit up_

_Sit up sit up_

_Sit up you told Evan you would_

_Sit up_

He finally managed to get his body to listen to his mind and sat up, resting against the bed frame. The sun shone through the window onto the bed, tinting the white blankets yellowish.

Evan came back a few minutes later, a muffin in each hand and two water bottles wedged between his hip and his arm.

“I'm back,” Evan said unnecessarily. “Here. The softest, most crumbly muffin I could find.”

Jared smiled a little bit. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

It took him a long time to raise a piece to his mouth, eat it, take a bite…

He wanted to be dead. It would be better than this numbness and the heaviness.

He needed to feel something.

“Have some water,” Evan said softly, handing him a plastic bottle. He took a couple sips, then a couple more. Before he knew it he’d downed the entire bottle.

The fog cleared just a tiny bit — better than nothing — at least now he was seeing Evan and not just through him to the painting of a porch. The other boy was on the bed, on top of the blankets.

“Thank you," Jared whispered again. He felt like crying. He didn't know why.

“Hey, no problem,” Evan said. “If you don’t take care of yourself I’ll take care of you, okay?”

“That’s gay,” Jared commented, but it sounded weak even to himself.

“Bi, actually,” Evan said. So he was willing to pretend Jared was okay for a second.

“Amendment accepted.”

Once he’d finished eating — which took a _long fucking time_ — Evan said, “Hey, I gotta take a shower or I will _actually die_ , do you wanna use the bathroom first?”

“Sure. I'll roll off the bed,” he said. 

_You could hit your head and die_ — 

_Does it matter_?

He did just that, landing on the floor and bruising his pride. Evan hopped off the bed and extended a hand to him. “Do you trust me?” He asked, Aladdin-esque.

Jared held out a hand and Evan grinned. “I knew I wasn’t a total failure!”

“No, that’s me,” Jared said numbly.

“Fake news.”

He stumbled towards the bathroom door and blew a sarcastic kiss.

_If I pretend everything is okay, maybe it will become so_.

+++

It did not get better. They had to leave by five PM. It was four PM and Jared was sitting in the shower with scalding water hitting his back, feeling absolutely fucking nothing.

He’d been fighting all day. Telling off his own mind, reminding it that _no_ , _that’s not true_ , _no, you're not right, no, I don’t need this right now._

But he was tired. He was so fucking tired and he needed to feel something, _anything,_ other than the numbness. He needed to feel anything other than the nameless heaviness that had settled on every part of his soul and refused to let go, refused to let him breathe. He felt it crushing his lungs, his heart, his ribs, his soul.

One more scar isn’t that bad. One more is okay. One more and then never again.

It was what he'd told himself when he started, too. But he was a year clean. He’d stopped. He could stop again. He’d be fine.

It was a bad idea and he knew that. 

There were worse things. Just fucking offing himself, for one. 

In the grand scheme of things, this wasn’t that bad.

He grabbed the disposable razor from the little container on the bathtub ledge.

_This is stupid_ , said a small part of his brain.

_This is the only way to feel better_ , said a larger part.

He fiddled with the buttons, trying to figure out how it worked, before finally popping out one of the blades.

One cut turned into two, then three, then four, then six, then eight.

The blood dripped down his wrist down the drain and he watched it swirl away.

He felt awake. The endorphins had rushed directly to his brain, releasing some of that sweet, sweet serotonin.

Not a phrase he thought he’d ever think. The ridiculousness of this whole fucked situation hit him. He was sitting in a bathroom with a bleeding wrist thinking about “some of that sweet, sweet serotonin.”

It was funny in a severely fucked up way.

He realized he didn’t have a bandage and sobered up, dread pooling in his stomach.

At least he felt something.

There was probably one in the closet. If not, he could improvise with a paper towel or something.

_What was he going to tell Evan_?

_Evan doesn’t have to know_.

He stepped out of the shower, turning off the water, and wrapped himself in a towel, careful not to let any blood touch it. The hotel staff would be concerned. He didn’t want to make their job any worse than it probably already was.

He dried his hair and his shoulders, then stopped and glared at the mirror for showing him what he looked like.

_It was better than feeling empty._

Guilt still gnawed at him.

He pulled on clothes as quickly as possible — his ripped black jeans, a grey tank top, and a moss green hoodie — and dug around in the cabinets, where, praise God _and_ Jesus, a box of bandages sat on the bottom shelf. He pressed one on his wrist and flushed the wrapper, than stepped out.

“Feel any better?” Evan asked, from where he was tossing his stuff in a suitcase.

_No. Yes_. “Yeah.”

“That’s good!” Evan said, smiling brightly. Jared wanted to see him smile like that forever.

“Yeah,” Jared smiled back. He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose with the heel of his palm.

“Wanna go out to eat tonight or go back to the campus for food?” Evan asked.

“Mmm, let's just go back to school,” Jared said, shrugging. “I’m still really tired.”

“All right,” Evan said. He smiled again. “Maybe you should write a letter to yourself.”

Jared laughed a little at the joke. “‘Dear Jared Kleinman, today is going to be a good day and here’s why: blueberry muffins.’”

“Hey, blueberry muffins making you happy are better than nothing at all.”

“I didn’t know I was in therapy.”

“Even if it’s just one thing you stay for, what really matters is that you stayed.”

“Too much therapy. Pause the therapy, Evan, pause the therapy.”

Evan laughed again. “When the group chat gets intense.”

“Mood,” Jared smiled. He collapsed on the ground next to Evan, who threw the last shirt in his suitcase and turned on his phone, which was 15 minutes into a HGTV episode. “Wanna watch?”

“Sure. And then let’s go get food?”

“Of course,” Evan smiled, hitting play.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> on my 13th birthday i went to a hotel to visit my grandmother. the walls were red, i think. i sat on the bed on the right and dissociated in and out of my own body, staring at this one painting of a porch. it was drawn from the back, looking out at a lake, with two chairs on the porch. had i been fully there, i think i could've appreciated the shading a lot more than i did. i was thirteen and spent three hours dissociated, staring at the painting of a porch. maybe it seems stupid, but i still think about that day all the time. in case anyone was wondering (no one was), that day was what inspired this chapter


	14. gay nerds having fun at the end of may / early june

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> reading shitty fanfic, kissing, and texting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: self harm
> 
> the fanfic I’m quoting here?? all from unpublished books written by me in 4th/5th grade,, you’re so welcome,, praise jESUS MY WRITING’S GOTTEN BETTER
> 
> Also that first part is hella self-indulgent let a guy live,,,,, I need my kids to be Happy
> 
> Also why'd y'all think I set this in end of may or early june if not to make jokes about it constantly?

 

_I don’t wanna be your friend / I wanna kiss your neck - fallingforyou // the 1975_   


* * *

 

The two of them sat in the cafeteria, Jared leaning on Evan’s shoulder, reading over his shoulder one of the shittiest fanfics they could find. The summary had read “This is my first Harry Potter fanfic! ;3 Be nice in the comments! I’m only 10 xD - Amelia”

Evan cracked up and Jared got to where he was a second later.

“‘GREEN EYES LIKE GREEN CLOUDS,’” he cackled. “God, me too, kiddo.”

“Trying to write romantic poetry like,” Evan added.

The two of them kept reading, Evan scrolling slower than Jared knew he needed to so that Jared could read the whole page.

“‘No waving to girls in Jeeps while battling hippogriffs.’ I mean, it’s good advice,” Evan said.

“My question is why Ron assumed everyone in the room was either a straight guy or into girls.”

“Good point. _Why do you assume you’re the gayest in the room_ —”

“Stop parodying Hamilton in my good Christian suburbs.”

The two read on, both grinning at the badly written, out-of-character Harry Potter fanfic.

“WE FLEW FOR LIKE FIFTY HOURS OR SOMETHING,” Jared hollered.

“Bro, the end of the page there’s a new character — Dude Larpdart.”

“Jesus Christ,” Jared said, laughing.

“Wait, why is Hermione a werewolf?” Evan asked.

“Why is the main character here — Lily — in the golden trio when she offers literally nothing to the group?”

“Because it’s a self insert fanfiction, Jared.”

They kept reading, both overwhelmed with laughter. “‘It was a lame class that taught about money and stuff,’” Evan said.

“Financial algebra.”

“Home EC.”

“Introduction to Statistics.”

“Power and Privilege.”

“What the hell does that have to do with ‘money and stuff?’”

“White able-bodied cishet men generally have more money than black disabled trans gay women due to employer discrimination and the cycle of poverty.”

“Touché.”

They read on. The entire fan fiction was 28 chapters long and almost as bad as My Immortal. Featuring incredibly shitty grammar, cute little segments completely mis-portraying Dissociative Identity Disorder and ADHD, referring to ‘poetic license’ as a type of poem, and the main character challenging every boy who liked her to a duel, the 58,000-word fanfic was so much of a catastrophe that the two boys ended up leaving a like.

“The part where Lily puts on makeup before heading into battle because ‘she’s a 15 year old girl,’” Evan said. “No more needs to be said.”

“I wore more makeup than Alana at age 15,” Jared said.

“Do you think Ron’s comment about Draco being cute was queerbaiting or was the author just blatantly heterosexual and didn’t remember she was writing a dude?”

“Probably the second one but also both. What about Lily’s frequent reminders to the reader that she’s absolutely fucking gorgeous?”

“Serious internalized self-hatred right there,” Evan said.

“'He got electrocuted a lot.’”

“JESUS CHRIST, THAT’S THE BEST LINE,” Evan laughed. “But 'my thoughts are ADHD’ is a close second.”

“Love the taste of the misrepresentation of mental illnesses on this Tuesday afternoon.”

“Dyslexia being cured by torture? Not classy, Amelia.”

“No, but Cuthbert offering 10K for her to date him? Very heterosexual and wonderfully idiotic. She should’ve taken it.”

“Icosakaicatrondeathitis.”

“OH MY GOD,” Jared yelled. “- _deathitis_ is the best part.”

“I dunno, I mean, I’m proud of this Amelia for looking up the name of a 21-sided polygon,” Evan said.

“True, true.”

Zoe and Alana came in then, the latter girl with two bags slung over one shoulder.

“Hey, homos,” Zoe greeted them, collapsing in a chair across from them.

“‘Sup, heteros,” Alana said, sitting down next to her girlfriend.

“The fuck did you call me?” Jared asked, deeply offended.

“‘I opened the door to find Harry with a knife at his throat’ because someone called him heterosexual, probably,” Evan joked.

“What?” The two girls asked in chorus.

Jared cracked up. “Okay, so me and Evan were reading the absolute shittiest fanfics we could find,” Jared began. “And we found this horrible HP fic written by a ten year old in Maine named Amelia. And the main character, Lily, is a part of the golden trio for an unknown reason and is deeply in love with Harry, who decided to commit suicide because Lily was going to die of Icosakaicatrondeathitis.”

“Me too, Amelia-from-Maine, me too,” Zoe said.

“Oh, and the villain, Draco, who’s an adult, god-knows-why, adopts Harry for half a book and abuses him. He ‘gently glides’ a knife across Harry’s back and he almost dies,” Evan said.

Alana snorted. “Me too, Amelia-from-Maine.”

“It’s amazing. Evan and I just read the whole thing; I’ll send you the link," Jared grinned.

“You’ll love it,” Evan said.

“Kaylin alert,” Alana said, eyes trained on the door.

Jared was already making contact with Evan in every possible place, which was gay, but they needed to gay Kaylin right out of the lunchroom.

Evan stood up from the bench seat and stared up at the ceiling for a second, before grinning. “Okay, you get on the table again ‘cause you're short—”

“Fuck you—”

“Kaylin thinks so.”

Jared rolled his eyes and sat on the table, not missing Zoe and Alana shooting each other what was probably a non-verbal ‘oh my god they’re at it again.’

Evan stepped closer to the table and Jared wrapped his legs around his waist, pulling him closer.

Evan was the one to kiss him, his lips tasting like peanut butter and chocolate and the pain of knowing you’ll be losing a friendship if you say how you feel. Jared had one hand on his back and the other on his hip. Evan had a hand on his chest and one in his hair. When Evan pulled his hair a little bit he had to fight back a whimper. The other boy laced the hand on Jared's chest through the hand Jared had previously had on his hip. Jared kissed him harder, slipping his tongue between his teeth, heartbeat racing faster and faster.

Kissing Evan was everything he thought it would be and more. It was passionate, and sweet, and overwhelming, and Jared wished he didn’t feel anything at all. That would be so much easier than wanting to pull him closer and kiss his neck and knowing he couldn’t.

Evan’s free hand tugged down the zipper of his sweater. The other boy was an amazing actor — he wanted to suggest he join a theatre team — the thought was so out of place that Jared felt like laughing and bit it back.

Jared pulled Evan closer, coaxing a gasp out of the other boy. His cheeks warmed when he realized how much he wanted to hear that sound again and again until he died.

When the other boy knotted his fingers in his hair and tugged, Jared decided it was time for him to fucking die. He was _not_ supposed to react. He was not supposed to feel anything.

He definitely was _not_ supposed to moan. And yet, here he was, barely holding back from moaning.

Evan pushed his sweatshirt off his shoulders, unlinking their hands to do so, and rested his now-free hand on Jared’s shoulder, under his shirt. Jared tugged the other boy’s hair — _it’s what he deserves for pulling mine_ , he reasoned — and nearly had another homosexual heart attack when the other boy let out an audible gasp.

_Jesus_

_Fucking_

_Christ_

His hands travelled to Evan’s hips and he carefully dug a thumb into his hip, just above the bone there, and didn't expect but greatly appreciated the way Evan bit his lip and tugged his hair a little bit.

Somewhere in the back of his mind he wondered how long it had been since they’d started kissing. 

He realized how cold he was when one of Evan’s hands ran down his arm and the other boy knitted his fingers in Jared’s and then he remembered, oh shit, there were very obviously new cuts on his wrist, shit shit shit.

He kissed Evan harder, not wanting him to realize or to stop kissing him and the other boy dragged a thumb along his jaw. Jared shivered.

The kiss lasted a couple more seconds, seconds that had Jared glad he was sitting because he was weak at the knees.

When they finally broke apart and Jared had collapsed back in his chair, right wrist resting against his stomach, Alana said, “When I first said that, Kaylin wasn’t even in here.”

“Oh my god,” Jared laughed-slash-screamed, cheeks burning. “Alana—”

“She’s here now,” Alana added. “Came in while you gays were making out. Looks completely crushed, too.”

“Good,” Jared said.

“If she didn’t I'd go over there and crush her myself,” Evan said lightly.

“I gotta ask,” Zoe said, kicking her feet up onto the table, “Why’d you date her? If you’re gay?”

Jared sighed and leaned against the wall. “Part of it was me trying one last time to be straight — I mean, it didn’t work in middle school, so I dunno why I tried, but I did — part of it was me trying to get over someone — part of it was just curiosity — it was mostly just me and my self-hatred, though.”

“You okay?” Zoe asked half-seriously. 

Jared laughed. “Funny one.” He ran a hand through his hair, remembered his wrist, and tucked it right against his stomach.

He couldn’t put his sweater on again without anyone seeing. He wondered if the girls had seen when he and Evan were making out.

Evan ran his fingers through Jared’s newly-cut hair. He’d still not quite gotten used to it, but it was growing on him. Pun completely intended.

“Gay,” Alana commented.

“This is bi erasure,” Evan said.

“I’m gay,” Jared said helpfully.

“Yes, Jared, we know. Do you want to talk about your feelings?” Alana joked.

“No,” he said.

“I do,” Evan said.

“I know, Evan,” Alana said.

“I’m sad.”

“I know, Evan.”

Zoe sighed. “Why are you sad, Evan?”

“I have depression, Zoe.”

“Me too, Evan,” Jared put in.

Alana scoffed, but she was smiling. “Check the group chat, we were being depressing.”

Jared and Evan both pulled their phones out.

**[Tuesday 5 June 13:02]**

**Chat: jared’s hand kink**

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Im gay and sad anyone relate

**Denim stars:** yep

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** I am veyr gay and very sad

**Denim stars:** thats a big mood???

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Love the girls, love the dying

**Denim stars:** im gay

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Im sad

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Gay

**Denim stars:** pan

**Denim stars:** sad

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Depression

**Denim stars:** yeah

 

Jared laughed and shook his head.

 

**COOL:** ok mood

 

**[Tuesday 5 June 14:19]**

**Chat: COOL and Denim stars**

**Denim stars:** u like him for real don't u

**COOL:** who?

**Denim stars:** lmao nice try

**Denim stars:** evan hansen. obviously

**COOL:** why do u say that

 

“Jared, you’re a one handed typer? I’m horrified,” Alana said from across the table. Jared used his free hand to flip her off.

 

**Denim stars:** holy fuck dude, you’ve fallen so hard for him. foR ONE all alana said was “kaylin’s here” and y'all started making out for like half an hour. secondly u gotta be blind to nOT see the looks u give evan all the fuckin’ time. u talk about him all the time. I saW how u were looking at him in the pool.  & you smile so much brighter when he’s there. im p sure u could be on ur deathbed and u’d see him and light up like mother hecking christmas lights

**COOL:** hhh

**Denim stars:** im right arent I

**COOL:** i’ve been in love w him since 7th grade, not that it’s any of ur business

**Denim stars:** ask him out u soggy mac &cheese

 

Jared glared at her. “Evan, can I insult Zoe?”

“I don’t know what she did but she definitely deserves it,” Evan said.

 

**Denim stars:** kinky

**COOL:** look zoe you’re that feeling when you’re painting your nails but the polish gets on your skin

**Denim stars:** sxfhdszlnjoij

**COOL:** anyway i'm not ruining my friendship w/ him so u can stop telling me to

**COOL:** alana’s been trying too, anyway, and she’s not succeeding either

**Denim stars:** thats the dumbest thing I've ever heard just do it

**Denim stars:** wrong chat?

**Denim stars:** but it applies

**COOL:** no.

 

Evan shook his head and glanced up from his phone. “This is why everyone says millennials are obsessed with their phones.”

“They’re not wrong,” Alana said. She lifted her phone and took a selfie with Zoe. “You nerds wanna get Dominos and ‘study’ for finals today?” She put “study” in air quotes. 

Evan nodded, as did Jared and Zoe. 

“Hell yeah,” Zoe said.

“Do you mean anything actually _close_ to studying or are you and Alana gonna go fuck in the bathroom again?” Jared asked.

“I dunno, babe, what do you think?” Zoe asked Alana, her face flat but breaking into laughter a second later.

“Shut up,” Alana said. “Let's go study. I love being a model student.”


	15. I love you more than Ben Platt loves Wicked bootlegs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gays and pickup lines???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: self harm
> 
> This is sO self indulgent,, I mean the whole fic is but,, this chapter in particular
> 
> It’s also so Soft I love it

 

Lyric: _You and I’ve been friends forever / I can think of something better / I’m just feeling low, feeling low / Even when you’re next to me / it’s not the way I’m picturing / no — Sleepover // Hayley Kiyoko_

* * *

**[Wednesday 6 June 02:42]**

**Chat: COOL and Acorn**

**COOL:** my guy my bro my man

**COOL:** I need to tell u something

**COOL:** *carly rae jespen voice* I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY LIKE YOU

**COOL:** jk jk

**COOL:** bruh I see u online /s

**Acorn:** Crj is gay culture

**COOL:** you’re so right op

**COOL:** ANy w a y what I was gonna say

**COOL:** remember saturday when I was sad™

**Acorn:** Yes ?? you okay ??

**COOL:** um

**COOL:** wait before I say Serious Things

**COOL:** did u know when i was a sophomore I referred to gym class as “practice for being a top”

**Acorn:** JSDFKJFKJN

**COOL:** honestly???my most iconic moment

**COOL:** anyway I'm stalling

**COOL:** oof my guy idk how to communicate

**COOL:** so u know how id been clean since last april???

**COOL:** //finger guns//

**COOL:** note the past tense

**COOL:** i was gonna just keep it a secret but it was making me Want To Die and i just,,

**COOL:** had to tell someone????????????

**COOL:** so now I've been clean for 2 days //overenthusiastic suicidal finger guns//

**COOL:** u gotta answer my guy I have anxiety

**Acorn:** fuCk

**Acorn:** Im sorry my guy

**Acorn:** im sorry I'm sorry I didn't notice

**COOL:** it’s not your fault I was hiding it it’s okay

**Acorn:** Ssorry

**COOL:** I s2g you’d find a way to blame urself for the war in syria

**Acorn:** I mean

**Acorn:** Yeah

**Acorn:** If I tried hard enough 

**COOL:** jesus christ my guy

**COOL:** it’s not ur fault end of story

**COOL:** have u been up all night???

**Acorn:** Yeah I can't sleep 

**Acorn:** We have midterms in like two weeks 

**Acorn:** And my mom’s not got enough money to keep me at home for the summer I don't think

**Acorn:** And I don't have a job anymore

**Acorn:** So I've been watching macdoesit videos all night

**COOL:** hh I have nowhere to stay either

**COOL:** my dad? not chill w/ having a gay kid in his house

**COOL:** my mom? lives with my dad.

**COOL:** Guess I’ll Die

**Acorn:** Hey we can be homeless together ???

**COOL:** lmao sounds good

**Acorn:** Ahggvhg America is Bad and I don't like it

**COOL:** ok mood

**Acorn:** So u can say no to this

**COOL:** *Alexander hamilton voice*

**Acorn:** Jkjsdnflkjvnksjj

**Acorn:** But

**Acorn:** Do u want to maybe come over ??

**COOL:** hells yeah

 

He sat up, flicking on his light and shoving his feet into his sneakers.

 

**Acorn:** You sure ???

**COOL:** Evan for the last fucking time im ur friend and I enjoy being in your presence

 

He shook his head and contemplated bringing a sweater. He would, but it was 66ºF and would only get hotter as the night went on… maybe it’d get to 69º, yeah, that would be hot.

…He was _such_ a mature person.

He opted not to bring a sweater and shoved a change of clothes in his bag before stepping out and taking the stairs down to the lobby.

 

**Acorn:** Thanks

**COOL:** np my guy we are Pals and Bros

**Acorn:** Gay

**COOL:** thanks 

**Acorn:** Ur so welcome

 

Jared shook his head, smiling, and stepped out into the night. The air was warm and sticky. He walked down the road between their dorms, nodding his head to the song that was playing — Attention by Charlie Puth.

 

**COOL:** fun fact it’s fuckign hot out here

**COOL:** @ the weather: why u like this

**Acorn:** Global warming

**COOL:** okay true

**COOL:** no wait — pickup line — global warming aint the only hot thing in the room

**Acorn:** KJDSHFKJDHSJF

**Acorn:** I'm angry bc that would work on me

**COOL:** it’s true tho no homo

**Acorn:** Idk man seems pretty gay to me

**COOL:** well I'm pretty gay

**COOL:** so

**Acorn:** *straight person voice* gay people don't talk about being gay that often

**COOL:** *wakes up in the morning* WOW I AM SO GAY

**Acorn:** *goes to breakfast* HELLO PANCAKES IM BISEXUAL

**COOL:** *enters classroom* wow look at all the hot dudes

**Acorn:** *breathes* this oxygen is lucky to have been absorbed by my queer lungs

**COOL:** ok mood

**COOL:** *eats lunch at SUBway or DOMinos*

**Acorn:** KJSGDFKVSHDFN BEST MEME

**COOL:** *doing my homeworm* I hope my teachers know a gay person touched this paper

**Acorn:** Homeworm

**Acorn:** *looks at memes* other people are gay

**COOL:** *goes to sleep* gay night, gay dreams, see u in the gay morning

 

He pushed open the door to Evan’s dorm building and hurried down the hall.

He knocked on the door and Evan answered, looking like a beautiful fucking angel.

“Are you global temperatures? ‘Cause you just keep getting hotter.”

Evan snorted. “You must be Antarctica’s ice glaciers — very hot for something so cool.”

Jared shook his head. “ _No_. Only thing hotter than global temperatures? Men who respect women.”

“You’re so right, OP. Are you the opposite of the Heathers reboot? Because people of all political parties love you.”

“The Heathers reboot is stupid and I hate it. Your beauty is more illegal than the second half of the Be More Chill bootleg.”

Evan laughed. “Oh yeah? Well, words to explain _your_ beauty are more non-existent than the healthy romance between Erik and Christine.”

Jared perched on his desk. “I love you more than Ben Platt loves Wicked bootlegs.”

“You win,” Evan said, closing the door. “No one loves _anything_ more than Ben Platt loves Wicked bootlegs.”

“I love him,” Jared said. “What a legend. Ben, if you’re listening, I love you.”

Evan laughed. It was a beautiful sound. “Me too, me too.”

Jared smiled. “Everyone loves Ben Platt.”

“That’s the name of my autobiography.”

“Can I have a signed copy?”

“Hell yeah.” Evan sighed and tugged at the sleeve of his t-shirt.

Now that Jared was looking, he noticed Evan looked particularly beautiful that night. He was wearing dark blue running shorts and a yellow Hufflepuff tank top. It wasn't a special outfit or anything, but… something about his hair in the moonlight that shone through the window and the way his clothes hung off his body was extraordinarily attractive. Jared wanted to take three steps over and kiss him until he forgot his name.

“Want to try to sleep for once?” Evan asked.

“I've never slept a day in my life. Sure,” Jared said. _Do I want to be close to you for an extended amount of time_? _Oh hell yeah_.

“All right,” said Evan.

Jared sighed. 

“Left side or right?” Evan asked.

“Whichever you—”

“Jared.”

“Left,” he said quickly. _I was going to argue, goddamnit_ — 

He couldn’t argue when Evan used that voice. He _really_ hoped Evan hadn't figured that out yet.

“All right,” Evan said. 

Jared cannonballed onto the bed, flinging his glasses onto the bedside table. Evan got on a second later and the bed sank.

_I want to kiss you so bad I can barely speak_ , he wanted to say. _I want to spend every night with you. I want to wake up next to you every morning. I want to hold your hands in grocery stores and kiss you when we’re alone. I want you. I don’t want to lie anymore_.

“Good night,” he smiled instead.

“G’night,” Evan mumbled back, throwing an arm over Jared — gay — and pulling him closer — _gay_.

The lights switched off a second later — _how the fuck_ — and Jared tried not to press himself closer to Evan, but his heart didn’t listen, and neither did his body, and a second later he’d pressed himself even closer, his back against Evan's chest.

Evan didn’t seem to mind; he pressed his face into Jared’s hair and _god_ , Jared just wanted to kiss him.

He hadn’t prayed for years, but he found himself praying _God, please give me some self control_.

_All I want to do is kiss you for the rest of the night. I don’t need sleep when I'm high off you. You're so beautiful and it hurts so much._

_This is all fake. This is all just to get Kaylin away from me._

_But Jesus I wish it could be more._

_I wish it could be real_.

+++

His first thought upon waking up was _We could never be real_.

Well, his _first_ thought was _No one visits my sanctuary anymore_ , and his second was _Wait, what the fuck, I don’t have a sanctuary_ , but the third and first one that mattered was _We could never be real_.

He sighed and opened his eyes. The sun shone into Evan’s room. If he had to guess, he’d say it was around nine or ten. Evan’s arm was warm around him and he found himself slowly drifting back to sleep.

+++

He woke up again probably an hour later and he wished he could pretend it would be okay to kiss Evan awake, but he couldn’t and he wouldn’t. So he turned around in Evan's arms.

The other boy was beautiful as ever. His eyelashes rested on his cheeks and a lock of hair had fallen over one eye. His freckles were more prominent up close, and Jared was pretty sure he’d gained new ones since the last time he’d really looked.

His lips looked soft still. Jared wanted to kiss him. They were so close, and he could always claim it was an accident, right?

He didn’t do it.

Instead he drifted off to sleep again, burying his head in Evan’s chest.

+++

Jared woke up a third time and propped himself up, looking down at his sleeping not-boyfriend.

He glanced at the clock, knowing he wouldn’t get to sleep. 11:21AM.

Jared ran a hand through the other boy’s hair, hoping it would wake him up, because he really didn’t know how.

It worked. A couple seconds later, seconds with which Jared used to slide back enough to appease the No Homo gods, Evan’s eyes flickered open, blue meeting mostly-blue.

“G’morning,” Evan mumbled.

“Gay morning,” Jared responded. 

Evan smiled. “Gay morning.”

The two of them smiled at each other.

_I want to kiss you forever._

“Wanna get food?” Jared asked.

“When he says those three words that melt your heart. Yes, I do.”


	16. monochrome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which jared makes mistakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow this was hard to write
> 
> tw: /really/ bad coping mechanisms, drinking, smoking, and not-really-dubcon but bad decisions are made that have to do with sex??

 

_I wanna drink until I ache / I wanna make a big mistake / I want blood, guts, and angel cake / I’m gonna puke it anyway — Teen Idle // Mariana and the diamonds_

* * *

Jared was drunk off his ass.

There was no nicer way to put it. He was sitting in his room on a Thursday night clad in black shorts and a t-shirt, shit-faced.

It was barely past ten. He’d had a lot to drink.

He could only think of Evan and it was tearing him apart.

Evan and his stupid motherfucking smile and his stupid goddamn laugh and his stupid fucking voice and his stupid hands and his stupid lips and his stupid thighs and his stupid stutter.

Evan, Evan, Evan. His name was a prayer searing through his mind.

He’d warded the thoughts out for so long but they were back and goddamnit he couldn’t do anything about anything anymore.

_I can't pretend anymore._

_I can’t keep waking up to his smile and pretend I don’t love him the way I do._

_How did someone like me end up friends with someone like you?_

_You’ll never care the way I do._

_I just want to feel loved for once._

_He won’t ever see me the way I see him. We’ll just keep going forever and he’ll see me but never really see me, cause he’s on the other side of some line or gate or glass, and I can’t get through. People like me can’t get through. I’m on the outside looking in and I can’t get through and no one sees me._

_I’m sorry that I care so much about you._

_I bet he doesn’t even think of me._

_I don’t know why I love him —_

_I know why I love him —_

_I know why he doesn’t love me._

_Because I am_ _worthless broken stupid lazy cruel_ _unworthy_

_He is the only person who could destroy me._

_And he has._

_IF I STAY HIS FRIEND I WILL FUCK EVERYTHING UP, I WILL MAKE IT WEIRD, I WILL PUSH IT ALL TOO FAR AND THEN HE WON’T BE ABLE TO BE MY FRIEND AT ALL. I AM TOXIC. I HAVE TO LEAVE HIM._

He could feel his heart caving in on itself, bit by bit.

The lying was killing him slowly, one lie at a time, one kiss, one smile.

All he ever did was hurt people and run from the consequences. All he ever did was lie and pretend nothing was wrong. All he did was hide and lie to himself.

_IT’S FOR HIS OWN GOOD. I HAVE TO LEAVE I HAVE TO LEAVE I HAVE TO LEAVE_

**[Thursday 7 June 22:08]**

**Chat: COOL and Acorn**

**[draft] COOL:** I fucking love you

**[draft] COOL:** I fucking hate you

**[draft] COOL:** why are yyouso perfect

**[draft] COOL:** I llove you so much

**[draft] COOL:** I love you so much I have to leave so I don't get hurt you

**[draft] COOL:** I am ppppoison pleas leabe me before I'm to late

**[draft] COOL:** I'm drink off my face rn

**[draft] COOL:** evan

**[draft] COOL:** eva n i love you so. much

**[draft] COOL:** I don't want to do hthis

**[draft] COOL:** evan I love you so much and I have to leave you

**[draft] COOL:** look I should explain

**[draft] COOL:** look I love you

**[draft] COOL:** evan if I stay I will hurt you so I have to leave I'm sorry

**[draft] COOL:** Evan I????????love you so much I'm sorry I have to leave

**[draft] COOL:** evan this isn't your fault but

**[draft] COOL:** I LOVE YOU SO MUCH U STUPOD IDIPT

**[draft] COOL:** evan I'm sorry to do this I'm so sorry but 

**[draft] COOL:** I hurt everyone I touch

**[20 drafts deleted]**

**[draft] COOL:** evan you mean the world to me which is why I have to leave

**[draft] COOL:** I'm drunk but you’

**[draft] COOL:** evan this is so hard to say but I 

**[draft] COOL:** evan I love you more than myself

**[draft] COOL:** evan you’re

**[draft] COOL:** you mean so much to me

**[draft] COOL:** evan this isn’t your fault I’m sorry it’s just I hurt everyone/everything/anyone I touch

**[draft] COOL:** evan I 

**[draft] COOL:** it’s

**[draft] COOL:** Evan I care so much about you and I hope u realize that

**[draft] COOL:** Evan I care so much about you and I hope u realize that but it’s becuase I care that I have to leave

**[draft] COOL:** it’s 10pm and I’m drunk as ufckc

**[draft] COOL:** evan you mean the world to me but I care so much about you — I care too much about you,, all I can do is hurt people and I don't want to hurt you next

**[draft] COOL:** hey evan?? You mean the world to me,, I care so much about u,, too much. All I do is hurt people and I can't hurt you next so I have to leave

**[draft] COOL:** evan?? 

**[draft] COOL:** hey evan, you’re everything to me and I wanted you to know before I tell u,, I care about u far too much to stay;; I hurt everyone I touch and jesus I cannot hurt you next I cANT DO THAT so please I'm so sorry lease don't hate me but i have to leave so I don't hurt you

**[draft] COOL:** ev?? You mean everything to me and I love u and i wanted to tell u,,, I care so much about you?? Far too much to stay;;; I hurt everyone I touch and I can't hurt u next,, i cANT DO THAT So please,, I'm so sorry please don't hate me forever but I want to keep you safe from me,, I love you so I have to leave you

 

**COOL:** hey ev?? i’m shitface drunk at 10pm so that’s cool but,, you mean everything to me and I love u and i wanted to tell u,,, I care so much about you?? far too much to stay. I hurt everyone I touch and I can't hurt u next,, i cANT DO THAT So please,, I'm so sorry please don't hate me, or do, bc well, at some point u wld start to anyway, but I want to keep you safe from me,, I love you so I have to leave you

 

The second he sent it he began to sob, dry-heaving into his arms, tears spilling out like a waterfall of hurt.

Evan’s response came a couple minutes later.

 

**[Thursday 7 June 22:20]**

**Acorn:** jared please tell me this is some weird cruel joke

**Acorn:** plesae don't leave

**COOL:** im sorry

**COOL:** evan i love you so much I cnt hurt you too i'm sorry I rleally am but 'm nt good for u

**COOL:** or anyone

**COOL:** I love you

**COOL:** im sorry

**Acorn:** jared

 

He turned his phone off and chugged another glass of beer. And another, and another, and another.

He drank until he passed out.

He couldn’t do this anymore.

+++

**04:02 AM**

**Notifications:**

**[22:31]**

**Acorn:** jared please odnt leave

**Acorn:** jared I care so cmcuh ab… **[slide for more]**

**[23:08]**

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Jared what the fuck d… **[slide for more]**

**500 bees in a trenchcoat** : Evan showed up at m… **[slide for more]**

**[23:15]**

**Denim stars:** u better have a g… **[slide for more]**

**[01:15]**

**Acorn:** I love you too

 

His head ached so much.

**[Thursday 7 June 22:31]**

**Chat: COOL and Acorn**

**Acorn:** jared please odnt leave

**Acorn:** jared I care so cmcuh about you please dont do this 

**[Thursday 7 June 23:08]**

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Jared what the fuck did you do???

**500 bees in a trenchcoat** : Evan showed up at my house at eleven pm in tears saying you left him and I don't know whats going on but if you really loved him you’d not have left. Like I know you can be a dick but this is super fucking low, jared. You better get your shit together and apologize or I will personally come over there and punch you in the jaw

**[Thursday 7 June 23:15]**

**Denim stars:** u better have a good explanation as to why Evan is currently in tears in our kitchen — I don't care how fucking drunk you are — what the fuck, jared. what the fuck

**[Friday 8 June 01:15]**

**Acorn:** I love you too

 

Oh, Jesus Christ.

He hadn’t—

He had.

He took another long swig of beer and went back to sleep.

+++

He didn’t move from his position on the floor that day, too dehydrated and hungover to care. After a day of floating in and out of sleep, occasionally drinking water, he managed to realize the enormity of what he’d done.

+++

He found Kaylin outside of the Stevenson building smoking a cigarette.

“Hey,” he said.

“Don’t _hey_ me,” she sneered.

“Sorry,” he replied.

They were quiet for a couple moments.

“Why are you here?" Kaylin asked.

“I fucked up. Needed to get my mind off things.”

“How’d you fuck up this time?” She asked.

“Broke up with Evan. All my friends are mad at me. Got drunk and passed out. Whatever. The usual.”

“Damn. That's a next-level fuckup,” said Kaylin. She never was one to mince words.

He stayed quiet.

“So what do you want?”

“Don’t know.”

Smoke left the girl’s lips. “Tell you what. We go back to my apartment, get a little drunk, a little high, have sex, you fall asleep in my kitchen, and in the morning we pretend it never happened.”

“Sounds good," Jared said.

He couldn’t sink much lower than this.

“For the record, this doesn’t mean I care about you,” Kaylin aded.

“It’s mutual,” Jared sighed.

They started to walk back. Jared’s heart beat in monochrome.

His phone buzzed.

**[18:14]**

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Dude the hell’s goin… **[slide for more]**

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** You leave evan and … **[slide for more]**

He ignored it.

They got back to Kaylin’s apartment. The walls were beige and the curtains pink. Just how he remembered.

Walking into her room was like walking to the guillotine. He didn’t care.

“I never really loved you," Kaylin said.

“Again, it’s mutual.”

He couldn’t bring himself to feel anything.

She pressed him against the wall. Her breath tasted like cigarettes. His felt like bleach.

Her lips were poisoned knives. He didn’t care.

He was living in monochrome. He was drinking bleach with every kiss. Evan had stained his colourless heart with gold and he couldn’t go back to ashen blood in his veins.


	17. start a fight (‘cause you need to feel something)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Jared makes more (exponentially more dangerous) mistakes, and makes new gay friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: violence, 2 mentions of the f slur, “queer” used as a slur, graphic descriptions of violence, blood, self harm, homophobia, transphobia, poverty, homelessness, child abuse mention, implied involuntary sex work???, drug use mention
> 
> this wasn't supposed to get this dark

 

_My body’s talking to me / it says / time for danger / I wanna commit a crime / I wanna be the cause of a fight —_ _RENT_

* * *

Jared was wandering around New York City.

His rage was insidious. It had began slowly and built up on itself. All he wanted was to _hurt_. All he wanted was to feel something.

He’d fucked up.

A cigarette was hanging out of his mouth unlit. Not to make a statement. Just because he didn’t have a lighter.

His phone had been buzzing and he’d been ignoring it.

Five people — teens, probably? All with dyed hair and piercings — sat outside a building sharing a pizza. One was smoking weed. Two of them were making out. One had bright pink hair and was wearing a gay pride crop top. Jared nodded to them and kept walking. He wouldn’t pick a fight with the gay teenagers on the sidewalks.

He was looking for thugs — although “thug” wasn’t really the word he was looking for, due to its racist and classist connotations.

No, he was just looking for an asshole with fists.

It took him another fifteen minutes, but he found a bar and two men outside it, obviously drunk.

One of them shot the f-slur at him, waving a fist in his general direction. _So the pride pin_ had _been a good way to pick a fight_ , he contemplated.

“Fuck you,” he said.

“Fucking f*****,” the second man said.

“What’re you gonna do about it?” He asked.

“Hear that, 80? He wants to know what we’re gonna do about it.” Eighty? Maybe AD? Or A-dee? It didn't matter.

“Punch the queer right out of him," the other man said.

80’s fist connected with his jaw and he’d never felt this alive before.

Had it broken or just bruised? More importantly, why should he care?

He punched 80 in the nose and turned to the other man.

“Get him, Vissarionovich,” 80 said.

“Kinda fuck name is Vissarionovich?” Jared managed to ask before receiving a punch to the ribcage.

Oh, Jesus, that hurt.

He deserved it.

“I've never punched someone this talkative during a fight,” 80 said.

Vissarionovich punched him in the mouth and smirked at 80. “Better?”

“Definitely.”

“That’s gay,” Jared said. Blood dripped down his chin. His lip had split and he was willing to bet a tooth had been jolted out of place.

80 grabbed one of his arms and twisted it behind his back as Vissarionovich delivered a punch to his ribcage again.

_That's enough fun for today_ , he decided, his free arm snaking up to his shirt where his pride pin was. He jabbed it into 80’s arm and then Vissarionovich’s face, turning and bolting as fast as he could considering how much pain he was in.

He reached the teens with the piercings soon after he began running and one stopped him.

“Yo, man, you’re a mess. Sit down,” they said.

Jared looked them over. Blue hair, androgynous clothes, and dark skin. Their ears were stretched out with the earring things — Jared couldn’t remember the word for them.

He sat, crossing his legs and coughing.

“The hell happened to you?” Another teen asked. This one had long, bright pink hair and a little bit of scruff. Their left eyebrow was pierced.

“Got in a fight,” he said.

“I’m KitKat," said Blue Hair. “They/them.”

“Grace over here. She or they,” said Pink Hair.

“Jared, he/him,” Jared introduced himself.

“I'm Winter,” said a teen with a bright green undercut. “He/him.” The boy’s lip was pierced and he had a trans pride flag drawn on his cheek.

“Sam, they/them,” said another kid. This one had chin-length lavender hair and piercings all over their face. 

“I'm Vic. Ze/hir,” said the last teen. Ze had hir hair dyed in the colours of the nonbinary pride flag.

“What’d you get in a fight for?” Grace asked.

“I picked one with some homophobes,” he shrugged. “Not the best choice I've ever made.”

Winter began digging through a bag as Sam handed him a slice of pizza. Their wrist was scarred with cuts and burn marks.

“Thanks,” he said.

Winter pulled out a black bag and cheered. “Yeah boy! I found it. Okay, where are you hurt? Besides everywhere,” he amended, glancing over Jared.

“Uh," Jared focused on where the pain was radiating from. “My jaw, my ribs, my left arm, and my lip. Maybe one of my teeth.”

“Jesus Christ,” Winter said. He kicked a leg up, cargo shorts falling down and revealing scars, pulling a pack of cigarettes out of a hidden pocket and handing one to Grace. “Wanna tell your life story to the weird gay teens on the street?” 

“Why the hell not?” Jared sighed. Winter bounced over and opened the bag, which turned out to be a first aid kit. He began cleaning his face, wiping up the blood and shaking his head.

“Well. I'm Jared, I already said that.”

“What’s your star sign?” Grace asked.

“Aries cusp-Taurus,” he said. “So. I was raised Jewish and my parents were very homophobic and I am very gay.”

“Big mood,” said Sam. “Continue.”

“I had a long tragic backstory that I'm not going to bother explaining because it’s not all relevant — just for a quick overview: bulimia, self harm, suicide attempts, insecurities, and gay. Anyway, I’ve been in love with this guy since seventh grade, right?”

“The biggest mood in the god damn world,” Winter said. He was taping something on Jared’s face, probably a bandage.

“His name’s Evan and he loves trees and I’m very gay.”

“Is he as short as you?” Grace joked, then said, “Okay, maybe bad taste? I’m self conscious of my height.”

“It’s fine. And I'm four-foot-ten in case anyone was wondering. And he’s six-one.”

“I'm six-five,” Grace said.

“Let’s switch,” Jared said. “Anyway, back to gay. Uh, I had this abusive girlfriend Kaylin — broke up with her, told her I was gay, she didn’t believe me. So Evan offered to help by fake dating me. So we’ve been ‘dating’ since mid-May and _holy_ _fuck_. It hurts but it feels so good, you know? Well last weekend I went to a concert, Troye Sivan—”

“I WENT TO THAT,” KitKat said.

“I went with them,” Vic added. “But continue.”

“It was a great time, very gay, I loved it. But the next morning I zoned out so fucking bad — depression spiral, activate, ya know? — And I could barely get out of bed. He was so sweet, you know? Helped me do things? That afternoon I took a shower and relapsed for the first time in over a year. Fun times. He's always been there for me when I needed him and he was then, too. Well, on Thursday night I got shitface drunk and might’ve maybe broken up with him over text. I was trying to tell him, like, ‘I don’t want to hurt you,’ ‘I hurt everyone I touch' kinda thing. Maybe a little stupid of me, but it’s true, and if he knew how I felt about him—! God, he’d leave me so fast. Apparently he showed up at my friends’ house crying and both of them texted me like ‘what the fuck, Jared.’ I haven’t responded yet. I went out and found Kaylin and got high and had sex. Still not straight. Still not any less in love with him. That was yesterday. I've felt numb ever since so I decided to go get in a fight. It worked.”

“Jesus fuckin’ Christ, dude, you’re a mess,” said KitKat. They handed something to Winter — a bandage wrap?

“For your arm,” Winter said upon seeing his confusion.

“Oh,” said Jared. 

He wrapped it around his arm and he sighed. “This may have been a bad idea.”

“Look, dude,” Vic said. “I'm not in a place to judge. I’ve been homeless since fourteen. Was on heroin for a year. Got into college but will be in debt for years. But you fucked up big-time,” ze said. “Wish I could tell you something different. But you gotta call up this Evan dude, talk to him.”

“He’s got a phone phobia,” Jared mumbled.

Vic groaned. “Text him or whatever, you know what I mean. You gotta make this right.”

“Shit, man," Grace laughed. “You’re so in love with him.”

“…Is it really that obvious?”

“Yeah,” said Winter. He put a bandage on Jared’s lip and handed him a water bottle. “Rinse your mouth out so I can check your teeth and make sure they’re relatively straight — don’t _fucking_ make a pun.”

“Damn it,” Jared said, but he did it, swallowing the metallic blood that coated his mouth.

“Open your mouth. No homo,” Winter said.

He did and the other boy tilted his head, squinting.

“You might’ve knocked one out of place a little, but they’re all still there,” he said. “Now your ribs. I really don’t know what to do about that.”

“Strip show time,” KitKat said dryly.

“Yeah, bro, I’m gonna need to see your ribs,” Winter said. 

“Strip show, strip show,” Grace chanted.

“Mature,” said Sam.

Jared laughed and pulled his shirt over his head, smile disappearing completely when he felt the stabbing pain in his ribs.

“Oh, God," said Winter.

“Is it bad?”

“Shit, dude, okay,” Winter said. He gritted his teeth. “You’ve got a bruise and probably a bone contusion too. Those guys hit you hard.”

“I deserve it,” he shrugged. He hadn’t felt sadness until just then but he felt the sudden, overwhelming need to cry.

“You’re wrong and also stupid,” Grace said. She pulled her sleeve up, exposing a long burn scar running up her forearm. “Think I deserved it when my parents did this, just ‘cause I'm a girl?”

“ _No_.”

“And you don’t deserve to be punched in the ribs because you made a mistake while drunk off your ass.”

“Whatever,” Jared sighed. “Just — what do I do?”

“You wanna go to a hospital?” Winter asked.

“Not particularly. Bad experience,” he said, recalling his panic attack at Denny’s.

“You probably should,” Sam said. “But if you don’t want to, you don't have to. Any of your friends studying medicine?”

“Alana is,” he said.

“Go find Alana and ask her for help,” Sam said.

“See, she’s pissed at me for what I did to Evan. Her girlfriend Zoe is too. And that’s… pretty much all my friends.”

“Damn,” said Vic. “I see your problem.”

“Yeah," Jared said. “And finals are in two weeks and Evan and I were going to study together — and then school ends and I don’t have anywhere to go home to and neither does he.”

“Oh, shit,” said Grace.

“Mood though,” said Winter. “Her and Vic and Sam have been living on the streets 'cause they can’t afford dorms and can’t go home. Me and KitKat are juniors in high school and we got kicked out.”

“Shit,” said Jared. “Wish I could help.”

“It’s fine,” said Vic. “My days of prostitution and drug dealing are mostly over. I got a job at Burger King — hit me up over on 55th, you can get a friends and family discount! — The rest of us are working on getting jobs so we can get an apartment.”

“Can I have your number?” KitKat asked. “I'll make a group chat. Once you and Evan get together, add him too.”

“Sure,” said Jared, giving them his number. His phone vibrated a second later.

**[00:12]**

**KitKat is queer added you to a group chat**

He noticed a couple other notifications and ignored them, not wanting to deal with it at that moment.

“So,” said Grace. “What’re you gonna do?”

“The right thing,” he said dramatically.

Grace wasn’t buying it. “Which is what?”

He sighed. “…I gotta talk to Evan, don't I?”

“Yep.”

“I'll be your proofreader if you want," KitKat said.

“Sure,” said Jared.

He clicked open his phone.

**[ 15 UNREAD MESSAGES ]**

Accepting his doom, he opened it, and clicked on the group chat.

**[Friday 8 June 11:14]**

**Chat: jared’s hand kink**

**Denim stars has changed their name to #justiceforevan**

**#justiceforevan:** Jared what the Fuck

**#justiceforevan:** im bouta go over there and slap u

**#justiceforevan:** im giving u one day to get over ur hangover  & then I expect u to apologize to evan.

**[Friday 8 June 12:08]**

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Dude you gotta apologize

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Evan is currently crying in the bathroom

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** He's been crying for an hour

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Won’t stop saying no one will ever love him

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Not to be rude but it’s your fucking fault

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** I hope u have a VERY good explanation

**[Saturday 9 June 16:09]**

**Acorn:** Why aren't u in ur dorm?? Alana’s been looking for u all day

**[Saturday 9 June 21:01]**

**#justiceforevan:** Jared I s2g

**#justiceforevan:** where in the fucks are you???

**[Saturday 9 June 23:49]**

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Seriously if u don’t respond within the next few hours I'm going to assume something seriously bad’s happened

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** You leave Evan and then 2 days of pure silence??? It’s not like you.

**[Saturday 9 June 23:57]**

**Acorn:** I hope you're doing okay

 

“Jesus Christ,” he mumbled.

“Acorn is Evan?" Winter asked.

“Yeah.”

“Okay,” said KitKat. “You write out an apology and I’ll tweak it or whatever.”

 

**[Sunday 10 June 00:14]**

**[draft] COOL:** hey guys so I might have fucke dup

 

“No,” KitKat said.

 

**[draft] COOL:** I fucked up

 

“ _No_.”

 

**[draft] COOL:** sometimes u run into gay teenagers on the street and they convince u to

 

“ _Absolutely not_ ,” KitKat said.

 

 **[draft] COOL:** y’all deserve an apology and also an explanation (especially u evan) but first lemme just say I did a Very Bad Thing and im so sorry,,,, I'm gonna work backwards bc ???,, currently I'm sitting on a sidewalk with bruised ribs and a split lip, eating pizza with five gay teenagers. one of whom, KitKat, is currently reading over my shoulder suggesting edits, I got in a fight with a couple assholes to drown my regrets of Netflix and chilling with Kaylin, which I did to drown my regrets of fucking up bIG TIme,, and u dont have to forgive me or talk to me again because I seriously fucked up but,, wow these are words I thought id never type,, this part’s directly to evan: remember when we were at five guys and I said i'd been in love with you since seventh grade? I wasnt makignit up there isnt any good way for me to explain why I treated you the way I did because none of it was okay i felt like if you knew, uyoud be disgusted with me? sso I hid it nd lied and prtended it was all okay but I felt if I kept being your friend/pretending to date you/falling in love with you id fuck it all up and push it too far and then we’d not be able to be friends at all??so I left which was fuckign cowardly and stupid bc you're the best thing thats ever happened to me  
now to alana and zoe,, sorry I ignored your texts, sorry I left without an explanation, sorry i’ll probably come  
im sorry

 

“Much better,” said KitKat as Jared wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.

“Should I just send this?”

“No, we’re editing,” said KitKat.

“Get in loser, we’re editing,” Winter joked.

Jared sighed. “Okay.”

 

 **[draft] COOL:** y’all deserve an apology and also an explanation (especially u evan),,, I did a Very Bad Thing and im so sorry,,,, currently I'm sitting on a sidewalk with bruised ribs and a split lip, eating pizza with five gay teenagers. one of whom, kitkat, is currently reading over my shoulder suggesting edits. and u dont have to forgive me or talk to me again because I seriously fucked up. but,, wow these are words I thought id never type,, this part’s directly to evan: remember when we were at five guys and I said i'd been in love with you since seventh grade? I wasnt making it up. there isnt any good way for me to explain why I treated you the way I did because none of it was okay. i felt like if you knew, youd be disgusted with me? so I hid it  & lied & pretended it was all okay. but I felt if I kept being your friend/pretending to date you/falling in love with you id fuck it all up and push it too far and then we’d not be able to be friends at all??so I left. which was fucking cowardly and stupid bc you're the best thing thats ever happened to me.   
and to alana and zoe:,, sorry I ignored your texts, sorry I left without an explanation, sorry i’ll probably come running back asking for medical care because i've got a bruised rib or twelve.  
im sorry

 

“Good,” said KitKat.

“Hit send for me?” Jared asked.

They did.

“And now we wait,” Winter said.

It was rather anticlimactic. There was no montage, no suspenseful music.

After a couple seconds Jared reached out and took another slice of pizza, wincing at his hurt ribs.

“I'll tell you if it dings,” said Vic when ze saw him staring anxiously at the phone.

Sam sighed, running their fingers through their lavender hair. “Wanna tell us about this Evan?”

“I want to tell the _whole fucking world_ about Evan,” Jared sighed. “He’s got blonde hair and it’s long and wavy and I constantly want to run my fingers through it. His eyes are blue and I could probably look into them forever. He’s tall so whenever I kissed him — fake dating, remember? — he'd put me on tables and stuff. His hands? A gift from God, honestly. That’s why he named the group chat ‘Jared’s hand kink.’ Well, he didn’t know it was about him and I don’t — Well. Anyway. He’s really smart and knows a lot about trees. Like, a weird amount. It’s really cute. He’s—”

“Jared,” said Vic, handing him his phone.

“Fuck,” he said. He bit his lip and clicked open his phone.

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** …gay

“Alana, oh my god.”

Another text came though as he said it.

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Im getting Evan

“ _Fuck_ ," he said again.

He stared at the phone as three dots appeared by Evan’s name, taunting him, before:

**Acorn:** How close are u to home??

**COOL:** half hour of walking??

**Acorn:** Where

**COOL:** behind the walmart on 65th

**Acorn:** I'm there

**Acorn:** Tell ur new gay friends i'm omw

“Evan wants me to tell my ‘new gay friends’ that he’s coming.”

“It’s like the world’s best sitcom,” Grace said. “Seriously, though? You’ll be fine.”

Jared leaned back, bracing his palms against the concrete. “And now, we wait.”


	18. you and I were fireworks that went off too soon (and I miss you in the june gloom too)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan always had looked gorgeous under multicoloured lights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: self harm cuts/scars mentioned, jokes about said self harm as a coping mechanism?, mentions of violence
> 
> This is so gay!!!!!!

 

_When the smoke is in your eyes, you look so alive — fallingforyou // the 1975_

* * *

“Stop hyperventilating, it’s making me anxious,” said Winter.

“I'm not hyperventilating,” he said.

“Breathe,” said Vic. “Have some water.” Ze offered hir water bottle to him and he accepted, chugging some and then pulling a 20-dollar bill out of his pocket. 

“Buy yourself something nice,” he joked. His hands were shaking.

Ze took the money, shaking hir head. “Family and friends discount at BK, remember,” ze said.

KitKat looked up from their phone. “I hear a car.”

Jared heard it a second later and wanted to scream “fuck” at the top of his lungs. Unfortunately for him, that wasn’t considered “socially acceptable.”

The car slid to a stop and yep, that was Evan at the wheel, and Zoe next to him, and he’d bet his ass that Alana was in the back.

The door came to a stop and he stood up jerkily, like the lovesick idiot he was.

“Shit, dude, you okay?” Evan asked the second he stepped out of the car.

Jared laughed awkwardly, dragging a hand through his hair. “No, not really?”

Alana stepped out of the backseat — he’d been right — and opened Zoe’s door for her.

“All right,” said the taller girl. “I'm Alana and I’m very a lesbian.”

“Mood,” said Grace. “I'm Grace and I’m also very a lesbian.”

“I’m Sam, I'm pan, and I use they/them,” said Sam.

“I’m KitKat, they/them, also pan,” said KitKat.

“You’re the proofreader,” Evan recalled, smiling.

So he’d read that closely.

_Fuck_.

“I’m Winter, he/him, and furiously bisexual.”

“I’m just a _furious_ bisexual,” Evan joked.

“I know I’m OP but mood,” Winter grinned.

“I’m Vic, ze/hir, I'm the gay aroace of the group.”

“I’m Zoe, she/her, and I’m very pansexual.”

“I’m Evan, he/him, and bi,” said Evan.

“Okay,” Alana clapped. “I'm going to look at Jared's ribs and then he and Evan are going to have a homosexual heart-to-heart.”

“Yay, another strip show,” Vic said dryly.

“What?”

“Oh, when Winter was checking his ribs, Grace and I were asking for a strip show.”

“I’m sure Evan wouldn’t mind,” Zoe winked. Jared blushed and pulled his shirt over his head.

“Don’t be mean,” Alana chided her girlfriend before sitting down by Jared and prodding at his ribs.

“Fuck,” he said. “That _really_ fucking _hurts_.”

“I'm sorry,” said Alana. “You low-key deserve it. I think you’ve a bone contusion. It should heal in three to four months and the pain should mostly subside in two. It might just be a bruise, but don’t count on it.”

“Are you sure?”

“No. If it gets worse in the next week I’m taking you to a doctor. No excuses. For now all you can really do is take ibuprofen, cry, and use ice.”

“Damn.”

“It’s almost as cold as you. Anyway. You have a boyfriend to reconcile with?”

Jared rolled his eyes and pulled his shirt back on. Evan held out an arm. Jared didn't miss the cuts up his wrist.

“Do you trust me?” Evan asked dramatically.

Jared took his hand and pulled himself up. “Apparently, yeah.” He couldn't look the other boy in the eyes.

“Let’s walk,” said Evan.

“Okay.”

“Good luck,” called Grace, blowing him a kiss, which he returned with a wink.

Evan didn’t let go of his hand so Jared didn’t either.

“So,” Jared said.

“So,” Evan echoed. The streetlights flickered across his face.

“I might have fucked up big-time,” Jared said.

“How did… _this…_ happen?” Evan asked, gesturing to him.

“I picked a fight with some homophobes.”

“ _Why_?”

“Drowning my regrets in pain.”

“Was there no better way to drown your regrets?” Evan asked incredulously.

“Well, I tried getting back with Kaylin and that didn’t help, so then I felt gross and naturally the best option? Get beat up.”

Evan shook his head. “Wow.”

“Mhm.”

“Hard weekend for both of us, then,” said Evan.

“How hard?”

Evan held out both his wrists, littered with scars. “About that hard.”

Jared held out his own wrist. “Twinsies?”

Evan snorted. “Yep.”

Jared sighed and kicked at a pebble on the ground. “I need to say sorry.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“I'm sorry,” he said. The words fell. It was obviously not enough. Jared buried his fists in the pockets of his jeans. “All through high school I treated you like shit. I’d like to say there was a good reason but there wasn’t. I was an asshole and I’m not going to make excuses for myself. Projecting my insecurities onto you? Not cool. I'm sorry.

“But that’s happened and it’s gone and I need to apologize for... _this_.” He gestured to nothing and didn’t dare to look up at Evan. “I was — I —” he ran a hand through his hair, agitated. “Internalized homophobia makes me feel as though guys will think I’m gross or disgusting or whatever if I tell them I like them, even though I know that’s not true at least like 62% of the time. So I — hide it, suppress it, whatever. 

“But it gets hard to hide when it’s been seven years. And it hurts to hide and it hurts to speak and it hurts to breathe around them so you think there’s only one solution, you know? You think the only solution is to leave. Even if you could just fucking talk to them like a normal person, you don’t. And every time you breathe without them you feel like your ribs are breaking so you break them for real. And then they're standing there in the neon lights and you know you’re fucking it all up but you can’t shut up and — Jesus, Evan.” He let out a laugh but couldn’t seem to close his mouth. 

“I’ve been in love with you for so long, you know that? Your eyes, they’re like — not to sound like the quirky female main character of a John Green novel, but they’re like… they’re like the sky, but, like, more beautiful? Um. And your hair’s so soft and whenever coloured lights shine on it, it looks like you dyed it and it’s gorgeous. You have… the best jawline I’ve ever seen, seriously, and Will Connolly exists. That’s a damn good jawline, my guy. Oh, your eyelashes? They’re so long? And dark? Jesus. And your stutter is really fucking adorable. And you’re a really good kisser?” His cheeks darkened. “A-a-and the way you walk? I mean, you probably don’t know you’re doing it, but you’ve got this way you stand where you’re hiding in yourself most of the time, but sometimes when we’re hanging out your spine straightens out and you get taller and the entire world hangs off your shoulders. Your freckles? They’re constellations and I—” _I want to kiss each one of them_. 

“I never — I swear to God I never wanted to hurt you. And I know I did, and I’m sorry. But it wasn’t my intention and god, Evan, you’re the most beautiful person in the world. I—”

“Jared.”

“I get it if you just don’t want to be around me because I hurt you even more than I ever meant to in trying to keep you safe from me. And it’ll hurt, Jesus, it’ll hurt like I’m ripping out a lung, but I refuse to hurt you anymore. I can’t — I —”

“Jared.”

“It’s just you’re one of the best people I’ve ever met and I care about you so much and I—”

“Jared!”

Jared stopped soliloquizing to his shoes and glanced up.

“Stop hyperventilating,” Evan said. It was odd how many times he’d been told that in one day. Evan stopped walking, Jared skidding to a stop as he did so.

Evan put a hand on his shoulder and turned him slightly, bracing his other arm on the wall of the Walmart above Jared's head.

“I've made eye contact about two times in my life,” Evan said sardonically. “Just don’t, like, bolt or anything.”

“I'll try,” Jared said, trying not to hyperventilate thinking about how close to each other they were.

“Do you remember our sophomore year, when we went on that school trip to Boston overnight?”

“Yes?”

“You remember the fireworks?”

“Yeah?”

“You were wearing your stupid cargo shorts and an Apocalypse of the Damned t-shirt and a flannel. You were still in a wheelchair but you could walk a couple steps on crutches. You had those stupid pink shoes, remember? And I was on your lap because I mentioned I hated the feeling of sand and you told me you pretty much _were_ a chair at that point. You carried me bridal style and I remember we were under the fireworks and they were flickering across your face and the water hit the shore and the air smelled like smoke and all I really wanted then was to kiss you.”

Jared remembered that night. He just might remember that night for the rest of his days. Evan on his lap, staring in awe at the sky, grinning at him. Looking like he held the world in his arms.

But — _Evan had wanted to kiss him_?

“Begin my sophomore-year sexuality crisis,” Evan laughed a little. “I remember thinking a lot why it had to be you — my _family_ friend — in retrospect it’s obvious that you actually cared, but I was sixteen and I was scared. Anyway. _Obviously_ , it hurt. All of this.” Evan brushed a lock of Jared’s hair out of his face. “But we’re young and broke and stupid and you’re beautiful, so why waste time?”

Jared’s thoughts were a hurricane.

Evan’s hand stilled on his jaw, his other arm still braced against the wall. Subconsciously Jared tilted his head up and Evan tilted his down and then —

And then they were kissing.

He was kissing Evan.

Evan was kissing him.

_Evan was kissing him_.

Jared melted into him immediately, getting up on his toes so he could reach Evan easier, running a hand through his hair, the other on his hip. Evan shifted his hand from the wall to Jared’s back, pushing him close to Evan’s chest.

Evan’s lips were softer and warmer than he remembered. When Evan tilted his chin up with his thumb he gasped.

Maybe it was weak of him, but he’d not seen Evan in days, so give him a break.

Evan’s lips broke from Jared’s and he pressed them to Jared’s neck, his eyelashes fluttering against his jawline. Jared let out a whimper/gasp/moan that he would never admit to in a thousand years. “Evan…”

Evan’s kisses travelled further down his neck and Jared put his feet flat on the ground again, because it hurt to stand on his toes and he was so weak at the knees he thought he’d fall.

“ _Evan_ ,” he whispered. The other boy pulled him closer, kissing one last spot on his neck and then kissing his lips again, tasting like tea and mint.

“Evan,” he mumbled a third time, this time into the taller boy’s mouth, as though it was the only word he knew anymore, and Evan pulled him even closer, kissing him harder, like they were about to die, like this was the last time they’d ever see each other.

When they finally broke apart Jared planned to say so many things. _I love you. Kiss me. I've been dreaming of this for years. I love you so much_.

What came out of his mouth? “Gay.”

“Bi, actually,” Evan mumbled. His voice was raspy.

_Cause of death: Evan Hansen_.

“You got me there.”

Evan brushed his thumb across Jared’s lips. Jared sighed, just a little, and Evan shivered.

“Do you — do you want to be boyfriends for real?” Jared whispered.

“Hell yeah,” Evan whispered back.

Jared stood on his toes again, kissing Evan, quick, chaste, aching for more.

“Should we start walking back?” Evan asked.

“Probably,” Jared mumbled.

Evan took his hand as they walked. He always had looked gorgeous under multicoloured lights, but somehow he looked even more beautiful than normal.

It took them ten minutes to get back and when they rounded the corner, the first thing Jared saw was Zoe balancing a checkbook on her knee, shoving something in KitKat’s face while they shook their head vehemently.

“The fuck?” Jared asked eloquently. 

“I’m giving them money,” Zoe said.

“I’m not taking the money,” KitKat said.

“I’ll take the money,” Vic said. 

Zoe handed hir the money.

“Thanks,” Vic said.

“Oh my god,” said KitKat.

“Anyway,” Alana said, leaning against Grace’s shoulder. “How’d it go?”

Jared looked up at Evan, who looked down back at him.

“How’d it go, Evan?” He asked.

“I don’t know, Jared, how _did_ it go?”

“No backsies,” he said.

“Why’d you ask me if you wouldn’t want to answer?”

“What? That doesn’t make sense in, like… 80% of conversations.”

“Guys,” Zoe cut in. “Stop your weird verbal foreplay thing and tell us how it went.”

Jared flushed at the use of the phrase “verbal foreplay.”

“Gay,” said Evan.

“Bi, too,” said Jared.

“ _Oh, really?_ ” said Zoe, her tone conveying an additional “ _no shit, Sherlock_.” “I’d like the details?”

“See, the thing is,” said Evan, a grin spreading across his face, “there’s a noticeable height difference here, and that makes it harder to do _this_.”

If you’d told Jared two years ago that he’d be standing behind a Walmart at one in the morning with a split lip and bruised ribs and Evan would grab his face and kiss him so hard he forgot his name, he’d not have believed you.

He was still a little unsure that any of this was real.

“About fuckin’ time,” said Alana. “Thank God I don’t have to listen to your pining anymore.”

“Nice,” Jared grumbled, but he had a stupid little smile on his face and buried his face in Evan’s chest.

“Glad y’all sorted this out,” said KitKat. Sam grinned — or he thought they did from what he could see of them — and ran a hand through their purple hair.

“Me too,” Jared mumbled.

“This is the gayest thing I’ve ever seen and I’ve watched KitKat and Vic make out more times than I can count,” Winter proclaimed.

“Gay,” said Zoe absently.

“Now that we don’t hate each other, we have midterms to study for,” said Alana.

Jared sighed. “I kinda just want to sleep.”

“Understandable,” Evan said, running a hand through Jared’s hair. 

“Don’t be gross and sweet,” Zoe groaned.

The groups said their goodbyes and exchanged phone numbers. Grace kissed the top of Jared’s head. “No hetero. Good luck with your boy.”

“Thanks,” he grinned. “Good luck with your very a lesbian.”

“Thanks,” Grace smiled back.


	19. one does not simply go more than a few days /at most/ without doughnuts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the kids deserve to be happy after the last couple chapters of pure angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EVAN LEAVE JARED A L O N E IT’S 2AM JUST LET HIM EAT HIS DOUGHNUT IN PEACE;;

 

_Look into your eyes and the sky’s the limit / I’m helpless / down for the count and I’m drowning in ‘em — helpless // hamilton_

* * *

 

“Jared gets passenger,” Alana said.

“He’ll distract Evan,” Zoe pointed out.

“I’ll distract you,” Alana winked. Evan rolled his eyes.

“We’re getting doughnuts, by the way,” Zoe said as she cannonballed into the backseat. “Stop at the one between Walgreens and the gas station.”

“Okay,” said Evan, sliding into his seat and slamming the door, waving at Winter. “I feel bad leaving them.”

“They’re fine. Vic and KitKat didn’t check the amount of money on the check.”

“What did you do,” Alana asked flatly.

“It’s enough for rent — December 24, 9PM, Eastern Standard Time — and meals. And a hotel stay, probably.”

“Zoe, what the fuck? Where’d you get the money?” Alana asked.

“Rich parents,” Zoe explained.

Evan had turned out of the parking lot and Jared watched him, tuning out the girls’ conversation in favour of staring at Evan. 

“Stare much?” Evan asked, voice low.

“Maybe," Jared said.

“Your ribs okay?” Evan leaned over to ghost his fingers across Jared’s side. 

Jared shivered from head to toe. “Could be better. Could be worse. They already feel a little better, so.”

Evan smiled at him and then jumped, slamming on the brake and turning into the Dunkin' Donuts parking lot.

“Jesus Christ, Zoe was right,” Alana said.

“Fuck _off_ ,” Evan responded, smiling.

Jared smiled fondly and pulled a crumpled dollar bill out of his pocket, stepping out of the car and pulling open Alana’s door.

“Thank you, good sir," she said.

“You’re welcome, milady,” he responded without missing a beat.

“Au revouir, ma hetero.”

“The fuck did you call me?”

Their four-pack entered the restaurant, grinning at each other.

“I'm buying your doughnut,” Jared said. Then, quieter, “Hear that, world? I’m buying my boyfriend a doughnut!”  
“Why’d you say it so quietly?”

“'Cause you’re my whole world, bro.”

“Bro,” Evan giggled.

Jared laughed. “You stepped right into that one, thank god. Boston Crème, right?”

“Mhm.”

Jared bounced up to the counter. “Hey, could I get two Mountain Dews, a Boston Crème doughnut, and a chocolate glazed?”

“Sure,” said the man at the counter, clicking a couple of buttons. “That’ll be eight dollars, twenty cents?”

Jared pulled the money out of his wallet as the man grabbed the sodas and doughnuts. The man handed him the food and Jared nodded, smiling. “Thanks, sir.”

“Of course. Have a nice night.”

Jared smiled soppily at Evan as they sat down next to each other, leaving the other two chairs for Alana and Zoe.

“It’s been a couple months since I’ve had a doughnut,” Evan said.

“Jesus, how are you still alive?” Jared asked. He took a sip of his soda and offered it to Evan. It was more symbolic than anything, as the other boy had some already, but Evan took a sip, smiling at him.

“What up, fidget spinners?” Alana greeted them, collapsing in a chair with a glazed doughnut in one hand and a coffee in the other.

“The Emoji Movie came out —”

“Stop,” Zoe laughed.

“Evan, tell them what you just told me about doughnuts.”

“You mean that I haven’t had one in at least three months?”

“How are you functioning?” Zoe asked incredulously, biting into her doughnut and sighing. “That is a good doughnut.”

“I don’t honestly know,” Evan grinned. He took a bite. “Jesus Christ, okay, that’s good, that’s really good.”

Jared grinned at his reaction. Evan took another bite, moaning slightly, and _fuck_ , okay, not as funny anymore. Not when he was making those noises.

Alana caught his eye across the table and winked.

Jared just worked on breathing. _Not a good time, not a good time_ …

Evan took a really big bite — _do_ not _think about that, Jared_ — and when he whispered, “It’s so good,” Jared slammed his doughnut down on the table.

“Evan Benjamin Michael Hansen, I swear to Jesus.”

“What?” Evan asked, putting down his doughnut.

“If you don’t stop _fucking_ moaning—!”

Zoe was in hysterics. “Oh, this is great. This is better than a sitcom.”

Evan blushed a little. “I—”

“I’m not done!” His voice was high pitched and frenzied. “Evan, my dear, my sweet, you are _not_ moaning _anywhere_ but in my bed or I swear to God I will duct tape your mouth shut. It's two in the morning, I cannot—!” He groaned and slammed his head down on the table. “I can’t deal with this. It’s too fucking late.” _It is_ far _too late at night for me to deal with my raging libido and your_ fucking _moaning_.

Zoe snickered into her hand. “Oh, god, this is great. Best thing that’s happened all day.”

“Evan?”

“Yeah?”

“You promise no more moaning?”

“Yeah.”

“Can I put my head up now?”

“If you wanna.”

Jared lifted his head up. 

“Aw, is poor Jared —”

“Shut _up_ , Zoe.”

Alana snickered and took a bite of her doughnut. 

Evan took a bite of his too, and Jared _really_ should have expected it due to the intense eye contact Evan made, seemingly out of the blue, but the other boy caught him by surprise when he let out the most indecent moan Jared had ever heard.

A sound equivalent to a verbal key-smash left his mouth and he buried his face in the table again. “Evan, I swear to god—”

“Gay,” Evan commented.

“ _Shut the_ fuck _up_ ,” he hissed.

“Oh, this is fun,” Zoe said.

“Let the homo eat his doughnut,” Alana said.

“Which of us are you even talking about?”

“I said that with Jared in mind, but both of you, really.”

Jared slammed his head against the table. “I can't do this.”

“All right, no more moaning, I get it,” Evan said.

“Should I trust you?”

“No," Alana said.

“Yes,” said Evan.

“Zoe?”

“Yeah.”

Jared lifted his head and watched hesitantly as Evan took a bite of his doughnut and —

nothing.

“Thank you,” he whispered, laughing a little.

“Zoe was enjoying it too much. I was getting suspicious,” Evan said.

“Don’t put this on me!”

“But it’s your fault,” Jared said. His mind was racing. He really hoped Evan hadn’t figured out how much of Jared he could control by just _moving_ a certain way.

“He’s right,” Alana said.

“ _Et tu, Brutus_?” Zoe asked. Alana blew a kiss.

Jared’s phone vibrated.

 

**[Sunday 10 June 01:48]**

**Chat: fixen up some ribs**

**KitKat is queer:** who named the chat i'm fucking suing

**Phantom! Of the opera:** fuck OFF kitkat

**KitKat:** u know what Sam

**Phantom! Of the opera:** i thought it was good :(

**COOL:** it’s a very nice name

**COOL:** (jared here)

**Acorn:** It's a horrible name I love it - evan

**#justiceforevan has changed their name to Jazz band**

**Jazz band:** zoe here I'm bouta flip evan and jared are so gay

**Grace:** what'd they do this time? / 

**Jazz band:** OKAY SO

**Acorn:** Zoe no

**COOL:** ZOE NO

**Jazz band:** WE WENT OUT TO GET DOUGHNUTS RIGHT

**COOL:** FUCK OFF

**Jazz band:** AND APPARENTLY EVAN’S NOT HAD ONE IN MONTHS

**COOL:** WHY ARE U LIKE THIS

**Acorn:** Stop embarrassing my boy :(

**Jazz band:** SO NATURALLY HE’S LIKE MMMMM GOOD DOUGHNUT

**Winter:** I dont know where this is going but i'm here for it

**Jazz band:** NOW JARED OVER HERE

**COOL:** FUCK OFF

**Jazz band:** CAN’T FUCKIN’ DEAL WITH THIS

**Jazz band:** CAUSE HE’S A DICK-HAVER AND IS CONSTANTLY THINKING ABOUT SEX

**COOL:** i am not :(

**Acorn:** Yeah you are

**COOL:** wow

**Phantom! Of the opera:** Top 10 anime betrayals

**Jazz band:** SO HE YELLS AT EVAN LIKE “NO MOANING UNLESS UR IN MY BED”

**Jazz band:** EVAN PROMISES NOT TO MOAN

**Jazz band:** NEXT BITE GUESS WHAT HE DOES?????

**Grace:** moans? /

**Jazz band:** YEP!!!!!

**Jazz band:** SO NOW IM LAUGHING, EVAN’S LAUGHING, ALANA’S LAUGHING, AND JARED WANTS TO DIE

**COOL:** this is bullying

**Vic - ze/hir:** kjdhsfkhlfsdjzxfichsduxincs

**Vic - ze/hir:** this is the best fuckin’ thing I've ever read

**KitKat is queer:** ohhhhh myyyyyy goddddddd

**COOL:** FUCK OFFFFFFF

**Phantom! Of the opera:** jared I fully support u

**Phantom! Of the opera:** but

**Phantom! Of the opera:** this is really funny I gotta say

**COOL:** :((

**500 bees in a trenchcoat** : If you think that’s funny I’ve got a story for u,

**COOL:** I s2g if this is the hand thing

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** i was talking to Jared and he was being gay, [hands_kink_jared_receipts.jpg]

**Phantom! Of the opera:** kHFODPGUVDFCXIOVDFKLCXIUV

**KitKat is queer:** AKFHDGKVDJFXGVDX

**Vik - ze/hir:** kinky

**Jazz band:** top 10 anime betrayals

**COOL:** all of u can fuck off?

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Irl he’s laughing so hard he can barely type

**Acorn:** Wait

**Acorn:** Hold the fucking phone

**Acorn:** I'm he

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** …Yyeah?

**Jazz band:** u didn't figure that out?????????

**Winter:** jesus christ dude

**Phantom! Of the opera:** OH MY GOD

**COOL:** lkFHDFOFDFBXLJVCSDK ZJFKCLJESD;ZJFKCLJSDLKXZJFCE SDZXJDPXQW;OASPDIWEUYSDFK JFBDKVJDFXJLFICYWEIGSDIFLKCU ERYIUDFGXCFI BCEUDSO;FG CIDLFNYWCSDILFBC ENSIDXJLKSDNXPVN OLDF UCXF GPC[ 0SDUPZXIO; DKNODSHXCPGVB8 UNSD OZNS[DY87GESDOIXZ FILUBHGUE RFDO8P CX9FO CYKHKXYV8OIDSXHZV G XOWP Q79AYS8OZHCKJBEWSDJPNIXUGC7 8WEBYSINZDKBW BASVZKX GUCOYEUPSD ZX0CU9R YGSD8YZ BISDKNIM2GAY4THISJQW ASMN BCHGU FDY0XCG7 8VIU NKJSA NDKUCSYFGX VMDKSUUPJHF DGI99UIHB u9po;jkbus ydp8f7t 9oulsdijnxc viom ewd iskuyfherbs diogvu ILS JKB DFI OICLJBH FLUXCI ;FIVHR DFXV O8HSKDBH;Z NS[DY87GESDOIXZ FILUB HGUE RFDO8P CX9FO CYKHKX YV8OIDSXHZV G XOWP Q79AYS8OZHCKJBWS

**Grace:** oh my god??????

**Grace:** I can't stop laughing send help /

**Acorn:** *slightly more enthusiastically* I'm he

**COOL:** im going to fukicking kiss all of u

**COOL:** KILL I MEANT KILL

**500 bees in a trenchcoat:** Jared???just stop talking

**COOL:** good idea

 

He put his phone down and grabbed Evan’s hand. “Evan and I are going to the bathroom.”

“We are?”

“Yeah.”

“I won’t refuse the tiny angry man,” said Evan.

“Tiny angry man,” Zoe whispered.

“Fuck off,” he whispered back. He pulled Evan to the bathroom and slammed the door, breathing hard. “Anyway we’re making out now and it’s your fault.”

“Oh, it’s _my_ fault?”

“…I’m starting to think Zoe has a point with her ‘verbal foreplay’ thing.”

“Well, Alana’s right about the hand kink thing, so we both lose.”

“Shut up,” Jared laughed.

“Make me.”

“Sorry, can’t hear you? I’m too tiny and angry?”

“Shut _up_ ,” Evan echoed.

“ _Make_ _me_!” Jared responded.

Evan pressed him against the wall and kissed him, long fingers running through his hair, his mouth tasting of chocolate and creme and sugar. Jared pulled him closer by his shirt, sighing.

“You’re so beautiful,” Evan whispered, his lips parting just a tiny bit.

“So gorgeous,” he added, kissing Jared's neck. “And pretty.” A kiss, lower. “And smart.” Another kiss. “And funny.” One more. “And a huge fucking nerd.”

“I am _not_ ,” Jared denied, but his objection would have fallen flat even if his voice hadn't been rough and light with need.

Evan chuckled and stood up straight again. “Jesus, you’re so short.”

“What you want _me_ to do about it?” He asked incredulously.

“We can fix this, actually,” Evan amended. The other boy grabbed him around the waist and propped him up. Jared wrapped his legs tightly around Evan’s waist and he pressed him into the wall.

_See, this is why I referred to gym class as “training to be a top,”_ he wanted to say.

One of Evan’s hands stayed on his hips, not propping him up so much as just teasing him. The other was sneaking up under his shirt. Jared leaned forward a little and kissed Evan, biting his bottom lip. Evan moaned directly into his mouth and Jared felt himself gasp. _Jesus Christ_.

Evan’s hand roamed his chest, making him shiver.

“God,” he whispered.

“It’s Evan, but good guess,” Evan replied immediately.

“Oh, shut up.”

“Hm… no. If either of us needs to shut up, it’s you.”

Jared tugged a hand through his hair and Evan pressed him even harder against the wall, kissing him so hard and so suddenly that Jared thought he might go blind.

Evan trailed little kisses down his neck, biting just a little, and Jared moaned against his will.

“And _I’m_ the one that needs to shut up?” Evan teased. He leaned in and bit Jared’s lip, eyelashes fluttering a tiny bit.

Jared was about to have a gay heart attack.

“Yeah, well, at least I’m being nice,” Jared tried.

“ _Very_ nice.” Evan’s meaning wasn’t lost on him. Jared wrapped his arms around Evan's neck and pressed a kiss to the spot between his neck and shoulder.

Evan whimpered so Jared sucked harder on that spot, leaving behind a reddish mark and moving onto the space just below his jaw. Evan whimpered and dug his nails into Jared’s hip.

“A-Alana and Zoe —shit — probably are wondering where — fuck, do that again, shit—”

Evan grinned and tugged Jared’s hair the way he’d just done. “Like that?”

“Yeah, yeah, yes,” Jared mumbled.

“You’re so pretty,” Evan whispered. He could unravel Jared with a single touch. It scared him a little. He loved it. “So, so pretty.”

Jared worked on controlling his heart rate. “Jesus _fuck_ —” he murmured when Evan kissed his neck.

“Your ribs okay?” Evan mumbled.

“They’re _fine_ ,” Jared huffed, kissing Evan’s jaw. “Shut up and kiss me.”

“We gotta go back to the girls," Evan said, dragging a hand down his chest and resting it on his thigh, implying that he wanted to do anything but that.

“Yeah.” Jared didn’t move.

“They’ll mock us forever if we don’t.” Evan kissed his jaw.

“I can deal.” He paused. “I'm used to _you_ teasing me, anyway.” It was a different kind of teasing. They both knew it. Jared wrapped his arms around Evan and buried his face in the other boy’s neck.

“Kinda gay,” Evan said.

“Just a little,” Jared confirmed. 

“We really do gotta get back,” Evan said against Jared’s neck.

He shivered. “Carry me?”

“Gay.”

“Yeah.”

“Let’s compromise. Piggyback?”

“Fine,” Jared said. 

Evan put him down carefully and bent down, Jared jumping up onto his back, wrapping his arms around Evan’s shoulders as the other boy laughed, opening the door and bolting to the table.

“Twelve minutes, fourteen seconds,” said Alana as they approached, holding out her hand. Zoe scowled and pulled a Hershey kiss out of her pocket, handing it to her as the boys sat down.

“What’s going on?” Jared asked.

“We were betting on how long it would be until y'all came back.”

Jared rolled his eyes. “Nerds.”

“I know,” Zoe said.

“Anyway, do we believe in sleep in this here friend group? Or will we just stay up all night?” Alana asked.

“Well, I was planning on sleeping,” Zoe said. “Don’t know if Jared and Evan share the same plans.”

“Shut up,” Jared grumbled.

“Never,” Zoe responded.

“Fair enough,” Jared said.

“I'm so glad I can tease you on the group chat too,” Alana said.

“Shove off,” Jared laughed, throwing an arm over Alana’s shoulder and the other over Evan’s.

“Wow, nice," said Zoe. “I always _am_ the last choice.”

Jared kicked a leg up onto her shoulder. “Better?”

“Much.”


	20. epilogue: seven months later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> happy valentines day,, they're gay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ????my child is growing up?????????ajhghdgahsghgshd i cnt believe,,,,
> 
> Aslo ive never kissed anyone hnhnhhnnnnnngggggggggggggg
> 
> ALSO SORRY ANOTHER HAMILTON REFERENCE IM TRASH—

 

 

_Not to get poetic / but you may never know / every time I see you even daylight / can’t outshine your glow - I'm Not Falling For That // Will Roland_

* * *

“Happy Valentine's Day,” Evan exclaimed.

It took a moment for the words to register, Jared still groggy and half asleep.

“Valemin… Hap’ valentine day,” he mumbled eventually.

“Wake up,” Evan said, bouncing the bed and rocking Jared a little bit.

“No.”

“Jared,” he groaned, throwing himself over Jared again, enveloping him with love.

“Now I want to get up even less,” Jared pointed out.

“Get _up_ , loser, I have chocolate.”

It was a tempting offer, but Jared really didn’t want to get up. Not now that he was so comfortable with Evan wrapped around him.

“No.”

Evan kissed the back of his neck and Jared squealed. “Not nice.”

“Yeah, well,” Evan abandoned the rest of his sentence in favour of kissing the top of Jared’s spine.

“Is this some weird kind of ‘get up for food or don’t get up for kisses’ deal? Because I can most definitely deal with that,” Jared quipped, blinking sleepiness out of his eyes.

“Hm,” Evan said, planting kisses down Jared’s spine, pushing his shirt off one shoulder to do so before trailing back up the side of his neck. “You raise an interesting bargain.”

“It’s Valentine's Day,” Jared pointed out. “A little bit of kissing is necessary.”

“Point,” Evan acknowledged. “Turn around, though.” Evan had long before figured out the way to tone his voice in the way that always had Jared willing to do anything for him. He flipped onto his other side immediately, Evan wasting no time in burying his head in Jared’s neck and sucking marks onto his neck.

“Evan,” he moaned. Evan pressed one finger against his lips to keep him quiet, his teeth grazing Jared’s neck.

“Quiet, babe, we don’t wanna wake up everyone else,” Evan whispered. Jared swallowed a moan as Evan shifted on top of him. Evan dragged his teeth down the column of Jared’s throat and Jared lost control, subconsciously tilting his head back and moaning.

“You never were good at listening,” Evan sighed, clicking his tongue.

“I'll be quiet,” Jared said begrudgingly.

“Good,” Evan whispered, brushing featherlight kisses across his jawline. “You’re so good, Jared.”

Jared whimpered and leaned into Evan’s touch. Evan pushed back against him, planting kisses down his neck. His knee pressed against Jared’s hip.

“We should go get chocolate,” Evan said, but the teasing quality of it was a bit subdued by the breathlessness of it.

“There are other things you could li—”

“Shut _up_ , Jared.”

“I’m not wrong—”

“Jared,” Evan laughed, burying his head in his neck. “Shut up.”

“‘They hated Jesus because he told them the truth,’” Jared said. _I trust you’ll understand the reference to another_ niche meme _without my having to name the_ source.

“Shut your fuck, Jared.”

Jared laughed into the top of his head. God, he loved this guy. “Okay, fine, compromise. The beginning of Valentine’s Day is for licking chocolate, the end of Valentine’s day is for li—”

“ _I get it, Jared_.”

Jared laughed again and Evan kissed his collarbone lightly before getting up off of him, rolling onto his back. “Chocolate.”

“It’s that stuff you eat.”

Evan rolled his eyes. “Yeah, no shit. Now shut up, I’m being romantic.”

“Okay, fine,” Jared sighed, sitting up and letting the blanket fall onto his lap.

Evan grinned at him and stood up, walking across the room and grabbing a rose from a vase Jared hadn’t noticed. He brought it to Jared and kissed his forehead. Jared felt his heart melt.

He opened his mouth to say “I love you” and try to express everything he was feeling, but the second he did Evan pressed a finger to his lips. “Hang on, I have a whole speech planned.”

Jared wanted to say ‘nerd’ or ‘that’s adorable’ but he couldn’t do anything but gaze lovingly up at Evan, who cleared his throat.

“I — I’ve been in love with you for so long,” Evan began. “Even in high school when you were a total dick most of the time, even for all the time we weren’t speaking our senior year, even that one time you gave me the staticky earbud when we were watching the _Next to Normal_ bootleg —”

“I LET YOU CRY ON MY SHOULDER THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRETY OF ACT TWO—”

“Shut _up_ , I was getting to that,” Evan laughed. 

“Okay, okay,” Jared smiled up at him.

“Even throughout all that… You were protecting yourself — even if I could always see through your shields, you were protecting yourself.” He knew that? He knew about the shields that wrapped around his heart? 

“And, okay, ignoring me? After what I did, that’s fair. Completely fair. And you let me cry on your shoulder during act two, which was a fair trade. Everything you’ve done — even if it hurt at the time — in hindsight I can see why. 

“And we started fake-dating and the whole time I was painfully aware that I’d fallen so hard for you. And it was hard for me — but I always kissed you first. And then you texted me, went off the deep end, but it ended up okay because here we are, seven months later, and I’m saying all this to you. And it’s real. We’re _real_.” He let out a slight laugh.

“I’ve — I’ve never felt — you make me feel okay. You make me feel like I’m… like I’m alive.”

_You make me feel alive too_. Jared couldn’t say a word or he’d start to cry. “You… you hear me when I try to speak and — you keep me from slipping away — you’re, you’re… I don’t know. This wasn’t in my planned out speech.” Evan laughed a little. Jared did too, although he was now crying into the rose. 

“You’re amazing, Jared. I’m so glad you’re here. I love you so much and I — I’m so glad that I’ve gotten up after every time I fell, and I’m glad you did too, and I — I just love you so much? I really do, Jared, you’re—” Evan’s voice broke and Jared leaned against his shoulder, the other boy burying his head in Jared’s hair.

Jared stood up and held out a hand to Evan, tears streaming down his cheeks. Evan took it and wrapped his arms around Jared, sobbing. Jared tightened his grip, pressing the two of them together, trying to stabilize his breathing.

“I love you so much,” he whispered into Evan’s chest, still clutching the rose.

“I love you too,” Evan mumbled through his tears.

“I guess we were both found,” Jared said, referencing the slogan of the Connor Project.

“Yeah,” Evan murmured back. “I guess we were.”

After a couple moments he spent just breathing in _Evan_ , overwhelmed by how much he loved him, he smiled into Evan’s shirt. “So… you mentioned chocolate?”

Evan laughed a little. “Of course I did, Jared.”

“Do I get any?”

“Only for a kiss.”

“Double win,” Jared quipped, taking his head out of Evan's chest so he could kiss the other boy.

“I love you,” he mumbled against Evan’s lips.

“I love you too,” Evan whispered. “Happy Valentine’s day.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End notes: hi yes I've always loved reading the end notes on fics for some reason?? yea idk this took me So Long to write and Longer to edit but here I am,, wow. uHhhHHHuhHhhHh yeah I love these idiots??? Uh find me on tumblr @dont-the-tears-just-pour jhhhjhjhjhjhjhjh ty for reading


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